In chatting with men and
fielding questions about the Hotwife Lifestyle, there are a lot of common
themes. A good majority of our followers
contact us to find out how to either bring up the idea to their wives or
partners, or how to get over certain rebuttals that their wives or partners
have made in order to not participate in the lifestyle. One of the biggest and most common themes is
the idea of “cheating” or “adultery”, either from a moral or religious
perspective. Man says he wants to share
his wife because it’s a huge turn on and fantasy, wife says “but that will make
me a cheater and cheating is wrong”.
Most of the time, that stops men in their tracks. They don’t know how explain their way out of that
issue.
“But if I’m the only one
sleeping with other people, I’ll be the cheater,” she’ll say. “And I don’t want you to sleep with other
people so you’ll be the ‘good’ one and I’ll be the one who’s forever done something
wrong.” (a common thing for a woman to think)
I do come from a
semi-religious background, and my family is pretty conservative. The idea of cheating was, well, very, very
bad. Then I got married…to a man who
ended up cheating on me numerous times. I
barely made it out of that marriage alive in many ways, at least emotionally,
and then D brings up the fact that he WANTS me to go out and do what, to me at
the time, was cheating. Well, this went
against all of my moral and minor religious beliefs. It was shocking that he had been cheated on
in his past, I had been cheated on, we both felt the immense pain of that, we
found each other and all was right with the world, and now, suddenly he wants
me to do the very thing that I left my ex husband for. It threw me for a loop mentally.
I’m by no means a
religious scholar, not a psychologist, but I am well read and I am fantastic at
research, so I started to look into the issue.
How did all of these couples, many of whom are actually “church going
people” or people with high moral standards that preclude the ideas of cheating
and adultery get into lifestyles like swinging, hotwifing, etc? There had to be some kind of answer, so I
started looking.
Adultery has many different
definitions, some deeply rooted in religious scripture and some that have
evolved over time. In “the old days” “Adultery”
was pretty cut and dry as “illicit sexual conduct of a married person or with a
married person” (at least that’s what the Greek classic writers had to
say). Over the years, the terms has
undergone some changes, and you can do your own research on it, but the most
common definition that I found was “sexual conduct outside of a marriage without
the knowledge of one’s spouse”. This is
where we bring in “cheating”, which is, by common definition, “an act of
dishonesty”. So, if we put these two
things together and truly look at them, we can surmise that a “Cheater” is
someone who goes behind their partner’s back for sexual or emotional gratification.
You do have to use a
little thought on this one, because definitions are never cut and dry, but
essentially a Hotwife cannot be a “cheater” because she is not doing something
dishonest behind her spouse’s back, rather she has expressed consent and urging
from her spouse to be with other men. Her
spouse or partner knows she is going on dates and consents, even urges, this to
happen. In a good majority of cases, the
Hotwife is actually “giving in” to something that was originally brought up by
her husband or partner, and whether she grows to like it or not, does not
change the fact that it was initiated by her husband and is done for her
husband. This is where we get into
honest and dishonest acts, and partners who are consenting to certain behaviors
and partners who do not consent to certain behaviors.
A Cheater would be
someone in a monogamous relationship who invited the gardener in for some hanky
panky while her husband was away at work, or someone who went to a motel with
that hot gym rat when she was supposed to be at Yoga class and kept it a secret. These things involve deception and there is
no “gain” to the spouse; they are selfish acts of infidelity. A Hotwife, on the other hand, has a spouse
who desires his wife or partner to flirt with that hot gym rat and get him to
take her home for some great sex so that he can get all of the details later in
order to become more sexually turned on or make the relationship “hotter”
and/or “better”.
The morality about
whether this is “right or wrong” is definitely a very personal thing. Some people simply cannot get passed the idea
that anything sexual outside of a marriage is wrong, or that any woman who
sleeps with another man, even if her husband or partner desires it, is taking
advantage of the man or committing an act that goes against a moral code. That’s absolutely fine, because this
lifestyle isn’t for everyone. But, it’s
important that people keep an open mind to the idea that everyone makes their
own definitions of what is right and wrong in a marriage or relationship, and
if both parties agree, then it’s their own “moral code”.
I will say that there
are some cases where coercion is involved and people, men and women, “give in”
to their spouse’s desires because they feel they have no other choice. This is unhealthy and is not condoned by anyone
who I know in the alternative sexual lifestyle community. Both parties have to be on board and at least
feel as though they are getting something of benefit out of the deal. D explained to me about a couple in his swinging
days where the husband would basically bring his wife to parties and “pimp her
out” and everyone knew that she was not enjoying herself – they eventually
split up. This situation would be wrong,
of course. As would a situation where a
woman decided to become a Hotwife because she felt as though if she didn’t she
would lose her man to something else – this *almost* happened to me when I was
married to my ex, back when I gave a damn whether I lost him or not. So, while this lifestyle isn’t for everyone,
it is wonderful for many couples and relationships. There are as many success stories as there
are failures, possibly more, and that’s about the same odds as any monogamous
relationship in this day and age.
So, when having that
talk about your fantasies with your wife or partner, remember to refer back to
the origin of the idea of Cheating and what it really means – it’s all about
consent and happiness for both parties.
Hotwife Facts and Fantasies 