This is a great question, and I’m sure one that a lot of Hotwives can relate to (whether they want to admit it or not). I see this question as a good example of how the “fantasy” is sometimes greater than the “reality” when it comes to certain things. In “fantasy land”, what woman wouldn’t want to be seduced and have sex with an attractive man who has a killer body and is good in bed with zero guilt? It seems simple, right? Unfortunately, it’s not always that simple, because there is this little thing called “the brain” that gets in the way, especially for women.
Women have sexual fantasies…of course we do! We fantasize about sexy men with cut bodies and a penchant for romantic conversation. We fantasize about those “bad boy” rocker types who we imagine would just take us “backstage” and give us the sexual time of our lives. We fantasize about things we’ve seen, sexy situations, and even passed lovers. The thing about “fantasies” is that our brains choose only the good parts of things and leave out all of the niggling little realities, like anxiety, worry, fear, being uncomfortable, etc.
In our fantasies we aren’t thinking about things like “geez, this guy kisses weird”, “why does he make those noises”, “the sound of his voice when he says my name makes me feel weird”. What’s more, for many of us who are so completely into our husbands or partners, we tend to be unable to stop drawing comparisons throughout an encounter – both comparisons that favor our partners and ones that might not favor them (and then we feel guilty for it later).
All of this “thinking” that we do while we’re on a date is what I like to call an “orgasm killer”. If my brain is working too much and I’m not focused on the pleasure or the person that I’m with, it’s just not going to happen, no matter how sexy he is, how good that he is in bed, how well he uses his tongue or how nice his cock is. If a thought comes through my head like “wow, John knows just the right way to touch me, I wish D touched me that way”…instant guilt and the orgasm meter goes from moderate to zero. Conversely, if a thought comes through my head like “I miss the way that D smells, John doesn’t smell like D”…instant longing for “my man” and the orgasm meter goes to zero again.
Half the time these “thoughts” are so fast and powerful that we don’t even realize they’re coming until we’re buried, sort of like an avalanche. If there was a way to hit “pause” on the brain and just focus on the body, I’m sure things would work a whole lot better. Some women have found this pause button, and bless them for it! I…have not. Men, it seems, are much better able to do this than women, as well. D likes to say that he’s just able to separate “sex and emotion” and I’m not. One of the reasons why if I’m going to get any pleasure at all from an encounter, it has to be with a guy who I have some romantic chemistry with – someone who can override those thoughts in my head a little bit.
I’m going to be candid here… No, I don’t always have orgasms on dates. Sometimes I’m so far for having an orgasm it’s like the orgasm is in London and I’m standing on the beach in San Diego. I know it’s not going to happen…usually, I fake it in those situations, because who wants to make a guy who’s trying hard to please you feel bad? I guess I’m just a pleaser at heart. I have had orgasms before, and that’s been with the guys who take their time and really romance/seduce me before hand.
I can absolutely related to you feeling like you need to lie to your husband about having orgasms on your dates. D tells me he doesn’t want me to lie, but I know damn well that he gets a hell of a lot more out of things and is WAY more turned on if I DO have an orgasm on a date, so, what’s a girl to do? Have I lied to D about having orgasms with my dates? Yes (sorry, baby, but it’s true). It takes so much for me to get myself out, prepared and follow through with a date, and I’m doing it to turn D on and get him to that place where he gives me all the things that a partner who is absolutely ready to chew his leg off to be with you gives you that it’s a major let down for both of us if I’m just not able to get there. Not to mention the feeling that I’m somehow “broken”, because it seems like all these other Hotwives are able to have ten orgasms per date and I’m sometimes not able to have one. So, yeah…you’re not alone in feeling the need to bend the truth a little bit in this area.
Do I like the sex or wish I was with D? Well, honestly, every time I go out I would rather be with D, that’s just the truth. He’s the man I chose, the one I love, the one who I feel the best and most confident with, etc. I would choose having sex with him ten times over having sex with someone else. This is also where men and women are different – you may have noticed one of my earlier articles where most men admit that at some point if given the opportunity and consent they would like to have sex with someone else. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t feel this way. If I got to a point that I would rather have sex with someone else rather than D, I would probably think that was a sign to myself that maybe the relationship was in trouble.
Do I enjoy the sex on my dates? Sure. I enjoy the entire experience on some levels. Unless the guy is a total jerk it’s nice to get that extra attention and be with someone who is really turned on by you, trying to please you, barely lets you close the door before he has his arms around you and is kissing you, going above and beyond, etc. This is something that tends to get lost a little bit in a long term relationship and it’s there in something new and fresh, so that’s definitely enticing.
My advice is this: You have to try as best you can to quiet your brain (alcohol helps a little bit) and just be in the moment on a date. You have to kind of “put away” your husband and your relationship and just pretend that you’re a girl standing in front of a boy who is really hot and really wants to be with you. Forget about all the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” and just focus on what you’re doing. It’s easier said than done, but it can happen given the right preparation and mental control. Also, don’t feel bad about lying to your husband about your orgasms, but remember, if you come home from every date and tell him “Baby, I came SO HARD” he’s probably going to want you to have more and more dates…if you’re good with that, then by all means do it, but otherwise, use a mid-level approach. Tell him about the good parts of the date, the things that did turn you on, how sexy the guy was, how nice it was when he touched you, and then when it comes to the orgasm topic, just sort of gloss over it as best you can. 🙂 I don’t advocate lying, but in this circumstance, it’s sometimes hard not to.
– S
Baby Steps
The things she writes about are great, but two little things that you can keep in mind:
Some of these steps might be out of your comfort zone. If so, you can just think about what you could be okay with and do that instead.
You might not want to “go” anywhere with it. Maybe you’re going to keep it in the fantasy world. Join the club! There are myriads of couples just messing around with this stuff, with no serious plans to move beyond fantasy.
Enjoy what you enjoy, and use articles like this just to get your brain going!
You definitely need secrets if you want a strong marriage full of naughty fun. Enjoy your secrets! It’s part of the fun!
“Us against the world”
Hotwife Myths
Here’s a good post from a great blogger, Emma, who writes some great reflections on common misconceptions that men and women who are curious might have on the topic of hotwifing.
Myth 1: All Hotwives are nymphomaniacs
I guess the rationale behind this one is that if a woman needs more than her husband’s penis then she must be highly sexed. I’ll agree that a lot of fellow Hotwives do have a higher than average sex drive but that’s not always the reason they choose the lifestyle. I think only a small percentage of women became a Hotwife because their husband couldn’t cope with the demand. As I put it in my last blog post, Hotwives may be insatiable, but not necessarily just for sex. We have a hunger for the variety other men bring into our sex life.
Myth 2: The Hotwife’s husband must be a dud
Hotwives generally don’t get into the lifestyle because their husbands are awful in bed. If anything, it’s a man who is confident in his bedroom skills that can invite another man or two to share his precious wife. He knows the pleasure is in different lovers, not better lovers. He also knows that he only has one penis and there is immense delight in having more than one cock to appreciate at the same time. A Hotwife’s husband is therefore pretty darn awesome in bed if you ask me. He understands her needs.
Myth 3: A Woman needs Hotwife ‘Training’
What?? You’re either a Hotwife or you’re not right? I think the idea that a woman can be converted into a Hotwife is somewhat demeaning. I’m a shared wife out of my own volition. I don’t need to be coaxed into having sex with other men. I guess if the ‘training’ is meant to be an extrapolation of the dominant/submissive relationship, then by all means go for it. I personally don’t view what I do as putting myself in an inferior or subservient position to my husband, nor a superior one. We both equally enjoy me being a Hotwife.
Myth 4: A Hotwife must be in a bad marriage
Far from it. If a woman is in an unhappy marriage and agrees to sleep with other men, then I think it’s a last ditch effort to put some spark back into the union, or it’s already at death’s door. At any rate, it won’t last. Introducing other people into a couple’s sex life requires honesty, trust and the ability to communicate. If they don’t exist in a marriage then the couple has no business doing anything other than improving their primary relationship. It’s only when you have a solid base that swinging or Hotwifing can be enjoyed for the uncomplicated fun they are.
Myth 5: There must be something ‘wrong’ with a Hotwife
Maybe it sounds too good to be true for some men? Why would a happily married woman seek sex outside of the marriage? Is she a freak? Is she bored? Is she walking the road to self-destruction? The best thing to do is assume nothing about a Hotwife who invites you to fuck her. Take the offer at face value. There are no strings attached and if you decide to stop seeing her, then you don’t need to grow eyes on the back of your head for fear that she will axe you. Trust me, she’s moved on to the next able body. Hotwives are completely regular women who do regular things. In bed, she just wants a little extra on the side. No need to think beyond that.
Hotwife Facts and Fantasies 