Self Magazine recently published an overview of factors that weigh into whether a couple might benefit from an open relationship (and three factors that would make it a bad idea).
It’s a very level-headed discussion. Hopefully it’s a good indication of how society is opening up to common sense in a very important area. So many problems can be avoided if we’re honest with ourselves about who we are as individuals!
Thank you for your kind words about our blog. I do try my best to present both sides of things as I have seen them personally throughout my own journey as a Hotwife. I think anyone going into something this serious should know all that is good and all that is not so good – the potentials for excitement and erotic connection as well as the potentials for issues and problems.
To answer the first part of your question, D and I have a pretty traditional “Hotwife Relationship”. He is not a Cuckold, our relationship is not “female led”, this is more his fantasy than it is my own, etc. The way I choose to participate in the Hotwife lifestyle, or rather to make it work for me is what you touched upon with the idea of the “romantic Hotwife”, a term that I came up with for myself, but have found that many Hotwives also share an affinity for.
Traditionally, I would say that the majority of Hotwife relationships employ what is known as a “Bull”, an experienced male who understands the situation and lifestyle, knows his role and is there to give the woman the best “sex” that he can give to her and then bow out of the door gracefully until he is called upon again…or not. That’s typically where it stops. Women who prefer this type of situation will typically meet a bull once or twice, will meet them specifically for sex without something like dinner and conversation, and they are there for the physical almost 100%.
Where the “Romantic Hotwife” differs is that she typically requires that “romance” or “chemistry” with her lover – something that relates them on a level beyond sex. For instance, I can’t get turned on enough to even have sex unless I feel as though the person who I am sleeping with cares about me on some level beyond the physical. That means someone who is willing to take the time to have some good conversation, learn a little bit about me, doesn’t lead with the sexual (like, no introduction messages with dick pics and “I want to fuck you so hard”) – the opposite of that just doesn’t turn me on AT ALL. So, in my case, I need a guy who is willing to put in the time to be kind to me, show me that he’s interested in more than just using me as a sex toy, is willing and wants to romance and seduce me a little bit, etc. This also leads to more “long term” lovers instead of a lot of shorter term hook-ups. Once I feel comfortable with one guy, I would rather stick to that than go looking for something else.
A little background on me – before I got married the first time I had only had 4 boyfriends in my life. Even with D, before becoming a Hotwife, I had only slept with I believe 4 men. I was always the girl who was taught to “wait” until she knew that a guy cared about her before having sex, and I guess that just shaped who I am and it’s something that I’m comfortable with. I’ve never had a one night stand, never gotten drunk at a party and slept with a guy, and I guess you could say I’m pretty conservative in that regard, so when the Hotwife idea came up, I had to figure out a way I could still feel good about holding on to some of my own feelings and notions while still making it work for D – thus the “romantic Hotwife”.
Some Hotwife couples prefer the “Bull” encounters, because they do tend to be less dangerous to the relationship – no intimacy is built in most cases, it’s just sex and everyone knows their part in that. While D is fully aware of all of my boyfriends, sees all of our conversations, and in many cases speaks with them, he understands that I can’t get things “working down there” without some aspect of romance, care or seduction. Neither way is right or wrong, they are just different and mostly depend upon the woman’s preference and what she is comfortable with.
It also depends on the husband, as well… D actually enjoys this arrangement because there IS a little more danger and jealousy in it. I’m not just reporting back to him about an hour of sex as soon as a guy walked in the door, I’m telling him about an actual date that was romantic and nice. Some husbands, though, prefer for their wives to not keep contact with the same man for too long – understandably – and in those cases, it’s really a negotiation between husband and wife about what the wife is able to “handle” and what the husband is able to “handle” and they usually meet somewhere in the middle.
When I find a lover, I typically see them for one to two months, sometimes more. Within that time, there can be meetings once or twice a week to only meeting once or twice a month – it all depends on our schedules and how things work out. With my current lover, we see each other, on average, ever couple of weeks. A date typically consists of dinner, maybe a trip to the local hot springs (did that last week), or just coming over to listen to music and have some good conversation before jumping into bed. He’s been really great about that and he enjoys that himself – he’s also not one to get as much out of things without some kind of emotional investment.
When I choose to cut things off is always different, but the thing that remains the same is that it’s pretty evident when it has to happen. Either the person is developing feelings, is becoming more demanding of my time, in one instance, D started to not like the guy and so I broke it off, etc. It’s never an easy thing to do, especially when you have come to know someone a little bit. I’ve never developed feelings for a lover beyond the “situation” or caring for them as a friend, but I have had lovers develop feelings for me, and it is a difficult situation. I would say that in most cases a couple of months seeing someone once a week or once every couple of weeks is probably a good number to stick with in terms of overall length of relationship, though some can last much longer if everyone understands the situation and is comfortable with it.
In all of the talking I have done with other Hotwives, I would say that slightly more than half of them prefer things the “romantic” way. That’s because women are typically turned on first in their brains and second in their bodies. A lot of women tend to feel more “used” or “degraded” when they just meet a stranger for a random hook-up and then move on to another stranger. I have had a TON of messages by women asking how I manage to do this without feeling “used” or how I get turned on by other men when really the person I’m most turned on by is my partner – the answer is more intimacy in a lover. Some women, though, enjoy a fully sexual situation where they find a guy who is well built and well hung and they can just meet up for that raw sexual contact. It all depends on the couple, and especially on the woman.
Hope that helped to clear some things up for you….
– S
Creating a #romantic hotwife tag in response to this great explanation!
Pretty new hotwifing podcast: Holly’s Hotwife Life.
This is an introductory episode, which touches lightly on:
What they’re like as a couple
What she’s like as a person
How the fantasy came up in conversation
False starts
The first experience (it gets pretty sexy right at this point!)
How things have been going since then
Highly recommended for people who are more curious about their own fantasies!
Check it out, and support her great endeavor to provide public information on this kink! Rate the podcast, and drop her a line with questions and comments. Note: we’re not affiliated with this podcast at all—we just think it’s great that she’s doing this public service! 😁
News: ‘Stag’ men love watching other guys have sex with their wives… but it’s not cuckolding
By Holly O’Mahony and Lollie Barr for the New York Post
Excerpts below:
It’s certainly not for everyone, but some men get off watching their wife or girlfriend having sex with other men. Meet Stag and Vixen couple Susie*, 36, and Shane*, 38, who go under the Twitter handle, @Ourlittlesecret. So-called because apart from indulging in extra circular bedroom activities, they’re otherwise a long-term straight married couple with kids and regular jobs, whose friends have no idea what they get up to.
It was Shane’s long-held fantasy for Susie to have sex with another man.
Susie explains: “We’d often roleplay it in a fantasy situation. However, I was too insecure about my body to entertain the thought of having sex with anyone else. Then we started the Twitter account and started posting naked pictures (Susie never shows her face, so there’s an anonymity). I enjoyed the exhibitionism and the compliments. I got talking to a guy who lived in our city and he asked me out for coffee. Shane was all for it.”
For some, the decision to open up the relationship in this way comes after they’ve been an exclusive couple for a long time. Susie says: “Sex with another man was appealing because Shane and I have been together since I was 18. I felt like a teenager who was dating again.”
The obvious question that had be asked is whether Susie ever felt coerced in any way. “No, I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t want to. I like being able to experience pleasure with other men. However, sex anyone other than Shane is purely sexual. Our relationship is my prime focus.”
The couple say they have more sex together now.
They cover a lot of ground. Read the whole article at this link!
Have you seen this caption on people’s Facebook or Tumblr pages?
You know, usually on the page of your friend or relative who married a cheating douchebag, who then abandoned her when he was confronted? Yes, we can all agree that sucks. Nobody in their right mind would advocate for Mr. Cheato Jerkwad.
Yeah, this fills a need for them. It helps them imagine the love and security they never got from their partner. I’ll never ridicule them or argue on their timeline about it. They’ve already been through plenty.
What they’re trying to express with this caption is a deep-seated need we all have. They’re asking, “Will you be loyal to me? Or do I have to be afraid of losing you, too?”
We’re explicitly, totally against cheating. And we feel sorry for anyone who’s been betrayed.
Unfortunately, this caption also creates extremely unrealistic expectations. (Exactly as dumb and unrealistic as a lot of the ridiculous hotwifing captions you thumb through on here.)
If this is the measure of true love, you might as well hire an animator to paint you into a Disney movie, because this is a fantasy that doesn’t take into account biology, psychology, or the kind of development that occurs in the healthiest relationships.
Besides that, the whole thing is so vague. Who is “a psychology professor?” Is it a man or a woman? Are they American, Czech, Thai, or Hatian? Do they work at a big college, a community college, or a basement correspondence school? Did they say this in class, or while giving a toast at a wedding, or after watching a romantic comedy with friends?
It sounds more like somebody said something they really felt should be true, then looked for a way to give it some authority. “Oh, you know who people think are smart about these things? Psychology professors!” So they invented the fact that a psychology professor said this thing that they want to be true. It makes it feel more true.
But the statement itself is so absolute and one-sided. All people are absolutely monogamous demisexuals? Widows who still love their deceasing husband will never be able to get attracted to a living guy? Swingers who stay married for 60 years weren’t in love? You mean polyamorous people don’t exist? That’s pretty extreme.
Let’s get it straight: this isn’t a psychology fact at all. It’s…
a nice sentiment, like unicorns and Care Bears
a way for betrayed people to imagine what a better person would be like
guaranteed clickbait
widely believed, especially in conservative contexts (some churches teach things like this)
detrimental to people in real relationships
an extremist position
not something you’ll find agreeable to many real-world therapists and psychology professors
great for cartoons and Hallmark movies, but not for real life
So in conclusion, this meme applies in a way to cheaters and those they abandon. It’s completely irrelevant for most of us. And exploring our fantasies together in a loving, full-communication, functional marriage can go a long way to preventing people from even being tempted to cheat.
So ladies, keep checking out men’s butts, and be sure to tell your husband about it 😈. Guys, don’t start to develop needless anxiety because you read something like this caption.You’re both fine. Don’t let shit like this mess with your head. It doesn’t apply to us!
This is one of the several reasons why so many husbands get turned on by this kink. He loves feeling possessive, and sharing only highlights that.
Husbands with this kink have a totally inaccurate reputation for not being possessive. For a lot of men, it’s a high-level possessiveness without jealousy. It’s almost like saying, “She’s mine, not yours—even if she lets you touch her, she’s coming right back to me.”
“I have something (actually some one) you’d love to experience. Will you get to touch her? Hmmm, that all depends on a lot of things…but I get to kiss her whenever. Because I’m a badass who’s married to this hottie.”
Hotwifing emphasizes:
The permanent, solid, immense value of the wife to the husband, that he’s incredibly infatuated and confident of his bond with her.
Her absolute desirability, that other men would want her like that, and that her desirability is a part of her, and that suppressing this desirability would be criminal.
The contingent, conditional, temporary value of other men outside the marriage—they have no innate relationship to her, only what she and her husband allow.
The wife’s conviction that her husband really finds her this desirable, and that she’s so confident about his commitment to her, and the realization that her relationship to any other man only emphasizes the permanent depth of their marriage commitment.
A crude, but effective, illustration I’ve heard elsewhere is that a man who values his wife like this can be compared to a guy who has a prized Lamborgini sports car.
This thing is a valuable, amazing possession. He’s going to be very possessive—don’t try to steal it! If you’re a decent and trustworthy person, sure, he’ll let you run your hand along the surface and sit in the seat. If you’re a really worthwhile person, he might let you go slowly down the driveway. If you’re really a special person who knows what they’re doing, he might sit in the passenger’s seat while you drive. But he’s going to be watching the whole time, and making sure you treat this prized possession better than they treat anything else.
And he has the satisfaction of knowing this car is his all day, every day. Letting you drive it and say “oooh, ahhh, amazing car” only reminds him that he’s the lucky owner.
Letting “her” go around the track once or twice with another driver only makes him more eager to get back in the driver’s seat of the car he loves.
Now, instead of a car a guy owns, replace it with a loving wife, a person who nobody actually owns and never really could. She chose him too, and loves him back. This is the woman he prizes above every physical object, whom he wants to grow old with. Nobody owns her, but he likes to feel like they willingly “own each other” in a way.
Just like that Lamborgini owner, he loves showing off his most amazing “prize.” Hearing someone praise her or get turned on by her would be scary if he didn’t truly trust that she loved him back. But he believes that they’re really meant for each other. Unlike a car, she loves him back—which really puts things over the edge for him. Like, a total wash of emotions!
Obviously, every metaphor has limits. This one? Be careful not to reduce a woman to a possession or an object. The lesson isn’t about her as some sort of possessed object. Please. The lesson is about the husband’s feelings. She can’t be possessed, but he still feels possessive. She can’t be owned, but he can get a satisfied feeling that resembles it enough to make it feel good.
It’s about all the trust and pride that goes with it.
This explains a little bit how so many husbands don’t feel jealous, but still feet super possessive of their relationships with their wife. People who jump right to jealousy without ever once trying to understand what jealousy means are missing something. And they’re not going to understand compersion, for sure!
Don’t mistake a lack of jealousy for the absence of care, love, and deep attachment. You can be very sharing and also very careful about your relationship.
Knowing that your wife turns on other guys can be incredibly arousing! But knowing she’s yours for life is priceless!
Take care of your man & he will take your sensual awareness to a whole other level of immense passion beyond your own imagination.
The term stag = husband in a hotwifing marriage
This advice goes both ways too. Husbands and wives need to remember to look out for each other and keep that commitment strong.
Hotwifing vs. Open Relationships
Here are a few selections from the article:
To be perfectly honest, I don’t have the energy or patience to love one more human being in my life, if I don’t have to…
The overall idea is not letting monogamy limit you from being fulfilled by other relationships and what they can offer you…
If she’s got spare time to connect with a man, it’s going to be with her husband, hands down…
As for me, I am very monogamous in that respect. I feel happy and fulfilled by one partner. If we ever decided to be completely monogamous, I don’t think I’d mind. For now though, I love being a shared wife and intend to take full advantage of it.
I have a feeling a lot of you are going to want to share this one. If someone shares this with you, that’s because it means something to them, so please do the courtesy of reading the whole thing!
First off, I want to acknowledge that wives often have various and complex reasons for reacting negatively to husbands who bring up hotwifing. That’s a valid topic for another time. This also isn’t for households with an abusive spouse who wants to force his perversions or sick desires in whatever way they enter his mind–those men are the scum of the earth. No, this is for you loving couples, where you try your best to do things right, and keep trying even when you don’t succeed the first time.
Today, I want to talk to the wife who hears her husband share his kink with her, and doesn’t stop to dig further. She doesn’t ask, “How difficult was it for you to tell me this? How much have you thought about this? How much does this mean to you?” I’m talking to the wife who jumps to conclusions and insecurities, or shuts him down without validating his opinion. Can I talk to you for a minute?
Dear wife, I imagine you love your husband a lot, and he probably loves you a lot too. In fact, he’s opening up to you because he loves you. He wants you to be a part of his life in every way, no matter how unusual society may say it is. And society may be the reason you shut him down. Have you been told all your life that it’s wrong to have sex with another man after you get married, and that it’s cheating on your husband if you do? Have you been told that this will kill your loving relationship? Chances are, this is where you’re coming from. These feelings make it seem impossible to imagine what your husband is really thinking.
In fact, I bet these values are more deeply ingrained in you than you imagine, especially if you haven’t sat and done introspection on why you think the way you think. So when your husband comes around and tells you he’s interested in this, it breaks all kinds of norms. You think, “Cheating!” And you think, “Wrong!” And you get disturbed, because he’s asking you to do that one thing you’ve always been told a wife should never do. This is where your imagination and insecurity gets fired up–if he wants you to do the worst thing of all, then, “My God, what else is he going to suggest?” You might not think it so much as just feel it deeply within. It feels wrong–so wrong.
On behalf of your husband, let me ask you to just stop for a moment and hear his side of the equation so you can communicate on equal ground. First, he probably has some idea of how weird this is to you, and it was even hard for him to admit it to himself at first. He’s battling with his own inherited values, which in this case run counter to his sexual desires and needs; he also fears your reaction. He doesn’t want to hurt you or scare you.
Second, his definition of cheating isn’t what you think it is. You both agree that cheating is a betrayal, a theft of love and intimacy from the one who rightfully owns it. Where he’s different from you is that–for whatever reason–he feels connected to you sexually when he imagines you being promiscuous, full of desire, and feeling flirtatious lust. Your promiscuity isn’t cheating, since he connects to you in that fantasy or act. It doesn’t mean he wants to be promiscuous himself, because if it would be a betrayal of you and your desires, then he sees it as betrayal too; he isn’t interested in betraying you. He isn’t interested in you betraying him either–he is interested in connecting with you by means of observation, fantasy, and wanton lust unchained.
I hope that’s clear in your mind, because it’s crucial to understanding him. He’s not asking you to cheat when he talks to you about sexual engagement (or fantasy) with other guys.
This brings us to the provocative title of this post. “Cheating,” sexually speaking, is betraying your spouse for others. It’s disregarding their needs and desires, and giving that part of yourself to others. Here’s the point: if social pressure or fear of others (parents, priests, friends) are the reasons you’re not willing to hear your husband out when he tells the thing that is most intimate to his sexual nature, he’s not the main person in your sex life.
You’ve invited a whole society into bed with you, and you’re neglecting him for everyone else that’s intruding into your sex life. He feels cheated, because you won’t even talk, read, or think about what’s on his mind.
Is that cheating? I’ll leave it to you and him be the judge of that.
However, I hope you’ll take the time to see how you might actually have things backwards when it comes to the idea of being faithful to the one you married. Not the idea of a husband you got from society and invented over time in your mind–the actual flesh-and-blood man you pledged to be with.
I’ll be saying more along these lines in the future, but I wanted to get this out TODAY so you could start thinking about it (and wives, please don’t be offended if your husband forwarded this to you–remember, more than anything sexual, he longs to be loved, trusted, and understood; please give him that at the very least).
Hotwife Facts and Fantasies 