Tag: jealousy

Wife POV: My Everyday Confidence Grew after Opening Up Sexually

We’re sharing an excellent overview article by Brenna at Front Porch Swingers. Here, she details how friendships, professional relationships, and sexual satisfaction (of course) have been positively impacted by opening up her marriage.

Her big takeaways from her own experiences fall under three big headers;

  • Lifestyle Ladies Tend to Treat Other Females Differently—Women in free and open lifestyle relationships are very often kinder, more complimentary and supportive of other women.
  • Lifestyle Ladies Tell Others What They Want—Women who play around with others gain confidence in the bedroom, which leads to confidence in the workplace and everywhere else!
  • Lifestyle Ladies Can Speak Honestly with Others About Sex—Women who are free to openly share ideas with their female friends have a leg up on gaining satisfaction and confidence.

Between the main headers you’ll find some great thoughts and experiences that might make you smile. And it’s a short read—it’s worth your time!

Permalink: https://www.frontporchswingers.com/post/how-do-women-in-the-lifestyle-differ-from-vanilla-ladies

Common Sense Advice about Opening Up

Self Magazine recently published an overview of factors that weigh into whether a couple might benefit from an open relationship (and three factors that would make it a bad idea).

It’s a very level-headed discussion. Hopefully it’s a good indication of how society is opening up to common sense in a very important area. So many problems can be avoided if we’re honest with ourselves about who we are as individuals!

The Hate Against Non-Monogamous Desires & Relationships Needs To Stop.

thecuckoldconsultant:

Some days I wake up and I think things like, “Ya know, we’ve
made tremendous relative progress as
a society in terms of overcoming ignorance-based hate, prejudice, and discrimination.”

But then other days I wake up and I think things like, “How
is it possible that we’ve made it to the 21st century and yet still,
there are just so many people who hold
ignorant views that exude nothing but blind hatred towards that which they
either don’t understand or just simply don’t like?”

Today, I woke up thinking the latter.

I therefore wanted to take some time to send a message to those
who still apparently have prejudicial/condescending/mocking/hateful/hostile/intolerant
attitudes towards people who live some kind of alternative or non-mongamous sexual relationship
arrangement such as swinging, hotwifing, cuckolding, cuckqueaning, polyamory, etc…

If your current view of the world is one that automatically associates
having “alternative” sexual desires and living in “alternative” sexual
relationships with abnormality, weakness, insecurity, shame, sin,  being mentally unstable/unfit…your worldview
says more about you than it does
those towards whom you are prejudiced.

If you attempt to justify your own prejudicial and hostilely
disapproving attitudes towards “alternative” sexual desires and living “alternative”
sexual relationships by resorting to explaining said desires and relationships in
ways which make you think you’re better or healthier or more right than those
who aren’t monogamous or vanilla…you are wearing blinders and your views are biased.

If you aren’t yet aware of how “alternative” sexual desires
and living “alternative” sexual relationships can indeed be indicative of the
strength and health of a person and/or relationship (as opposed to the weakness
of a person and/or relationship), you are sorely mistaken and ignorant.

And finally, if you harbor or hold any kind of disapproving,
hostile, or hateful attitudes towards those who have “alternative” sexual
desires and who live “alternative” sexual relationships…it is the 21st
century and you need to Grow. The. Hell. Up. and start focusing more on
understanding those who are different than you instead of hating on them.

Reblog and pass it on. 

What Open Marriage Taught Me About Feminism

In this essay, a husband shares his six-month struggle to process his wife’s request for an open marriage, and how two years down the road it’s been beneficial for their communication, love, and affection.

Here are some amazing excerpts from the essay:

For my wife, the choice between honoring our vows and fulfilling her desires was a false choice, another trap. She knew how deep our love was, and knew that her wanting a variety of sexual experiences as we traveled through life together would not diminish or disrupt that love. It took me about six months — many long, intense conversations, and an ocean of red wine — before I knew it, too.

When my wife told me she wanted to open our marriage and take other lovers, she wasn’t rejecting me, she was embracing herself.

That was two years ago, and today we’ve never been happier, more in tune, closer, tighter, stronger. Whatever power I surrendered, I don’t miss. I wouldn’t recommend it for everyone, but I tell everyone it works for us.

It feels very adult, especially because it depends on open, honest communication. We take great pride in all the talking we do. I meet a lot of people who say they’ll never get married because they don’t want to get divorced, and hearing it always makes me sad, because they are cutting themselves off from the possibility of the magic that happens when two people share their lives. People don’t divorce because they can’t stand sharing anymore; they divorce because they feel like they can’t share enough.

This has been the great challenge of my open marriage: to draw strength from vulnerability. Doing so requires supreme self-confidence. You must first really, truly love yourself; it is the foundation upon which all the other love is built.

From everywhere comes the message that what I’m doing is for weaklings, losers, failures, pussies; that if I had money and status, I could keep my wife “in line”; that her self-discovery comes at the expense of my self-esteem. My open marriage has made heavy demands on my ability to silence the voice of doubt in my head, that gnawing feeling of worthlessness. But I find I can meet those demands, and that I am able to build my self-confidence out of nothing more than the basic dignity we all possess.

I’m grateful to my wife for pushing us to take this leap.

What Open Marriage Taught One Man About Feminism

Have you seen this caption on people’s Facebook or Tumblr pages?

You know, usually on the page of your friend or relative who married a cheating douchebag, who then abandoned her when he was confronted? Yes, we can all agree that sucks. Nobody in their right mind would advocate for Mr. Cheato Jerkwad.

Yeah, this fills a need for them. It helps them imagine the love and security they never got from their partner. I’ll never ridicule them or argue on their timeline about it. They’ve already been through plenty.

What they’re trying to express with this caption is a deep-seated need we all have. They’re asking, “Will you be loyal to me? Or do I have to be afraid of losing you, too?”

We’re explicitly, totally against cheating. And we feel sorry for anyone who’s been betrayed.

Unfortunately, this caption also creates extremely unrealistic expectations. (Exactly as dumb and unrealistic as a lot of the ridiculous hotwifing captions you thumb through on here.)

If this is the measure of true love, you might as well hire an animator to paint you into a Disney movie, because this is a fantasy that doesn’t take into account biology, psychology, or the kind of development that occurs in the healthiest relationships.

Besides that, the whole thing is so vague. Who is “a psychology professor?” Is it a man or a woman? Are they American, Czech, Thai, or Hatian? Do they work at a big college, a community college, or a basement correspondence school? Did they say this in class, or while giving a toast at a wedding, or after watching a romantic comedy with friends?

It sounds more like somebody said something they really felt should be true, then looked for a way to give it some authority. “Oh, you know who people think are smart about these things? Psychology professors!” So they invented the fact that a psychology professor said this thing that they want to be true. It makes it feel more true.

But the statement itself is so absolute and one-sided. All people are absolutely monogamous demisexuals? Widows who still love their deceasing husband will never be able to get attracted to a living guy? Swingers who stay married for 60 years weren’t in love? You mean polyamorous people don’t exist? That’s pretty extreme.

Let’s get it straight: this isn’t a psychology fact at all. It’s…

  • a nice sentiment, like unicorns and Care Bears
  • a way for betrayed people to imagine what a better person would be like
  • guaranteed clickbait
  • widely believed, especially in conservative contexts (some churches teach things like this)
  • detrimental to people in real relationships
  • an extremist position
  • not something you’ll find agreeable to many real-world therapists and psychology professors
  • great for cartoons and Hallmark movies, but not for real life

So in conclusion, this meme applies in a way to cheaters and those they abandon. It’s completely irrelevant for most of us. And exploring our fantasies together in a loving, full-communication, functional marriage can go a long way to preventing people from even being tempted to cheat.

So ladies, keep checking out men’s butts, and be sure to tell your husband about it 😈. Guys, don’t start to develop needless anxiety because you read something like this caption. You’re both fine. Don’t let shit like this mess with your head. It doesn’t apply to us!

A Wife’s Guide for Bringing up Hotwifing

Emma writes that most people who raise the prospect of hotwifing are husbands. That’s probably true for now, for two reasons:

  1. Wives are only just beginning to hear about it, so the exposure hasn ’t been there for wives to consider it for very long, and
  2. Wives with the fantasy are more reluctant to bring it up for fear of triggering their husband’s jealousy, sounding slutty, or worse.

Regardless of why, the truth is that I hear about more and more wives who have this interest. They’re good wives who love their husbands, and they can’t imagine how to raise their fantasies with their husbands without hurting their feelings or angering them.

That’s where Emma’s article is so valuable. She explains why this topic can be so sensitive for husbands who haven’t previously considered it, and explains some ways for making sure he’s ready to listen. This is kind of a big bombshell to drop on men who have only ever heard of (a) monogamy or (b) cheating. He’s going to assume the worst if he can’t take a deep breath and hear about all the different options in between these two familiar words.

The basic needs he has are the same as yours: respect, confidence, boundaries, and a general sense of stability and security. If his needs for love and security are met, he’ll be more interested in listening.

You can also send him to sites like this one and others. Learning about compersion can be really important, and seeing just how aroused other husbands get by their wives “naughty behavior” can help them see different ways of looking at their wife’s sexuality. Ideally, he won’t just consent—hopefully he can get to where it turns him on like crazy. Like in all our dirty captions! 😈

As time goes on and more women get in touch with this fantasy, we’re going to need a lot more articles like this one!

The Reluctant Husband – A Shared Wife, hotwife blog, sex articles, erotica

hotwifetricks:

http://hotwifetricks.tumblr.com/archive

This is one of the several reasons why so many husbands get turned on by this kink. He loves feeling possessive, and sharing only highlights that.

Husbands with this kink have a totally inaccurate reputation for not being possessive. For a lot of men, it’s a high-level possessiveness without jealousy. It’s almost like saying, “She’s mine, not yours—even if she lets you touch her, she’s coming right back to me.”

“I have something (actually some one) you’d love to experience. Will you get to touch her? Hmmm, that all depends on a lot of things…but I get to kiss her whenever. Because I’m a badass who’s married to this hottie.”

Hotwifing emphasizes:

  • The permanent, solid, immense value of the wife to the husband, that he’s incredibly infatuated and confident of his bond with her.
  • Her absolute desirability, that other men would want her like that, and that her desirability is a part of her, and that suppressing this desirability would be criminal.
  • The contingent, conditional, temporary value of other men outside the marriage—they have no innate relationship to her, only what she and her husband allow.
  • The wife’s conviction that her husband really finds her this desirable, and that she’s so confident about his commitment to her, and the realization that her relationship to any other man only emphasizes the permanent depth of their marriage commitment.

A crude, but effective, illustration I’ve heard elsewhere is that a man who values his wife like this can be compared to a guy who has a prized Lamborgini sports car.

This thing is a valuable, amazing possession. He’s going to be very possessive—don’t try to steal it! If you’re a decent and trustworthy person, sure, he’ll let you run your hand along the surface and sit in the seat. If you’re a really worthwhile person, he might let you go slowly down the driveway. If you’re really a special person who knows what they’re doing, he might sit in the passenger’s seat while you drive. But he’s going to be watching the whole time, and making sure you treat this prized possession better than they treat anything else.

And he has the satisfaction of knowing this car is his all day, every day. Letting you drive it and say “oooh, ahhh, amazing car” only reminds him that he’s the lucky owner.

Letting “her” go around the track once or twice with another driver only makes him more eager to get back in the driver’s seat of the car he loves.

Now, instead of a car a guy owns, replace it with a loving wife, a person who nobody actually owns and never really could. She chose him too, and loves him back. This is the woman he prizes above every physical object, whom he wants to grow old with. Nobody owns her, but he likes to feel like they willingly “own each other” in a way.

Just like that Lamborgini owner, he loves showing off his most amazing “prize.” Hearing someone praise her or get turned on by her would be scary if he didn’t truly trust that she loved him back. But he believes that they’re really meant for each other. Unlike a car, she loves him back—which really puts things over the edge for him. Like, a total wash of emotions!

Obviously, every metaphor has limits. This one? Be careful not to reduce a woman to a possession or an object. The lesson isn’t about her as some sort of possessed object. Please. The lesson is about the husband’s feelings. She can’t be possessed, but he still feels possessive. She can’t be owned, but he can get a satisfied feeling that resembles it enough to make it feel good.

It’s about all the trust and pride that goes with it.

This explains a little bit how so many husbands don’t feel jealous, but still feet super possessive of their relationships with their wife. People who jump right to jealousy without ever once trying to understand what jealousy means are missing something. And they’re not going to understand compersion, for sure!

Don’t mistake a lack of jealousy for the absence of care, love, and deep attachment. You can be very sharing and also very careful about your relationship.

Knowing that your wife turns on other guys can be incredibly arousing! But knowing she’s yours for life is priceless!

Cheating on him by not cheating on him?

allaboutthehotwifelife:

I have a feeling a lot of you are going to want to share this one. If someone shares this with you, that’s because it means something to them, so please do the courtesy of reading the whole thing!

First off, I want to acknowledge that wives often have various and complex reasons for reacting negatively to husbands who bring up hotwifing. That’s a valid topic for another time. This also isn’t for households with an abusive spouse who wants to force his perversions or sick desires in whatever way they enter his mind–those men are the scum of the earth. No, this is for you loving couples, where you try your best to do things right, and keep trying even when you don’t succeed the first time.

Today, I want to talk to the wife who hears her husband share his kink with her, and doesn’t stop to dig further. She doesn’t ask, “How difficult was it for you to tell me this? How much have you thought about this? How much does this mean to you?” I’m talking to the wife who jumps to conclusions and insecurities, or shuts him down without validating his opinion. Can I talk to you for a minute?

Dear wife, I imagine you love your husband a lot, and he probably loves you a lot too. In fact, he’s opening up to you because he loves you. He wants you to be a part of his life in every way, no matter how unusual society may say it is. And society may be the reason you shut him down. Have you been told all your life that it’s wrong to have sex with another man after you get married, and that it’s cheating on your husband if you do? Have you been told that this will kill your loving relationship? Chances are, this is where you’re coming from. These feelings make it seem impossible to imagine what your husband is really thinking.

In fact, I bet these values are more deeply ingrained in you than you imagine, especially if you haven’t sat and done introspection on why you think the way you think. So when your husband comes around and tells you he’s interested in this, it breaks all kinds of norms. You think, “Cheating!” And you think, “Wrong!” And you get disturbed, because he’s asking you to do that one thing you’ve always been told a wife should never do. This is where your imagination and insecurity gets fired up–if he wants you to do the worst thing of all, then, “My God, what else is he going to suggest?” You might not think it so much as just feel it deeply within. It feels wrong–so wrong.

On behalf of your husband, let me ask you to just stop for a moment and hear his side of the equation so you can communicate on equal ground. First, he probably has some idea of how weird this is to you, and it was even hard for him to admit it to himself at first. He’s battling with his own inherited values, which in this case run counter to his sexual desires and needs; he also fears your reaction. He doesn’t want to hurt you or scare you.

Second, his definition of cheating isn’t what you think it is. You both agree that cheating is a betrayal, a theft of love and intimacy from the one who rightfully owns it. Where he’s different from you is that–for whatever reason–he feels connected to you sexually when he imagines you being promiscuous, full of desire, and feeling flirtatious lust. Your promiscuity isn’t cheating, since he connects to you in that fantasy or act. It doesn’t mean he wants to be promiscuous himself, because if it would be a betrayal of you and your desires, then he sees it as betrayal too; he isn’t interested in betraying you. He isn’t interested in you betraying him either–he is interested in connecting with you by means of observation, fantasy, and wanton lust unchained.

I hope that’s clear in your mind, because it’s crucial to understanding him. He’s not asking you to cheat when he talks to you about sexual engagement (or fantasy) with other guys.

This brings us to the provocative title of this post. “Cheating,” sexually speaking, is betraying your spouse for others. It’s disregarding their needs and desires, and giving that part of yourself to others. Here’s the point: if social pressure or fear of others (parents, priests, friends) are the reasons you’re not willing to hear your husband out when he tells the thing that is most intimate to his sexual nature, he’s not the main person in your sex life.

You’ve invited a whole society into bed with you, and you’re neglecting him for everyone else that’s intruding into your sex life. He feels cheated, because you won’t even talk, read, or think about what’s on his mind.

Is that cheating? I’ll leave it to you and him be the judge of that.

However, I hope you’ll take the time to see how you might actually have things backwards when it comes to the idea of being faithful to the one you married. Not the idea of a husband you got from society and invented over time in your mind–the actual flesh-and-blood man you pledged to be with.

I’ll be saying more along these lines in the future, but I wanted to get this out TODAY so you could start thinking about it (and wives, please don’t be offended if your husband forwarded this to you–remember, more than anything sexual, he longs to be loved, trusted, and understood; please give him that at the very least).

Damn. This is deep.