I have a feeling a lot of you are going to want to share this one. If someone shares this with you, that’s because it means something to them, so please do the courtesy of reading the whole thing!
First off, I want to acknowledge that wives often have various and complex reasons for reacting negatively to husbands who bring up hotwifing. That’s a valid topic for another time. This also isn’t for households with an abusive spouse who wants to force his perversions or sick desires in whatever way they enter his mind–those men are the scum of the earth. No, this is for you loving couples, where you try your best to do things right, and keep trying even when you don’t succeed the first time.
Today, I want to talk to the wife who hears her husband share his kink with her, and doesn’t stop to dig further. She doesn’t ask, “How difficult was it for you to tell me this? How much have you thought about this? How much does this mean to you?” I’m talking to the wife who jumps to conclusions and insecurities, or shuts him down without validating his opinion. Can I talk to you for a minute?
Dear wife, I imagine you love your husband a lot, and he probably loves you a lot too. In fact, he’s opening up to you because he loves you. He wants you to be a part of his life in every way, no matter how unusual society may say it is. And society may be the reason you shut him down. Have you been told all your life that it’s wrong to have sex with another man after you get married, and that it’s cheating on your husband if you do? Have you been told that this will kill your loving relationship? Chances are, this is where you’re coming from. These feelings make it seem impossible to imagine what your husband is really thinking.
In fact, I bet these values are more deeply ingrained in you than you imagine, especially if you haven’t sat and done introspection on why you think the way you think. So when your husband comes around and tells you he’s interested in this, it breaks all kinds of norms. You think, “Cheating!” And you think, “Wrong!” And you get disturbed, because he’s asking you to do that one thing you’ve always been told a wife should never do. This is where your imagination and insecurity gets fired up–if he wants you to do the worst thing of all, then, “My God, what else is he going to suggest?” You might not think it so much as just feel it deeply within. It feels wrong–so wrong.
On behalf of your husband, let me ask you to just stop for a moment and hear his side of the equation so you can communicate on equal ground. First, he probably has some idea of how weird this is to you, and it was even hard for him to admit it to himself at first. He’s battling with his own inherited values, which in this case run counter to his sexual desires and needs; he also fears your reaction. He doesn’t want to hurt you or scare you.
Second, his definition of cheating isn’t what you think it is. You both agree that cheating is a betrayal, a theft of love and intimacy from the one who rightfully owns it. Where he’s different from you is that–for whatever reason–he feels connected to you sexually when he imagines you being promiscuous, full of desire, and feeling flirtatious lust. Your promiscuity isn’t cheating, since he connects to you in that fantasy or act. It doesn’t mean he wants to be promiscuous himself, because if it would be a betrayal of you and your desires, then he sees it as betrayal too; he isn’t interested in betraying you. He isn’t interested in you betraying him either–he is interested in connecting with you by means of observation, fantasy, and wanton lust unchained.
I hope that’s clear in your mind, because it’s crucial to understanding him. He’s not asking you to cheat when he talks to you about sexual engagement (or fantasy) with other guys.
This brings us to the provocative title of this post. “Cheating,” sexually speaking, is betraying your spouse for others. It’s disregarding their needs and desires, and giving that part of yourself to others. Here’s the point: if social pressure or fear of others (parents, priests, friends) are the reasons you’re not willing to hear your husband out when he tells the thing that is most intimate to his sexual nature, he’s not the main person in your sex life.
You’ve invited a whole society into bed with you, and you’re neglecting him for everyone else that’s intruding into your sex life. He feels cheated, because you won’t even talk, read, or think about what’s on his mind.
Is that cheating? I’ll leave it to you and him be the judge of that.
However, I hope you’ll take the time to see how you might actually have things backwards when it comes to the idea of being faithful to the one you married. Not the idea of a husband you got from society and invented over time in your mind–the actual flesh-and-blood man you pledged to be with.
I’ll be saying more along these lines in the future, but I wanted to get this out TODAY so you could start thinking about it (and wives, please don’t be offended if your husband forwarded this to you–remember, more than anything sexual, he longs to be loved, trusted, and understood; please give him that at the very least).
Damn. This is deep.
Why Married Couples Are Into Cuckolding (excerpts)
(Note: this article is more about hotwifing than cuckolding as it’s usually defined in the lifestyle sense)
“…many of these couples had quite extraordinary levels of commitment, showed deep mutual respect, and communicated skillfully. A significant number also reported very high levels of marital satisfaction and sexual satisfaction after decades of being together, a rather unusual state of affairs.”
“This fascinating subset of swinging and kink is the second most commonly searched term by heterosexual porn users on English-language search engines, and researcher Justin Lehmiller found in a survey of 4,000 men that 58% of them had fantasies about sharing their partner with other men…”
“What strikes Ley most, he told me, is the incredible resourcefulness and creativity of the arrangements he witnessed. ‘It’s like these guys understand the very real sexual power of the women they’re partnered with,’ he marveled.”
One love? We all have the capacity for unlimited love. We all love different people, places, and things. And because we love one thing doesn’t mean we love the other any less. We share our love uniquely with others. One isn’t better than the other and we should see it that way. I can love my boyfriend hard and strong but it is not the way I love my husband. My love for him is also strong and it is undying. I can never love anyone the way I love my husband and neither he or I would want that. The song says, “One Love” in ways, at least for me, I don’t agree with. At least for me, there are many loves, many opportunities to express my love. I don’t see the benefits for caging the heart and limiting oneself to only one love. But that’s just me.
The fantasy of having a “Hotwife” is growing, in fact, research
shows it is growing at a higher rate than a good majority of the other
lifestyle alternatives, including the old staple of “swinging” and the modern “open
relationship”. Why is it that a fantasy
that revolves around only one part of a relationship – the woman – going out
and finding pleasure from another man more intriguing to an increasing number of men than going
out and “getting some” for himself?
Basic psychology tells us that men are highly competitive
creatures. They have a drive to compete
with other males of the species for the best mate – this isn’t so much
different than what happens in the animal kingdom. Most men have an innate drive to compete with
other men when it comes to the “best mate” or the “most attractive woman”. With this being said, one of the reservations
of most women who find out about their husband or partner’s Hotwife fantasy is
that he is somehow “weaker” than the rest because he wants to give up his
position as your only partner. Is this
really true, though? Could the truth lie
somewhere within today’s man’s loss of natural competition in everyday life,
and a desire to maintain a level of competition after marriage or “monogamy”? Is this weakness, or rather the ultimate
confidence?
Cuckholding aside, because this aspect of the fantasy requires
a bit more in terms of a “woman led” relationship, and a bit more from the man
in terms of a desire for mental sadomasochism, a good majority of men enjoy the
idea that they have been able to “capture” the best mate and even when she’s
out having amazing physical and emotional experiences with men who may have qualities
that actually supersede their own – a better body, a larger cock, youth, more
prowess in bed – their woman actually WANTS to come back to them at the end of
the night. While most Hotwife-Husbands do
get some level of turn-on from the jealousy and the possibility that their Hotwife
may actually be enjoying their dates more than they enjoy being “at home”, the
overwhelming desire is the competition and the “win” in terms of having a wife
who chooses them again and again even after being allowed to go out and have
other men.
As Hotwives, we may be the focus of the fantasy, but there
is that deeper and more psychological desire of a man who, even after
committing to one woman, is able to compete with other males sexually. This is why the desire for “reclaiming” a
Hotwife after a date is so strong – it’s actually been scientifically proven
that men who are able to reclaim a partner after she has been with someone else
have an increase in testosterone levels, which means stronger desire, more
powerful erections, longer lasting erections, and an overall stronger sex
drive. So, what does this mean for us as
Hotwives?
He Enjoys the
Jealousy, Go with It
As women we’ve learned that inducing some jealousy can
actually be a good thing when it comes to dating – before we’ve found our “person”. We use our female prowess to keep the men who
we are seeing guessing…why? Because they
seem more interested in us when it seems as though we may not be 100%
there. So, if this works in the dating
world, why wouldn’t it work once we’re married?
In contrast, women typically don’t respond as well, or in the same way
to jealousy – we tend to worry, question, and sometimes shut down if we feel that
he might be “just not that into us”. Naturally,
because of our own feelings on the matter, we tend to avoid making our men
jealous once we’ve committed to them, because we, ourselves don’t want to feel
as though we’re in constant competition with other, more attractive, sexier,
younger, etc., women. Why would we do
something to the man that we love that we, ourselves, would hate?
For men, though, and especially those with Hotwife
fantasies, jealousy is a big component and tool for us to keep our men hot and
bothered. Sometimes just the mere
mention of being flirted with by that cute guy at our favorite restaurant, or
our interest in the sexy personal trainer at the gym is enough to send our men
into a sexual frenzy. It doesn’t take a
lot to feed the fantasy. It’s not ALL
about dates and recounting how well we got worked over in the bedroom (and how
much we loved it), though that is the ultimate turn on for our men, it’s also about
the little things – the mention of our interest in someone else, the sexy
messages that we send to potential lovers or Bulls, the “tease” of how much we
loved what our last Bull did for us and how much we’re looking forward to doing
it again. Remember, this ignites the “competition”
element of things, which is natural for men.
The More You Enjoy
it, the More He Enjoys it
You may be thinking, “But I’m doing it for him, I’m not
doing it for myself” (a common theme by A LOT of Hotwives), but in reality, our
men WANT us to enjoy our encounters.
They want to hear about what this “other guy” did for or to is that sent
us over the edge, and yes, they want to hear what we liked better about the “other
guy”. I know it seems crazy, because we
don’t want to imagine our men, even if we did allow them to be with other women,
thinking that their “others” were better, sexier, hotter or had something that
we don’t. That’s because we don’t have
that “competition drive” like our men do.
Let’s face it, despite what our men tell us – “It’s all
about your pleasure” or “I don’t get anything out of it unless you’re enjoying
it, because I love you so much” – this isn’t some ultimate “unselfish” thing our
men are doing for us. These things come
out of their mouths, but what they are really saying is “I want to know that
you came three times while he was fucking you, and you STILL want to come home
to me”. It’s their kink, and we have to
understand it.
So, if you’ve actually taken the step into the world of
Hotwifing, you’re going to have to learn how to properly tease your man into
believing that, just maybe, your Bull was better than him in some ways. Whenever you think “But I’m only doing it for
him”, follow that us with “I’m doing it for him and he WANTS to know that I absolutely
enjoyed it”. Find some aspect of your
encounter that was mind-blowing, and recount, in great detail exactly what it
was that sent you over the edge. This
may require a little bit of embellishment, and that’s OKAY…trust me…embellishment
is your friend in this situation. Tell your
man about your Bull’s amazing cock, how good if felt, how good he tasted, how
fantastic he was at oral sex, etc. These
are the things that will ramp up that competition streak in your man and make
him want to reclaim you with increased vigor and desire.
The More You Want
Someone Else, The More Your Man Wants You
Again, you’re playing on the competition and the teasing
aspect of things here… The more that you
act as if you WANT to be a Hotwife, the more that your husband or partner is
going to WANT you. His desire for you is
going to skyrocket, his sexual desire for you is going to make it so that he’s
ready to chew his own leg off to get you back in bed. I have experienced this firsthand many times…if
I am completely honest about an “encounter” and admit to “D” that my Bull was
lacking in some way, or I didn’t quite “get there”, he isn’t nearly as turned
on as when I tell him about how amazing things were. I don’t like or believe in lying, but I do
advocate for being selective and stretching the truth…maybe your lover wasn’t
the best at giving oral sex, but maybe he was an amazing kisser, so a good
answer would be “he was amazing with his mouth” and leave the rest up for interpretation.
We’re women. We are
strong and capable and we are smart. And
the truth is, this is a GAME we are playing for and with our husbands/partners,
so we need to get our heads into the game.
Furthermore, this is an intellectual game, and we need to use our intellects
to get to where we want to be. Where do
we want to be? We want to have a husband/partner
who is absolutely drooling over us, believes we are the ultimate sexual
goddess, and in is jealous enough to realize that in order to “compete” they
will need to step up their own game in order to “keep” us satisfied – be that
with amazing sex, extra romance, other rewards, or all of the above.
Hotwife Facts and Fantasies 