Self Magazine recently published an overview of factors that weigh into whether a couple might benefit from an open relationship (and three factors that would make it a bad idea).
It’s a very level-headed discussion. Hopefully it’s a good indication of how society is opening up to common sense in a very important area. So many problems can be avoided if we’re honest with ourselves about who we are as individuals!
What Open Marriage Taught Me About Feminism
In this essay, a husband shares his six-month struggle to process his wife’s request for an open marriage, and how two years down the road it’s been beneficial for their communication, love, and affection.
Here are some amazing excerpts from the essay:
For my wife, the choice between honoring our vows and fulfilling her desires was a false choice, another trap. She knew how deep our love was, and knew that her wanting a variety of sexual experiences as we traveled through life together would not diminish or disrupt that love. It took me about six months — many long, intense conversations, and an ocean of red wine — before I knew it, too.
When my wife told me she wanted to open our marriage and take other lovers, she wasn’t rejecting me, she was embracing herself.
That was two years ago, and today we’ve never been happier, more in tune, closer, tighter, stronger. Whatever power I surrendered, I don’t miss. I wouldn’t recommend it for everyone, but I tell everyone it works for us.
It feels very adult, especially because it depends on open, honest communication. We take great pride in all the talking we do. I meet a lot of people who say they’ll never get married because they don’t want to get divorced, and hearing it always makes me sad, because they are cutting themselves off from the possibility of the magic that happens when two people share their lives. People don’t divorce because they can’t stand sharing anymore; they divorce because they feel like they can’t share enough.
This has been the great challenge of my open marriage: to draw strength from vulnerability. Doing so requires supreme self-confidence. You must first really, truly love yourself; it is the foundation upon which all the other love is built.
From everywhere comes the message that what I’m doing is for weaklings, losers, failures, pussies; that if I had money and status, I could keep my wife “in line”; that her self-discovery comes at the expense of my self-esteem. My open marriage has made heavy demands on my ability to silence the voice of doubt in my head, that gnawing feeling of worthlessness. But I find I can meet those demands, and that I am able to build my self-confidence out of nothing more than the basic dignity we all possess.
I’m grateful to my wife for pushing us to take this leap.
Have you seen this caption on people’s Facebook or Tumblr pages?
You know, usually on the page of your friend or relative who married a cheating douchebag, who then abandoned her when he was confronted? Yes, we can all agree that sucks. Nobody in their right mind would advocate for Mr. Cheato Jerkwad.
Yeah, this fills a need for them. It helps them imagine the love and security they never got from their partner. I’ll never ridicule them or argue on their timeline about it. They’ve already been through plenty.
What they’re trying to express with this caption is a deep-seated need we all have. They’re asking, “Will you be loyal to me? Or do I have to be afraid of losing you, too?”
We’re explicitly, totally against cheating. And we feel sorry for anyone who’s been betrayed.
Unfortunately, this caption also creates extremely unrealistic expectations. (Exactly as dumb and unrealistic as a lot of the ridiculous hotwifing captions you thumb through on here.)
If this is the measure of true love, you might as well hire an animator to paint you into a Disney movie, because this is a fantasy that doesn’t take into account biology, psychology, or the kind of development that occurs in the healthiest relationships.
Besides that, the whole thing is so vague. Who is “a psychology professor?” Is it a man or a woman? Are they American, Czech, Thai, or Hatian? Do they work at a big college, a community college, or a basement correspondence school? Did they say this in class, or while giving a toast at a wedding, or after watching a romantic comedy with friends?
It sounds more like somebody said something they really felt should be true, then looked for a way to give it some authority. “Oh, you know who people think are smart about these things? Psychology professors!” So they invented the fact that a psychology professor said this thing that they want to be true. It makes it feel more true.
But the statement itself is so absolute and one-sided. All people are absolutely monogamous demisexuals? Widows who still love their deceasing husband will never be able to get attracted to a living guy? Swingers who stay married for 60 years weren’t in love? You mean polyamorous people don’t exist? That’s pretty extreme.
Let’s get it straight: this isn’t a psychology fact at all. It’s…
a nice sentiment, like unicorns and Care Bears
a way for betrayed people to imagine what a better person would be like
guaranteed clickbait
widely believed, especially in conservative contexts (some churches teach things like this)
detrimental to people in real relationships
an extremist position
not something you’ll find agreeable to many real-world therapists and psychology professors
great for cartoons and Hallmark movies, but not for real life
So in conclusion, this meme applies in a way to cheaters and those they abandon. It’s completely irrelevant for most of us. And exploring our fantasies together in a loving, full-communication, functional marriage can go a long way to preventing people from even being tempted to cheat.
So ladies, keep checking out men’s butts, and be sure to tell your husband about it 😈. Guys, don’t start to develop needless anxiety because you read something like this caption.You’re both fine. Don’t let shit like this mess with your head. It doesn’t apply to us!
A Wife’s Guide for Bringing up Hotwifing
Emma writes that most people who raise the prospect of hotwifing are husbands. That’s probably true for now, for two reasons:
Wives are only just beginning to hear about it, so the exposure hasn ’t been there for wives to consider it for very long, and
Wives with the fantasy are more reluctant to bring it up for fear of triggering their husband’s jealousy, sounding slutty, or worse.
Regardless of why, the truth is that I hear about more and more wives who have this interest. They’re good wives who love their husbands, and they can’t imagine how to raise their fantasies with their husbands without hurting their feelings or angering them.
That’s where Emma’s article is so valuable. She explains why this topic can be so sensitive for husbands who haven’t previously considered it, and explains some ways for making sure he’s ready to listen. This is kind of a big bombshell to drop on men who have only ever heard of (a) monogamy or (b) cheating. He’s going to assume the worst if he can’t take a deep breath and hear about all the different options in between these two familiar words.
The basic needs he has are the same as yours: respect, confidence, boundaries, and a general sense of stability and security. If his needs for love and security are met, he’ll be more interested in listening.
You can also send him to sites like this one and others. Learning about compersion can be really important, and seeing just how aroused other husbands get by their wives “naughty behavior” can help them see different ways of looking at their wife’s sexuality. Ideally, he won’t just consent—hopefully he can get to where it turns him on like crazy. Like in all our dirty captions! 😈
As time goes on and more women get in touch with this fantasy, we’re going to need a lot more articles like this one!
This is one of the several reasons why so many husbands get turned on by this kink. He loves feeling possessive, and sharing only highlights that.
Husbands with this kink have a totally inaccurate reputation for not being possessive. For a lot of men, it’s a high-level possessiveness without jealousy. It’s almost like saying, “She’s mine, not yours—even if she lets you touch her, she’s coming right back to me.”
“I have something (actually some one) you’d love to experience. Will you get to touch her? Hmmm, that all depends on a lot of things…but I get to kiss her whenever. Because I’m a badass who’s married to this hottie.”
Hotwifing emphasizes:
The permanent, solid, immense value of the wife to the husband, that he’s incredibly infatuated and confident of his bond with her.
Her absolute desirability, that other men would want her like that, and that her desirability is a part of her, and that suppressing this desirability would be criminal.
The contingent, conditional, temporary value of other men outside the marriage—they have no innate relationship to her, only what she and her husband allow.
The wife’s conviction that her husband really finds her this desirable, and that she’s so confident about his commitment to her, and the realization that her relationship to any other man only emphasizes the permanent depth of their marriage commitment.
A crude, but effective, illustration I’ve heard elsewhere is that a man who values his wife like this can be compared to a guy who has a prized Lamborgini sports car.
This thing is a valuable, amazing possession. He’s going to be very possessive—don’t try to steal it! If you’re a decent and trustworthy person, sure, he’ll let you run your hand along the surface and sit in the seat. If you’re a really worthwhile person, he might let you go slowly down the driveway. If you’re really a special person who knows what they’re doing, he might sit in the passenger’s seat while you drive. But he’s going to be watching the whole time, and making sure you treat this prized possession better than they treat anything else.
And he has the satisfaction of knowing this car is his all day, every day. Letting you drive it and say “oooh, ahhh, amazing car” only reminds him that he’s the lucky owner.
Letting “her” go around the track once or twice with another driver only makes him more eager to get back in the driver’s seat of the car he loves.
Now, instead of a car a guy owns, replace it with a loving wife, a person who nobody actually owns and never really could. She chose him too, and loves him back. This is the woman he prizes above every physical object, whom he wants to grow old with. Nobody owns her, but he likes to feel like they willingly “own each other” in a way.
Just like that Lamborgini owner, he loves showing off his most amazing “prize.” Hearing someone praise her or get turned on by her would be scary if he didn’t truly trust that she loved him back. But he believes that they’re really meant for each other. Unlike a car, she loves him back—which really puts things over the edge for him. Like, a total wash of emotions!
Obviously, every metaphor has limits. This one? Be careful not to reduce a woman to a possession or an object. The lesson isn’t about her as some sort of possessed object. Please. The lesson is about the husband’s feelings. She can’t be possessed, but he still feels possessive. She can’t be owned, but he can get a satisfied feeling that resembles it enough to make it feel good.
It’s about all the trust and pride that goes with it.
This explains a little bit how so many husbands don’t feel jealous, but still feet super possessive of their relationships with their wife. People who jump right to jealousy without ever once trying to understand what jealousy means are missing something. And they’re not going to understand compersion, for sure!
Don’t mistake a lack of jealousy for the absence of care, love, and deep attachment. You can be very sharing and also very careful about your relationship.
Knowing that your wife turns on other guys can be incredibly arousing! But knowing she’s yours for life is priceless!
There were so many “feelings” to keep track of! Emotionally, I was excited, scared, nervous, horny, giddy…
I was excited as this was something new that not every wife gets to experience. The guy was super sexy (still is actually), so I was excited to touch and be touched by him.
I was scared since this was so far out of what is socially acceptable and I wasn’t sure how it would affect my marriage. My husband seemed excited, but would it negatively affect the way he looked at me?
So nervous if I would do it “right”. I had only been with an ex-husband and my current husband. I was t sure what to expect with a new guy. No other man had touched me in this way in almost 15 years!
By the time we were on the way the guy’s place, I was SOOO horny! We were committed and my pussy was ready. My husband said he had never felt me so wet!
I was so giddy I couldn’t stop smiling the whole drive over. My husband’s reactions to my excitement made me so happy! My smile quickly changed to moans of pleasure once the guy got to work.
The physical feeling is hard to describe. Having a stranger’s hands and mouth touch me in such an intimate way was electrifying! And once his hard cock was between my legs, I had lost all inhibitions. He was lying on his back on the couch and I was straddling him cowgirl, with my tongue down his throat. I was completely unaware of my husband’s presence. I was sliding my super wet pussy along his shaft, no penatration yet. Then without thinking about it, my hips came up just a bit, and his cock slide in so easily! The sensation of having a new cock slide inside of me after 15 years of only enjoying my husband’s was overwhelming! I came almost immediately! My first playmate spent the next hour fucking me in multiple positions.
My husband reacted just as he expected to! He was so turned on to watch me enjoy a new cock. That’s all we talked about for the next couple weeks. He was a little disappointed with the way I became unaware of his presence for a bit. But he understood it was mostly out of my control. I did make an effort at future play dates to keep some focus on him.
My first time with a man outside of my marriage was as scary as it was erotic. I was lucky enough that my husband found a gentleman with an incredible vocabulary. He was polite and incredibly patient with me… I kept stalling to meet him in person. He was mischievously charming and at no time was he rude.
Our chats were short but he knew how to make my head spin. He knew how to speak to a woman… and he made me feel sexy without any crudeness. My anxieties were swept aside and replaced with anticipation. Where I was first apprehensive, I was now yearning. When the night finally arrived to give myself to him, I could hardly contain myself.
If you’re a man and have the privilege to meet a married woman for her first time, be that man that will forever live in her hall of fame. Take your time with her. Make her feel special and important. Be creative with your words and speak with her with respect. She’s already filled with anxiety and doubt, it’s your job to help her overcome it not add to it.
My first “lover” did this to me … it was magical … and scary! … and a hot rush! Totally recommend to anyone trying it for the first time. Hubby was very strong and confident to let me do this … not for the faint hearted!
Poll: How important is Hotwifing to your sex life?
Of 187 hotwifing couples who responded to an informal internet pill, the majority said this kink plays a role, but it isn’t a central part of their sex life.
Looking from the vantage point of a mostly monogamous couple, the extremes on the top and bottom sound sad. Those men who can’t get aroused without another man (3%) might want to look for a solution or alternative, unless their wives are okay living like that. The 11% of men and women who have a husband or wife that won’t even join in fantasy play—well, that’s pretty damned lonely for them too. The fact that they are taking this poll on a hotwifing discussion forum is enough to show you that they’re not getting rid of the interest.
That middle 37% and the fantasizing 15% are both pretty much in the sweet spot for this blog, as well as that 22% of couples that get really into it. Together, that’s 74%, a good solid block.
Lessons?
Well, first off, you can do or avoid hotwifing with whatever frequency you decide. Once a year or every week—it’s totally up to you as a couple. #reassurance
Second of all, a small minority of couples gets way deeper than I’d be comfortable with, and it sounds more like a polyamorous situation, or an obsessive guy that might need to get help. #boundaries
And thirdly, it’s sad when you’re one of those men or women who get so rejected that your partner won’t listen or play along to even the slightest degree of fantasy. I wonder if they’re set up for success as a couple. Total lack of #respect
I do a lot of chatting and conversing with both men and women who are trying to navigate the first steps of the Hotwife Lifestyle. Over the passed two years, I’ve noticed a larger jump in the number of women who are contacting us asking for advice. They are willing to “try” their man’s fantasy, but the way that “he” wants it to play out isn’t something they’re comfortable with, and yet they are afraid to voice their concerns or simply don’t know how. I received this message from a lovely lady who prefers to remain anonymous:
“My husband has been talking about the Hotwife Lifestyle for the last few years. He did all of the initial research, it totally turns him on and when he came to me with the idea I was shocked, but willing to listen to him. I decided that if it would make him happy, I would give it a try and I agreed. He almost jumped out of his seat he was so excited. Then he started to take over all the planning and telling me how it was going to happen, what was going to happen, etc. Basically, he says he’s going to meet the guy with me, he’s going to be in the room when it starts, and he’s going to get video and pictures. This doesn’t sound at all enjoyable to me and is actually scaring me shitless because I’m someone who needs some intimacy to get anything out of sex and this just sounds like he wants to make porn with me being the star in it. I don’t get to choose the guy, I have to be directed and taped, is this normal? Is this how being a Hotwife works? I know it seems to be how it works in a lot of the videos and stuff on Tumblr, but I hoped that it wasn’t this way for real. I tried to talk to him about maybe letting me do it on my own to get comfortable with things first and he said he’d consider it but that I HAD to get video and pictures during for him and he’d tell me the type of video and pictures I have to get. How do you even ask for that stuff, especially the first time you meet someone for sex? If you don’t mind, can you leave my name out of your post because I’m super embarrassed about this and I know he follows a lot of Hotwife Tumblrs.”
My first reaction…this poor woman. I can completely understand where she is coming from and I think there’s often a big disconnect between what this lifestyle means to men and women and how each derives pleasure from it. The above question isn’t always how these things work, but it happens often enough to cause problems and confusion, and to turn what could be an exhilarating sexual addition to a relationship into something ugly and scary. It usually goes something like this… Man has a fantasy and shares it with his wife. She’s shocked, but curious and decides that she wants to make him happy and will give it a try. Man gets SUPER excited and sets out to start “directing” his own version of the fantasy with her as the “leading lady”. This works beautifully in the porn industry, but the only problem is that she’s not an “actress”, she’s his wife or partner.
How do we as women, or would-be Hotwives, actually get our husbands or partners on board with the way that WE see things playing out? I’m going to give some advice here, but I’m going to start with a disclaimer: I understand these things aren’t always easy to do/say. I understand that sometimes husbands or male partners can be a bit more dominant when it comes to sexual fantasies and when they get something in their heads they want it to play out in a certain way. I understand it can be scary to speak up, but it’s something we as women HAVE to do if this lifestyle is going to work.
First, whether the Hotwife Lifestyle was your partner’s idea or not, the acting out of the lifestyle MUST be a joint effort. You and your partner are a team, and a team listens to each other and adjusts thoughts, feelings, and actions to make sure that in the end everything works. Imagine being tied together in a three-legged race. Each person knows they want to get to the finish line and that they are tied together, but they have different ideas on how to get there successfully, so when the buzzer goes off, they just start running…what’s going to happen? They’re either going to fall down, or someone is going to end up being dragged along, scraped up and if they make it to the finish line, one person (or both) are going to be hurt. Now imagine if those people had talked strategy and actually listened to each other’s perspectives on how best to run the race. Imagine that person A had an idea and person B had an idea and they somehow put together the best parts of both of those ideas and then when the buzzer went off they shot off the mark as a team that worked together? No one is being dragged, no one is falling down, and in the end, they cross the finish line smiling. This is how the Hotwife Lifestyle SHOULD be.
Ladies, remember that when our men have fantasies and look at things like porn or Tumblr to facilitate their desires before telling us about them, they aren’t seeing reality. This reminds me of a little video documentary I saw where high school aged boys who hadn’t had sex before were being asked about how they learned about sex and what they thought it was like to have sex. First, all but two of the boys interviewed said they learned about sex from internet porn. These boys, when asked, said that women’s orgasms where better than men’s because they did a lot more screaming and moaning and the harder that they had sex the more orgasms the women had. When asked, they all said that women had at least 2 or 3 orgasms every time they had sex. This is what boys are learning from porn…can you imagine when they start having sex what a shock it’s going to be, or how many girls/young ladies are going to end up having to “fake it” because their partners weren’t taught what it really takes to get a woman off? We can take a lesson from this when it comes to the Hotwife Lifestyle and realize that many of our husbands or partners have “learned” about the lifestyle through unrealistic means. We have to help bring them back to reality a little bit.
If you’re a woman who is into crazy, hot sex with strangers and your husband there directing and filming you, then more power to you! That’s probably a MUCH easier road to travel than if you are a woman who requires a little more intimacy and romance to “get there”. There’s nothing wrong with either type of woman, but I’m speaking to the more “romantic Hotwife” here, and how she can rein in her husband’s fantasy to a point that it can actually be comfortable or even enjoyable for her.
So, it’s time to have a talk with hubby… Before doing so, I would suggest you consider very seriously the things that you think would make you most comfortable and happy as a Hotwife and write them down. If hubby has it in his head that he’s going to be sitting in the corner watching you your first time out and that’s just not something you think is going to work for you, then write it down. If you want to choose your own partners, with hubby’s input of course, then write that down. If you think you need a little romance or intimacy, you envision a “date” rather than a “sex meet up”, then write that down. When you’re ready, come to hubby with your list and tell him that you’ve carefully considered his fantasy and read him the list of how you envision it playing out, then ask him to tell you how he envisions it playing out.
Now it’s time for compromise. There will be some things that you can compromise on and some things you simply can’t. Personally, a “no compromise” thing for me would be D choosing a guy and then directing the encounter while videoing it…that just wouldn’t work for me. So, I would prefer not to do it at all if that’s the only way that he wants it done. Some things I can compromise on…getting him video and pictures – it’s NOT as easy for women to do as guys think it is, because it will likely turn a possible “intimate” encounter into something more like porn or acting. With that said, there are ways to get video and still maintain some intimacy, like just setting up a static camera in the corner of the room, hitting play and forgetting about it. Negotiate with your date ahead of time on this aspect of things and that way you can go in and start the camera before you head to the bedroom. Once you get to the bedroom, the camera will be running, but you can mostly ignore it. I’ve done this for D as a compromise to the video and pictures aspect of things. It might not be the “in your face, first person perspective” video that men see on Tumblr, but it’s still better than nothing, right? And D has loved every video that I’ve gotten for him.
So, now you each have your lists of what you envision, you’ve discussed them with each other and listened to each other’s perspective on things, and if you can come to some good compromises, then the lifestyle is a “go”. If you can’t compromise, then it’s back to the drawing board until you can. Don’t be afraid to draw lines in the sand when you feel you have to…if there is something you just are NOT comfortable doing, then don’t compromise on that. Make sure your husband or partner knows you’re willing to work with him on his fantasy, but that it has to be right for YOU if you’re going to do it. This is your body and your brain and your heart we’re talking about here, and as much as you want to focus on your husband, there are times when you have to listen to your own feelings.
Here’s the kicker…there is always the possibility that after you’ve gotten a little more comfortable with being a Hotwife, certain lines in the sand that you’ve drawn may be able to be moved or erased completely. Maybe at some point you WILL be comfortable with him watching you. Maybe at some point you WILL be comfortable with him joining in. Maybe at some point you WILL be comfortable with letting him pick a man for you and have a crazy night complete with video, but that time isn’t now. Your husband needs to know this, and it will likely make him more agreeable to certain choices you feel are right for you if you say that there a possibility down the road that you may be willing to do more.
In the end, remember that, as I said before, this has to be a team effort if it’s going to work out, especially long term. It can’t be one person dragging the other across a line and feeling like they’ve won while the person being dragged is scraped up and hurt. If there is EVER a time to find your voice, this is it! If you do, the Hotwife Lifestyle can be an amazing addition to your lives. Good luck ladies! – S
Hotwife Facts and Fantasies 