I do a lot of chatting and conversing with both men and women who are trying to navigate the first steps of the Hotwife Lifestyle. Over the passed two years, I’ve noticed a larger jump in the number of women who are contacting us asking for advice. They are willing to “try” their man’s fantasy, but the way that “he” wants it to play out isn’t something they’re comfortable with, and yet they are afraid to voice their concerns or simply don’t know how. I received this message from a lovely lady who prefers to remain anonymous:
“My husband has been talking about the Hotwife Lifestyle for the last few years. He did all of the initial research, it totally turns him on and when he came to me with the idea I was shocked, but willing to listen to him. I decided that if it would make him happy, I would give it a try and I agreed. He almost jumped out of his seat he was so excited. Then he started to take over all the planning and telling me how it was going to happen, what was going to happen, etc. Basically, he says he’s going to meet the guy with me, he’s going to be in the room when it starts, and he’s going to get video and pictures. This doesn’t sound at all enjoyable to me and is actually scaring me shitless because I’m someone who needs some intimacy to get anything out of sex and this just sounds like he wants to make porn with me being the star in it. I don’t get to choose the guy, I have to be directed and taped, is this normal? Is this how being a Hotwife works? I know it seems to be how it works in a lot of the videos and stuff on Tumblr, but I hoped that it wasn’t this way for real. I tried to talk to him about maybe letting me do it on my own to get comfortable with things first and he said he’d consider it but that I HAD to get video and pictures during for him and he’d tell me the type of video and pictures I have to get. How do you even ask for that stuff, especially the first time you meet someone for sex? If you don’t mind, can you leave my name out of your post because I’m super embarrassed about this and I know he follows a lot of Hotwife Tumblrs.”
My first reaction…this poor woman. I can completely understand where she is coming from and I think there’s often a big disconnect between what this lifestyle means to men and women and how each derives pleasure from it. The above question isn’t always how these things work, but it happens often enough to cause problems and confusion, and to turn what could be an exhilarating sexual addition to a relationship into something ugly and scary. It usually goes something like this… Man has a fantasy and shares it with his wife. She’s shocked, but curious and decides that she wants to make him happy and will give it a try. Man gets SUPER excited and sets out to start “directing” his own version of the fantasy with her as the “leading lady”. This works beautifully in the porn industry, but the only problem is that she’s not an “actress”, she’s his wife or partner.
How do we as women, or would-be Hotwives, actually get our husbands or partners on board with the way that WE see things playing out? I’m going to give some advice here, but I’m going to start with a disclaimer: I understand these things aren’t always easy to do/say. I understand that sometimes husbands or male partners can be a bit more dominant when it comes to sexual fantasies and when they get something in their heads they want it to play out in a certain way. I understand it can be scary to speak up, but it’s something we as women HAVE to do if this lifestyle is going to work.
First, whether the Hotwife Lifestyle was your partner’s idea or not, the acting out of the lifestyle MUST be a joint effort. You and your partner are a team, and a team listens to each other and adjusts thoughts, feelings, and actions to make sure that in the end everything works. Imagine being tied together in a three-legged race. Each person knows they want to get to the finish line and that they are tied together, but they have different ideas on how to get there successfully, so when the buzzer goes off, they just start running…what’s going to happen? They’re either going to fall down, or someone is going to end up being dragged along, scraped up and if they make it to the finish line, one person (or both) are going to be hurt. Now imagine if those people had talked strategy and actually listened to each other’s perspectives on how best to run the race. Imagine that person A had an idea and person B had an idea and they somehow put together the best parts of both of those ideas and then when the buzzer went off they shot off the mark as a team that worked together? No one is being dragged, no one is falling down, and in the end, they cross the finish line smiling. This is how the Hotwife Lifestyle SHOULD be.
Ladies, remember that when our men have fantasies and look at things like porn or Tumblr to facilitate their desires before telling us about them, they aren’t seeing reality. This reminds me of a little video documentary I saw where high school aged boys who hadn’t had sex before were being asked about how they learned about sex and what they thought it was like to have sex. First, all but two of the boys interviewed said they learned about sex from internet porn. These boys, when asked, said that women’s orgasms where better than men’s because they did a lot more screaming and moaning and the harder that they had sex the more orgasms the women had. When asked, they all said that women had at least 2 or 3 orgasms every time they had sex. This is what boys are learning from porn…can you imagine when they start having sex what a shock it’s going to be, or how many girls/young ladies are going to end up having to “fake it” because their partners weren’t taught what it really takes to get a woman off? We can take a lesson from this when it comes to the Hotwife Lifestyle and realize that many of our husbands or partners have “learned” about the lifestyle through unrealistic means. We have to help bring them back to reality a little bit.
If you’re a woman who is into crazy, hot sex with strangers and your husband there directing and filming you, then more power to you! That’s probably a MUCH easier road to travel than if you are a woman who requires a little more intimacy and romance to “get there”. There’s nothing wrong with either type of woman, but I’m speaking to the more “romantic Hotwife” here, and how she can rein in her husband’s fantasy to a point that it can actually be comfortable or even enjoyable for her.
So, it’s time to have a talk with hubby… Before doing so, I would suggest you consider very seriously the things that you think would make you most comfortable and happy as a Hotwife and write them down. If hubby has it in his head that he’s going to be sitting in the corner watching you your first time out and that’s just not something you think is going to work for you, then write it down. If you want to choose your own partners, with hubby’s input of course, then write that down. If you think you need a little romance or intimacy, you envision a “date” rather than a “sex meet up”, then write that down. When you’re ready, come to hubby with your list and tell him that you’ve carefully considered his fantasy and read him the list of how you envision it playing out, then ask him to tell you how he envisions it playing out.
Now it’s time for compromise. There will be some things that you can compromise on and some things you simply can’t. Personally, a “no compromise” thing for me would be D choosing a guy and then directing the encounter while videoing it…that just wouldn’t work for me. So, I would prefer not to do it at all if that’s the only way that he wants it done. Some things I can compromise on…getting him video and pictures – it’s NOT as easy for women to do as guys think it is, because it will likely turn a possible “intimate” encounter into something more like porn or acting. With that said, there are ways to get video and still maintain some intimacy, like just setting up a static camera in the corner of the room, hitting play and forgetting about it. Negotiate with your date ahead of time on this aspect of things and that way you can go in and start the camera before you head to the bedroom. Once you get to the bedroom, the camera will be running, but you can mostly ignore it. I’ve done this for D as a compromise to the video and pictures aspect of things. It might not be the “in your face, first person perspective” video that men see on Tumblr, but it’s still better than nothing, right? And D has loved every video that I’ve gotten for him.
So, now you each have your lists of what you envision, you’ve discussed them with each other and listened to each other’s perspective on things, and if you can come to some good compromises, then the lifestyle is a “go”. If you can’t compromise, then it’s back to the drawing board until you can. Don’t be afraid to draw lines in the sand when you feel you have to…if there is something you just are NOT comfortable doing, then don’t compromise on that. Make sure your husband or partner knows you’re willing to work with him on his fantasy, but that it has to be right for YOU if you’re going to do it. This is your body and your brain and your heart we’re talking about here, and as much as you want to focus on your husband, there are times when you have to listen to your own feelings.
Here’s the kicker…there is always the possibility that after you’ve gotten a little more comfortable with being a Hotwife, certain lines in the sand that you’ve drawn may be able to be moved or erased completely. Maybe at some point you WILL be comfortable with him watching you. Maybe at some point you WILL be comfortable with him joining in. Maybe at some point you WILL be comfortable with letting him pick a man for you and have a crazy night complete with video, but that time isn’t now. Your husband needs to know this, and it will likely make him more agreeable to certain choices you feel are right for you if you say that there a possibility down the road that you may be willing to do more.
In the end, remember that, as I said before, this has to be a team effort if it’s going to work out, especially long term. It can’t be one person dragging the other across a line and feeling like they’ve won while the person being dragged is scraped up and hurt. If there is EVER a time to find your voice, this is it! If you do, the Hotwife Lifestyle can be an amazing addition to your lives. Good luck ladies! – S
In chatting with men and
fielding questions about the Hotwife Lifestyle, there are a lot of common
themes. A good majority of our followers
contact us to find out how to either bring up the idea to their wives or
partners, or how to get over certain rebuttals that their wives or partners
have made in order to not participate in the lifestyle. One of the biggest and most common themes is
the idea of “cheating” or “adultery”, either from a moral or religious
perspective. Man says he wants to share
his wife because it’s a huge turn on and fantasy, wife says “but that will make
me a cheater and cheating is wrong”.
Most of the time, that stops men in their tracks. They don’t know how explain their way out of that
issue.
“But if I’m the only one
sleeping with other people, I’ll be the cheater,” she’ll say. “And I don’t want you to sleep with other
people so you’ll be the ‘good’ one and I’ll be the one who’s forever done something
wrong.” (a common thing for a woman to think)
I do come from a
semi-religious background, and my family is pretty conservative. The idea of cheating was, well, very, very
bad. Then I got married…to a man who
ended up cheating on me numerous times. I
barely made it out of that marriage alive in many ways, at least emotionally,
and then D brings up the fact that he WANTS me to go out and do what, to me at
the time, was cheating. Well, this went
against all of my moral and minor religious beliefs. It was shocking that he had been cheated on
in his past, I had been cheated on, we both felt the immense pain of that, we
found each other and all was right with the world, and now, suddenly he wants
me to do the very thing that I left my ex husband for. It threw me for a loop mentally.
I’m by no means a
religious scholar, not a psychologist, but I am well read and I am fantastic at
research, so I started to look into the issue.
How did all of these couples, many of whom are actually “church going
people” or people with high moral standards that preclude the ideas of cheating
and adultery get into lifestyles like swinging, hotwifing, etc? There had to be some kind of answer, so I
started looking.
Adultery has many different
definitions, some deeply rooted in religious scripture and some that have
evolved over time. In “the old days” “Adultery”
was pretty cut and dry as “illicit sexual conduct of a married person or with a
married person” (at least that’s what the Greek classic writers had to
say). Over the years, the terms has
undergone some changes, and you can do your own research on it, but the most
common definition that I found was “sexual conduct outside of a marriage without
the knowledge of one’s spouse”. This is
where we bring in “cheating”, which is, by common definition, “an act of
dishonesty”. So, if we put these two
things together and truly look at them, we can surmise that a “Cheater” is
someone who goes behind their partner’s back for sexual or emotional gratification.
You do have to use a
little thought on this one, because definitions are never cut and dry, but
essentially a Hotwife cannot be a “cheater” because she is not doing something
dishonest behind her spouse’s back, rather she has expressed consent and urging
from her spouse to be with other men. Her
spouse or partner knows she is going on dates and consents, even urges, this to
happen. In a good majority of cases, the
Hotwife is actually “giving in” to something that was originally brought up by
her husband or partner, and whether she grows to like it or not, does not
change the fact that it was initiated by her husband and is done for her
husband. This is where we get into
honest and dishonest acts, and partners who are consenting to certain behaviors
and partners who do not consent to certain behaviors.
A Cheater would be
someone in a monogamous relationship who invited the gardener in for some hanky
panky while her husband was away at work, or someone who went to a motel with
that hot gym rat when she was supposed to be at Yoga class and kept it a secret. These things involve deception and there is
no “gain” to the spouse; they are selfish acts of infidelity. A Hotwife, on the other hand, has a spouse
who desires his wife or partner to flirt with that hot gym rat and get him to
take her home for some great sex so that he can get all of the details later in
order to become more sexually turned on or make the relationship “hotter”
and/or “better”.
The morality about
whether this is “right or wrong” is definitely a very personal thing. Some people simply cannot get passed the idea
that anything sexual outside of a marriage is wrong, or that any woman who
sleeps with another man, even if her husband or partner desires it, is taking
advantage of the man or committing an act that goes against a moral code. That’s absolutely fine, because this
lifestyle isn’t for everyone. But, it’s
important that people keep an open mind to the idea that everyone makes their
own definitions of what is right and wrong in a marriage or relationship, and
if both parties agree, then it’s their own “moral code”.
I will say that there
are some cases where coercion is involved and people, men and women, “give in”
to their spouse’s desires because they feel they have no other choice. This is unhealthy and is not condoned by anyone
who I know in the alternative sexual lifestyle community. Both parties have to be on board and at least
feel as though they are getting something of benefit out of the deal. D explained to me about a couple in his swinging
days where the husband would basically bring his wife to parties and “pimp her
out” and everyone knew that she was not enjoying herself – they eventually
split up. This situation would be wrong,
of course. As would a situation where a
woman decided to become a Hotwife because she felt as though if she didn’t she
would lose her man to something else – this *almost* happened to me when I was
married to my ex, back when I gave a damn whether I lost him or not. So, while this lifestyle isn’t for everyone,
it is wonderful for many couples and relationships. There are as many success stories as there
are failures, possibly more, and that’s about the same odds as any monogamous
relationship in this day and age.
So, when having that
talk about your fantasies with your wife or partner, remember to refer back to
the origin of the idea of Cheating and what it really means – it’s all about
consent and happiness for both parties.
The fantasy of having a “Hotwife” is growing, in fact, research
shows it is growing at a higher rate than a good majority of the other
lifestyle alternatives, including the old staple of “swinging” and the modern “open
relationship”. Why is it that a fantasy
that revolves around only one part of a relationship – the woman – going out
and finding pleasure from another man more intriguing to an increasing number of men than going
out and “getting some” for himself?
Basic psychology tells us that men are highly competitive
creatures. They have a drive to compete
with other males of the species for the best mate – this isn’t so much
different than what happens in the animal kingdom. Most men have an innate drive to compete with
other men when it comes to the “best mate” or the “most attractive woman”. With this being said, one of the reservations
of most women who find out about their husband or partner’s Hotwife fantasy is
that he is somehow “weaker” than the rest because he wants to give up his
position as your only partner. Is this
really true, though? Could the truth lie
somewhere within today’s man’s loss of natural competition in everyday life,
and a desire to maintain a level of competition after marriage or “monogamy”? Is this weakness, or rather the ultimate
confidence?
Cuckholding aside, because this aspect of the fantasy requires
a bit more in terms of a “woman led” relationship, and a bit more from the man
in terms of a desire for mental sadomasochism, a good majority of men enjoy the
idea that they have been able to “capture” the best mate and even when she’s
out having amazing physical and emotional experiences with men who may have qualities
that actually supersede their own – a better body, a larger cock, youth, more
prowess in bed – their woman actually WANTS to come back to them at the end of
the night. While most Hotwife-Husbands do
get some level of turn-on from the jealousy and the possibility that their Hotwife
may actually be enjoying their dates more than they enjoy being “at home”, the
overwhelming desire is the competition and the “win” in terms of having a wife
who chooses them again and again even after being allowed to go out and have
other men.
As Hotwives, we may be the focus of the fantasy, but there
is that deeper and more psychological desire of a man who, even after
committing to one woman, is able to compete with other males sexually. This is why the desire for “reclaiming” a
Hotwife after a date is so strong – it’s actually been scientifically proven
that men who are able to reclaim a partner after she has been with someone else
have an increase in testosterone levels, which means stronger desire, more
powerful erections, longer lasting erections, and an overall stronger sex
drive. So, what does this mean for us as
Hotwives?
He Enjoys the
Jealousy, Go with It
As women we’ve learned that inducing some jealousy can
actually be a good thing when it comes to dating – before we’ve found our “person”. We use our female prowess to keep the men who
we are seeing guessing…why? Because they
seem more interested in us when it seems as though we may not be 100%
there. So, if this works in the dating
world, why wouldn’t it work once we’re married?
In contrast, women typically don’t respond as well, or in the same way
to jealousy – we tend to worry, question, and sometimes shut down if we feel that
he might be “just not that into us”. Naturally,
because of our own feelings on the matter, we tend to avoid making our men
jealous once we’ve committed to them, because we, ourselves don’t want to feel
as though we’re in constant competition with other, more attractive, sexier,
younger, etc., women. Why would we do
something to the man that we love that we, ourselves, would hate?
For men, though, and especially those with Hotwife
fantasies, jealousy is a big component and tool for us to keep our men hot and
bothered. Sometimes just the mere
mention of being flirted with by that cute guy at our favorite restaurant, or
our interest in the sexy personal trainer at the gym is enough to send our men
into a sexual frenzy. It doesn’t take a
lot to feed the fantasy. It’s not ALL
about dates and recounting how well we got worked over in the bedroom (and how
much we loved it), though that is the ultimate turn on for our men, it’s also about
the little things – the mention of our interest in someone else, the sexy
messages that we send to potential lovers or Bulls, the “tease” of how much we
loved what our last Bull did for us and how much we’re looking forward to doing
it again. Remember, this ignites the “competition”
element of things, which is natural for men.
The More You Enjoy
it, the More He Enjoys it
You may be thinking, “But I’m doing it for him, I’m not
doing it for myself” (a common theme by A LOT of Hotwives), but in reality, our
men WANT us to enjoy our encounters.
They want to hear about what this “other guy” did for or to is that sent
us over the edge, and yes, they want to hear what we liked better about the “other
guy”. I know it seems crazy, because we
don’t want to imagine our men, even if we did allow them to be with other women,
thinking that their “others” were better, sexier, hotter or had something that
we don’t. That’s because we don’t have
that “competition drive” like our men do.
Let’s face it, despite what our men tell us – “It’s all
about your pleasure” or “I don’t get anything out of it unless you’re enjoying
it, because I love you so much” – this isn’t some ultimate “unselfish” thing our
men are doing for us. These things come
out of their mouths, but what they are really saying is “I want to know that
you came three times while he was fucking you, and you STILL want to come home
to me”. It’s their kink, and we have to
understand it.
So, if you’ve actually taken the step into the world of
Hotwifing, you’re going to have to learn how to properly tease your man into
believing that, just maybe, your Bull was better than him in some ways. Whenever you think “But I’m only doing it for
him”, follow that us with “I’m doing it for him and he WANTS to know that I absolutely
enjoyed it”. Find some aspect of your
encounter that was mind-blowing, and recount, in great detail exactly what it
was that sent you over the edge. This
may require a little bit of embellishment, and that’s OKAY…trust me…embellishment
is your friend in this situation. Tell your
man about your Bull’s amazing cock, how good if felt, how good he tasted, how
fantastic he was at oral sex, etc. These
are the things that will ramp up that competition streak in your man and make
him want to reclaim you with increased vigor and desire.
The More You Want
Someone Else, The More Your Man Wants You
Again, you’re playing on the competition and the teasing
aspect of things here… The more that you
act as if you WANT to be a Hotwife, the more that your husband or partner is
going to WANT you. His desire for you is
going to skyrocket, his sexual desire for you is going to make it so that he’s
ready to chew his own leg off to get you back in bed. I have experienced this firsthand many times…if
I am completely honest about an “encounter” and admit to “D” that my Bull was
lacking in some way, or I didn’t quite “get there”, he isn’t nearly as turned
on as when I tell him about how amazing things were. I don’t like or believe in lying, but I do
advocate for being selective and stretching the truth…maybe your lover wasn’t
the best at giving oral sex, but maybe he was an amazing kisser, so a good
answer would be “he was amazing with his mouth” and leave the rest up for interpretation.
We’re women. We are
strong and capable and we are smart. And
the truth is, this is a GAME we are playing for and with our husbands/partners,
so we need to get our heads into the game.
Furthermore, this is an intellectual game, and we need to use our intellects
to get to where we want to be. Where do
we want to be? We want to have a husband/partner
who is absolutely drooling over us, believes we are the ultimate sexual
goddess, and in is jealous enough to realize that in order to “compete” they
will need to step up their own game in order to “keep” us satisfied – be that
with amazing sex, extra romance, other rewards, or all of the above.
Hotwife Facts and Fantasies 