Thank you for your kind words about our blog. I do try my best to present both sides of things as I have seen them personally throughout my own journey as a Hotwife. I think anyone going into something this serious should know all that is good and all that is not so good – the potentials for excitement and erotic connection as well as the potentials for issues and problems.
To answer the first part of your question, D and I have a pretty traditional “Hotwife Relationship”. He is not a Cuckold, our relationship is not “female led”, this is more his fantasy than it is my own, etc. The way I choose to participate in the Hotwife lifestyle, or rather to make it work for me is what you touched upon with the idea of the “romantic Hotwife”, a term that I came up with for myself, but have found that many Hotwives also share an affinity for.
Traditionally, I would say that the majority of Hotwife relationships employ what is known as a “Bull”, an experienced male who understands the situation and lifestyle, knows his role and is there to give the woman the best “sex” that he can give to her and then bow out of the door gracefully until he is called upon again…or not. That’s typically where it stops. Women who prefer this type of situation will typically meet a bull once or twice, will meet them specifically for sex without something like dinner and conversation, and they are there for the physical almost 100%.
Where the “Romantic Hotwife” differs is that she typically requires that “romance” or “chemistry” with her lover – something that relates them on a level beyond sex. For instance, I can’t get turned on enough to even have sex unless I feel as though the person who I am sleeping with cares about me on some level beyond the physical. That means someone who is willing to take the time to have some good conversation, learn a little bit about me, doesn’t lead with the sexual (like, no introduction messages with dick pics and “I want to fuck you so hard”) – the opposite of that just doesn’t turn me on AT ALL. So, in my case, I need a guy who is willing to put in the time to be kind to me, show me that he’s interested in more than just using me as a sex toy, is willing and wants to romance and seduce me a little bit, etc. This also leads to more “long term” lovers instead of a lot of shorter term hook-ups. Once I feel comfortable with one guy, I would rather stick to that than go looking for something else.
A little background on me – before I got married the first time I had only had 4 boyfriends in my life. Even with D, before becoming a Hotwife, I had only slept with I believe 4 men. I was always the girl who was taught to “wait” until she knew that a guy cared about her before having sex, and I guess that just shaped who I am and it’s something that I’m comfortable with. I’ve never had a one night stand, never gotten drunk at a party and slept with a guy, and I guess you could say I’m pretty conservative in that regard, so when the Hotwife idea came up, I had to figure out a way I could still feel good about holding on to some of my own feelings and notions while still making it work for D – thus the “romantic Hotwife”.
Some Hotwife couples prefer the “Bull” encounters, because they do tend to be less dangerous to the relationship – no intimacy is built in most cases, it’s just sex and everyone knows their part in that. While D is fully aware of all of my boyfriends, sees all of our conversations, and in many cases speaks with them, he understands that I can’t get things “working down there” without some aspect of romance, care or seduction. Neither way is right or wrong, they are just different and mostly depend upon the woman’s preference and what she is comfortable with.
It also depends on the husband, as well… D actually enjoys this arrangement because there IS a little more danger and jealousy in it. I’m not just reporting back to him about an hour of sex as soon as a guy walked in the door, I’m telling him about an actual date that was romantic and nice. Some husbands, though, prefer for their wives to not keep contact with the same man for too long – understandably – and in those cases, it’s really a negotiation between husband and wife about what the wife is able to “handle” and what the husband is able to “handle” and they usually meet somewhere in the middle.
When I find a lover, I typically see them for one to two months, sometimes more. Within that time, there can be meetings once or twice a week to only meeting once or twice a month – it all depends on our schedules and how things work out. With my current lover, we see each other, on average, ever couple of weeks. A date typically consists of dinner, maybe a trip to the local hot springs (did that last week), or just coming over to listen to music and have some good conversation before jumping into bed. He’s been really great about that and he enjoys that himself – he’s also not one to get as much out of things without some kind of emotional investment.
When I choose to cut things off is always different, but the thing that remains the same is that it’s pretty evident when it has to happen. Either the person is developing feelings, is becoming more demanding of my time, in one instance, D started to not like the guy and so I broke it off, etc. It’s never an easy thing to do, especially when you have come to know someone a little bit. I’ve never developed feelings for a lover beyond the “situation” or caring for them as a friend, but I have had lovers develop feelings for me, and it is a difficult situation. I would say that in most cases a couple of months seeing someone once a week or once every couple of weeks is probably a good number to stick with in terms of overall length of relationship, though some can last much longer if everyone understands the situation and is comfortable with it.
In all of the talking I have done with other Hotwives, I would say that slightly more than half of them prefer things the “romantic” way. That’s because women are typically turned on first in their brains and second in their bodies. A lot of women tend to feel more “used” or “degraded” when they just meet a stranger for a random hook-up and then move on to another stranger. I have had a TON of messages by women asking how I manage to do this without feeling “used” or how I get turned on by other men when really the person I’m most turned on by is my partner – the answer is more intimacy in a lover. Some women, though, enjoy a fully sexual situation where they find a guy who is well built and well hung and they can just meet up for that raw sexual contact. It all depends on the couple, and especially on the woman.
Hope that helped to clear some things up for you….
– S
Creating a #romantic hotwife tag in response to this great explanation!
And your husband loves that your playdate loves your ass, and he loves how much you love the awesome things they both say about you. It’s just a big, confusing circle of people loving stuff!
From a reader (wife) who wants to stay anonymous:
It’s strange to write things like this down, but it’s something that I have been thinking about.
I’ve only kissed or tasted one man since I started dating my future husband, some 20 years ago. I haven’t been caressed or kissed by anyone since then. Even before I met my husband, I didn’t really have a lot of experience. I was naïve, and all I knew was that I was supposed to meet the right guy and marry him. Which I did, and I have never regretted that once in my life! I’d do it all over again.
I’m also not ashamed that I’ve been so faithful and loyal to my husband, since that’s all we knew about for most of our life. If I’d have cheated, it would have been a massive betrayal, and I would have regretted it. So I’m proud of how faithful I have been, and I love that I’ve never once given my husband a reason to doubt my loyalty.
But if I’m being honest, way down deep I have gotten curious about what another man would be like. Mainly things like kissing, hugging, holding close, but also much more explicit things too. I’m surprised at myself! But I feel free to imagine things a lot more lately.
My husband and I have been talking about some of his fantasies. I’ll admit, I was shocked at him at first, because I thought he’d be the last man to ever think about something like this. After I told him I didn’t like talking about this kind of thing (honestly, I was very uncomfortable), the truth is that it got in my head. It’s kind of like a song that’s too catchy, and so you have to whistle it or hum it all day. I just hadn’t known that there were other ideas out there.
I’m not at a point where I’m ready to start meeting guys to date, even though my husband says he’d be okay with that. I still have things to think about. But I definitely know I’m looking at men a whole lot differently these days.
What I found more surprising is that I’m looking at myself differently too. I haven’t lost anything, and I’m still the same loving wife and mom. What has happened is that I’ve got a whole different sense of how attractive I might be, or something like that. Hard to explain it exactly. My husband says he’s noticed “something different”, and we are having more (and I think better) sex than we have in years. Thanks, other guys! Lol.
This is all pretty new to me, and I’m still thinking it over. But I know that I definitely have some curiousity about what I might like to do. It’s not a threat to my husband, and it’s making a good thing even better.
I think I’m going to to try something I never tried, which is flirting. I never learned how, even when I was younger. I’m also paying more attention to what I find attractive in men. I’m honestly…just more horny lately. One day I came pretty close to downloading Tinder to see what it was like, but I chickened out. I think I want my husband to be there if I do that, and I’m still too chicken to bring it up. It’s hard enough to admit it anonymously, but it’s also liberating and sort of sexy.
I’m still the same loyal wifey, but I’m having some fun with my husband’s crazy idea. I’m also glad to see that we’re not alone. Is it just me, or does everyone else who’s 40 years old start doing things like this? I guess I just notice it more now that I’m looking into it.
Big questions I have about actually doing something like this are mostly about safety. I think I want to make sure I would only see a guy who has been tested. I’d want to be someplace safe and secret. I think I’d like to do it out of town, and have a real date. I like the idea of dinner and the whole works. These are some of the things I have questions about. But even the questions are sexy, which is something my husband pointed out.
My first time with a man outside of my marriage was as scary as it was erotic. I was lucky enough that my husband found a gentleman with an incredible vocabulary. He was polite and incredibly patient with me… I kept stalling to meet him in person. He was mischievously charming and at no time was he rude.
Our chats were short but he knew how to make my head spin. He knew how to speak to a woman… and he made me feel sexy without any crudeness. My anxieties were swept aside and replaced with anticipation. Where I was first apprehensive, I was now yearning. When the night finally arrived to give myself to him, I could hardly contain myself.
If you’re a man and have the privilege to meet a married woman for her first time, be that man that will forever live in her hall of fame. Take your time with her. Make her feel special and important. Be creative with your words and speak with her with respect. She’s already filled with anxiety and doubt, it’s your job to help her overcome it not add to it.
My first “lover” did this to me … it was magical … and scary! … and a hot rush! Totally recommend to anyone trying it for the first time. Hubby was very strong and confident to let me do this … not for the faint hearted!
Suddenly, it creates a whole lot less urgency when your man goes out of town on business. Don’t worry, your husband is going to urgently reclaim you as soon as he gets home.
This is a great question, and I’m sure one that a lot of Hotwives can relate to (whether they want to admit it or not). I see this question as a good example of how the “fantasy” is sometimes greater than the “reality” when it comes to certain things. In “fantasy land”, what woman wouldn’t want to be seduced and have sex with an attractive man who has a killer body and is good in bed with zero guilt? It seems simple, right? Unfortunately, it’s not always that simple, because there is this little thing called “the brain” that gets in the way, especially for women.
Women have sexual fantasies…of course we do! We fantasize about sexy men with cut bodies and a penchant for romantic conversation. We fantasize about those “bad boy” rocker types who we imagine would just take us “backstage” and give us the sexual time of our lives. We fantasize about things we’ve seen, sexy situations, and even passed lovers. The thing about “fantasies” is that our brains choose only the good parts of things and leave out all of the niggling little realities, like anxiety, worry, fear, being uncomfortable, etc.
In our fantasies we aren’t thinking about things like “geez, this guy kisses weird”, “why does he make those noises”, “the sound of his voice when he says my name makes me feel weird”. What’s more, for many of us who are so completely into our husbands or partners, we tend to be unable to stop drawing comparisons throughout an encounter – both comparisons that favor our partners and ones that might not favor them (and then we feel guilty for it later).
All of this “thinking” that we do while we’re on a date is what I like to call an “orgasm killer”. If my brain is working too much and I’m not focused on the pleasure or the person that I’m with, it’s just not going to happen, no matter how sexy he is, how good that he is in bed, how well he uses his tongue or how nice his cock is. If a thought comes through my head like “wow, John knows just the right way to touch me, I wish D touched me that way”…instant guilt and the orgasm meter goes from moderate to zero. Conversely, if a thought comes through my head like “I miss the way that D smells, John doesn’t smell like D”…instant longing for “my man” and the orgasm meter goes to zero again.
Half the time these “thoughts” are so fast and powerful that we don’t even realize they’re coming until we’re buried, sort of like an avalanche. If there was a way to hit “pause” on the brain and just focus on the body, I’m sure things would work a whole lot better. Some women have found this pause button, and bless them for it! I…have not. Men, it seems, are much better able to do this than women, as well. D likes to say that he’s just able to separate “sex and emotion” and I’m not. One of the reasons why if I’m going to get any pleasure at all from an encounter, it has to be with a guy who I have some romantic chemistry with – someone who can override those thoughts in my head a little bit.
I’m going to be candid here… No, I don’t always have orgasms on dates. Sometimes I’m so far for having an orgasm it’s like the orgasm is in London and I’m standing on the beach in San Diego. I know it’s not going to happen…usually, I fake it in those situations, because who wants to make a guy who’s trying hard to please you feel bad? I guess I’m just a pleaser at heart. I have had orgasms before, and that’s been with the guys who take their time and really romance/seduce me before hand.
I can absolutely related to you feeling like you need to lie to your husband about having orgasms on your dates. D tells me he doesn’t want me to lie, but I know damn well that he gets a hell of a lot more out of things and is WAY more turned on if I DO have an orgasm on a date, so, what’s a girl to do? Have I lied to D about having orgasms with my dates? Yes (sorry, baby, but it’s true). It takes so much for me to get myself out, prepared and follow through with a date, and I’m doing it to turn D on and get him to that place where he gives me all the things that a partner who is absolutely ready to chew his leg off to be with you gives you that it’s a major let down for both of us if I’m just not able to get there. Not to mention the feeling that I’m somehow “broken”, because it seems like all these other Hotwives are able to have ten orgasms per date and I’m sometimes not able to have one. So, yeah…you’re not alone in feeling the need to bend the truth a little bit in this area.
Do I like the sex or wish I was with D? Well, honestly, every time I go out I would rather be with D, that’s just the truth. He’s the man I chose, the one I love, the one who I feel the best and most confident with, etc. I would choose having sex with him ten times over having sex with someone else. This is also where men and women are different – you may have noticed one of my earlier articles where most men admit that at some point if given the opportunity and consent they would like to have sex with someone else. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t feel this way. If I got to a point that I would rather have sex with someone else rather than D, I would probably think that was a sign to myself that maybe the relationship was in trouble.
Do I enjoy the sex on my dates? Sure. I enjoy the entire experience on some levels. Unless the guy is a total jerk it’s nice to get that extra attention and be with someone who is really turned on by you, trying to please you, barely lets you close the door before he has his arms around you and is kissing you, going above and beyond, etc. This is something that tends to get lost a little bit in a long term relationship and it’s there in something new and fresh, so that’s definitely enticing.
My advice is this: You have to try as best you can to quiet your brain (alcohol helps a little bit) and just be in the moment on a date. You have to kind of “put away” your husband and your relationship and just pretend that you’re a girl standing in front of a boy who is really hot and really wants to be with you. Forget about all the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” and just focus on what you’re doing. It’s easier said than done, but it can happen given the right preparation and mental control. Also, don’t feel bad about lying to your husband about your orgasms, but remember, if you come home from every date and tell him “Baby, I came SO HARD” he’s probably going to want you to have more and more dates…if you’re good with that, then by all means do it, but otherwise, use a mid-level approach. Tell him about the good parts of the date, the things that did turn you on, how sexy the guy was, how nice it was when he touched you, and then when it comes to the orgasm topic, just sort of gloss over it as best you can. 🙂 I don’t advocate lying, but in this circumstance, it’s sometimes hard not to.
Hotwife Facts and Fantasies 