ARE BULLS OR BOYFRIENDS BEING TRAUMATIZED BY HOTWIVES?
An interesting question and one I will do my best to answer thoughtfully…
When you enter into any situation, lifestyle or otherwise, there is the possibility for someone to get hurt. Take dating, for example. You meet a nice guy, go out on a few dates, sleep together, one person becomes attached while the other person doesn’t – is dating causing trauma? No, because there were no promises made in the dating situation, only a “lets hang out, get to know each other and see if this works”…if it doesn’t then we part ways.
This is the same in a Bull situation for a Hotwife, and actually much more up front in terms of expectations being laid out. In my situation, and most that I know of with other Hotwife relationships, the “third”, “Bull”, “lover, etc, knows from the very beginning what they are getting into. In fact, most people meet online, and most online profiles that are looking for a “Bull” clearly state exactly what is desired or expected – as do any of the profiles that I have had past or present. In fact, every profile I have ever had on any site clearly states I am part of a “couple” and D has full access to the profile (as he has full access to this Tumblr account) so he can read messages, respond to messages, etc. I never “go out looking”, I have plenty of people who respond to my profiles and I simply choose from there the ones I have chemistry with and D is comfortable with. D is fully able and welcome (and often does) speak with men prior to me meeting them and sometimes if he gets a bad vibe then we decide against that person. It’s a team effort. In a lot of Hotwife situations, the husband actually meets the Bull or Boyfriend either prior to the wife meeting him or with the wife for the first time.
All “Bulls” know the game. Most “Boyfriends” know the game. Contrary to what many people believe, there are a lot of men out there who either have lives too busy to have a relationship, who enjoy their single life, etc., who enjoy having sex occasionally (or more than occasionally), and these are typically the men who respond to profiles for “couples” or “Hotwives”. Experienced Bulls get their sexual pleasure from playing that “role”…this entices them and they enjoy it. In many situations, the “Bulls” are actually married as well and are in open relationships or swinger type relationships. It’s all out in the open from the beginning. I, personally, have a NO CHEATERS rule, and I am very good at sniffing out the men who are attempting to cheat on their wives by being a “Bull”. In one situation, I actually corresponded with the wife of a man I saw for a month or two so that I could be sure that she was okay with the situation – she was and she was also engaging in sex outside the marriage.
Is it traumatic to sleep with someone who knows from the get go that they are with a woman who is attached, NOT cheating behind her husband’s back, and is looking for a “no strings attached” arrangement and has actually spoken at length to both the woman and her partner about the situation, the lifestyle, the expectations, etc.? I don’t necessarily think that it is…and if any trauma occurs, I don’t feel that there is blame to be put on the couple. In my situation, and most that I have spoken to who engage in the lifestyle, there are weeks if not a month or more of negotiation, explaining of expectations, getting to know someone – both Hotwife and her husband, before any dates are made. These men know exactly what they are stepping into when they get into this situation.
Of course people can develop feelings, although it is a lot less common than you might think, this is one of the dangers of the Hotwife Lifestyle (both for the Hotwife, the Husband and the Bull), and something I have written at length about in many articles – ways to make this less likely, ways to keep this from happening, etc. There are safeguards in place to make sure that every step of the way the Bull or Boyfriend knows exactly what type of situation they are entering into and continuing with. Everyone is just there to “have fun”, these “thirds” are not looking for long term relationships or else they would not have responded to an ad for a “couple”.
I have known swingers (a lifestyle you seem to be much more okay with) who where one person has fallen for another part of a couple. I know monogamous people who have fallen for people outside of their marriage. These things happen, sadly, and while it’s sad it’s not a reason to suggest that a lifestyle is abusive or bad.
It seems as though we simply have different views on this subject matter and that there is no remedy for that. I answered this question because I felt that it was helpful for readers who are getting into the lifestyle or who are in the lifestyle and looking for the right “third”.
In chatting with men and
fielding questions about the Hotwife Lifestyle, there are a lot of common
themes. A good majority of our followers
contact us to find out how to either bring up the idea to their wives or
partners, or how to get over certain rebuttals that their wives or partners
have made in order to not participate in the lifestyle. One of the biggest and most common themes is
the idea of “cheating” or “adultery”, either from a moral or religious
perspective. Man says he wants to share
his wife because it’s a huge turn on and fantasy, wife says “but that will make
me a cheater and cheating is wrong”.
Most of the time, that stops men in their tracks. They don’t know how explain their way out of that
issue.
“But if I’m the only one
sleeping with other people, I’ll be the cheater,” she’ll say. “And I don’t want you to sleep with other
people so you’ll be the ‘good’ one and I’ll be the one who’s forever done something
wrong.” (a common thing for a woman to think)
I do come from a
semi-religious background, and my family is pretty conservative. The idea of cheating was, well, very, very
bad. Then I got married…to a man who
ended up cheating on me numerous times. I
barely made it out of that marriage alive in many ways, at least emotionally,
and then D brings up the fact that he WANTS me to go out and do what, to me at
the time, was cheating. Well, this went
against all of my moral and minor religious beliefs. It was shocking that he had been cheated on
in his past, I had been cheated on, we both felt the immense pain of that, we
found each other and all was right with the world, and now, suddenly he wants
me to do the very thing that I left my ex husband for. It threw me for a loop mentally.
I’m by no means a
religious scholar, not a psychologist, but I am well read and I am fantastic at
research, so I started to look into the issue.
How did all of these couples, many of whom are actually “church going
people” or people with high moral standards that preclude the ideas of cheating
and adultery get into lifestyles like swinging, hotwifing, etc? There had to be some kind of answer, so I
started looking.
Adultery has many different
definitions, some deeply rooted in religious scripture and some that have
evolved over time. In “the old days” “Adultery”
was pretty cut and dry as “illicit sexual conduct of a married person or with a
married person” (at least that’s what the Greek classic writers had to
say). Over the years, the terms has
undergone some changes, and you can do your own research on it, but the most
common definition that I found was “sexual conduct outside of a marriage without
the knowledge of one’s spouse”. This is
where we bring in “cheating”, which is, by common definition, “an act of
dishonesty”. So, if we put these two
things together and truly look at them, we can surmise that a “Cheater” is
someone who goes behind their partner’s back for sexual or emotional gratification.
You do have to use a
little thought on this one, because definitions are never cut and dry, but
essentially a Hotwife cannot be a “cheater” because she is not doing something
dishonest behind her spouse’s back, rather she has expressed consent and urging
from her spouse to be with other men. Her
spouse or partner knows she is going on dates and consents, even urges, this to
happen. In a good majority of cases, the
Hotwife is actually “giving in” to something that was originally brought up by
her husband or partner, and whether she grows to like it or not, does not
change the fact that it was initiated by her husband and is done for her
husband. This is where we get into
honest and dishonest acts, and partners who are consenting to certain behaviors
and partners who do not consent to certain behaviors.
A Cheater would be
someone in a monogamous relationship who invited the gardener in for some hanky
panky while her husband was away at work, or someone who went to a motel with
that hot gym rat when she was supposed to be at Yoga class and kept it a secret. These things involve deception and there is
no “gain” to the spouse; they are selfish acts of infidelity. A Hotwife, on the other hand, has a spouse
who desires his wife or partner to flirt with that hot gym rat and get him to
take her home for some great sex so that he can get all of the details later in
order to become more sexually turned on or make the relationship “hotter”
and/or “better”.
The morality about
whether this is “right or wrong” is definitely a very personal thing. Some people simply cannot get passed the idea
that anything sexual outside of a marriage is wrong, or that any woman who
sleeps with another man, even if her husband or partner desires it, is taking
advantage of the man or committing an act that goes against a moral code. That’s absolutely fine, because this
lifestyle isn’t for everyone. But, it’s
important that people keep an open mind to the idea that everyone makes their
own definitions of what is right and wrong in a marriage or relationship, and
if both parties agree, then it’s their own “moral code”.
I will say that there
are some cases where coercion is involved and people, men and women, “give in”
to their spouse’s desires because they feel they have no other choice. This is unhealthy and is not condoned by anyone
who I know in the alternative sexual lifestyle community. Both parties have to be on board and at least
feel as though they are getting something of benefit out of the deal. D explained to me about a couple in his swinging
days where the husband would basically bring his wife to parties and “pimp her
out” and everyone knew that she was not enjoying herself – they eventually
split up. This situation would be wrong,
of course. As would a situation where a
woman decided to become a Hotwife because she felt as though if she didn’t she
would lose her man to something else – this *almost* happened to me when I was
married to my ex, back when I gave a damn whether I lost him or not. So, while this lifestyle isn’t for everyone,
it is wonderful for many couples and relationships. There are as many success stories as there
are failures, possibly more, and that’s about the same odds as any monogamous
relationship in this day and age.
So, when having that
talk about your fantasies with your wife or partner, remember to refer back to
the origin of the idea of Cheating and what it really means – it’s all about
consent and happiness for both parties.
Good Morning Lifestylers…and wannabe lifestylers. Welcome back to another day of showing off some real hotwives doing their thing…..and people asking questions about this awesome lifestyle. Today I’m gonna touch on being Let Down.
For many of us…this can mean multiple things and it’s no different in this lifestyle either. For example…let’s say we ladies start searching for Bulls on a site online. We seem to hit it off really well with one. Stag approves and gives the green light. And you start the “I’ll be fucking you” dance with the new Bull online. You may have even met him at some point but your dialogue is practically all in messaging or online chats.
You like him so much that you are ready to set up the playdate. And the moment that you mention the subject of meeting to play….POOF…he disappears! You’re left wondering What the fuck just happened.
Yep. This happens all too frequently. It’s a major let down and I have a couple of possible explanations for it. 1. The man you are chatting with..isn’t really a part of the lifestyle and he just talked a good game but in reality…he is scared to death to take it to the next level and actually play.
I’ve had this happen a number of times and it irritates the shit out of me. 2. Some of these men are literally cheating on their wives at home. This subject may not be a big deal to some Hotwives but I have a huge problem with this. And if the Bulls havent figured this part about me yet……I Do Not Play With Married Men! Unless the wife is involved and playing too. Hotwifing isn’t about cheating. On the contrary…it is about being brutally honest with each other to the point that nothing is impossible to discuss and experience with each other. Cheating men who want to just get free pussy behind their wives backs….are deceptive and assholes.
Some of these assholes succeed in their game and some are just seeking an outlet. Many of the ones seeking an outlet bail at the last minute for fear of guilt. And they kept you in the dark about their true motive and their marital situation. This isn’t fair to themselves, their wife and especially not the Hotwife.
So…being let down is unfortunately part of the game. You will experience Bulls who really aren’t Bulls at all. Many of them say that they are…but have no idea how this works. They are fascinated with the idea but treat it like they would any single lady that they prey on. That doesn’t work on me. I have safeguards and you all should too. This is why your Stag should be fully involved in the vetting process and weed out the dumbasses. But even then…you will be let down by some of these guys. It will happen!
I can also tell you Bulls that you too…will be let down by some of the Hotwives. You have to remember that Hotwives have a slew of men to choose from. You may not hit her every button and she may just let you go. Dont take that personally. It’s too easy to be offended by that. But you shouldn’t! She has a specific thing she is looking for and you may not fit all of her criteria. Its typical. Get used to that…wish her good luck and move along to the next Hotwife.
I have had to Let down a few Bulls before and I’m sure I’ll be doing it again. Some things just have to be perfect for me or it just isn’t worth it to me. We can still be friends but I may not be keen on you continuously reaching out in order to play. At that point…I just ignore you.
Long story short….you all will be let down in this lifestyle occasionally but dont let it discourage your search. Because once you find the ones you like…its all worth it.
This will be a weekly posting just for Hotwives, Stags, Bulls, and Swingers. Every Tuesday I will focus on your questions, comments, and statements of the Hotwife lifestyle. Feel free to direct all questions today through the submit feature of my Blog! Thank you and Happy Hotwifing! 💋 ~LillybGoddess
Follow my other blog @hotwifelifestyle101 for all archived questions and episodes. Also all things Hotwives!
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