We’re sharing an excellent overview article by Brenna at Front Porch Swingers. Here, she details how friendships, professional relationships, and sexual satisfaction (of course) have been positively impacted by opening up her marriage.
Her big takeaways from her own experiences fall under three big headers;
Lifestyle Ladies Tend to Treat Other Females Differently—Women in free and open lifestyle relationships are very often kinder, more complimentary and supportive of other women.
Lifestyle LadiesTell Others What They Want—Women who play around with others gain confidence in the bedroom, which leads to confidence in the workplace and everywhere else!
Lifestyle LadiesCan Speak Honestly with Others About Sex—Women who are free to openly share ideas with their female friends have a leg up on gaining satisfaction and confidence.
Between the main headers you’ll find some great thoughts and experiences that might make you smile. And it’s a short read—it’s worth your time!
Self Magazine recently published an overview of factors that weigh into whether a couple might benefit from an open relationship (and three factors that would make it a bad idea).
It’s a very level-headed discussion. Hopefully it’s a good indication of how society is opening up to common sense in a very important area. So many problems can be avoided if we’re honest with ourselves about who we are as individuals!
Thank you for your kind words about our blog. I do try my best to present both sides of things as I have seen them personally throughout my own journey as a Hotwife. I think anyone going into something this serious should know all that is good and all that is not so good – the potentials for excitement and erotic connection as well as the potentials for issues and problems.
To answer the first part of your question, D and I have a pretty traditional “Hotwife Relationship”. He is not a Cuckold, our relationship is not “female led”, this is more his fantasy than it is my own, etc. The way I choose to participate in the Hotwife lifestyle, or rather to make it work for me is what you touched upon with the idea of the “romantic Hotwife”, a term that I came up with for myself, but have found that many Hotwives also share an affinity for.
Traditionally, I would say that the majority of Hotwife relationships employ what is known as a “Bull”, an experienced male who understands the situation and lifestyle, knows his role and is there to give the woman the best “sex” that he can give to her and then bow out of the door gracefully until he is called upon again…or not. That’s typically where it stops. Women who prefer this type of situation will typically meet a bull once or twice, will meet them specifically for sex without something like dinner and conversation, and they are there for the physical almost 100%.
Where the “Romantic Hotwife” differs is that she typically requires that “romance” or “chemistry” with her lover – something that relates them on a level beyond sex. For instance, I can’t get turned on enough to even have sex unless I feel as though the person who I am sleeping with cares about me on some level beyond the physical. That means someone who is willing to take the time to have some good conversation, learn a little bit about me, doesn’t lead with the sexual (like, no introduction messages with dick pics and “I want to fuck you so hard”) – the opposite of that just doesn’t turn me on AT ALL. So, in my case, I need a guy who is willing to put in the time to be kind to me, show me that he’s interested in more than just using me as a sex toy, is willing and wants to romance and seduce me a little bit, etc. This also leads to more “long term” lovers instead of a lot of shorter term hook-ups. Once I feel comfortable with one guy, I would rather stick to that than go looking for something else.
A little background on me – before I got married the first time I had only had 4 boyfriends in my life. Even with D, before becoming a Hotwife, I had only slept with I believe 4 men. I was always the girl who was taught to “wait” until she knew that a guy cared about her before having sex, and I guess that just shaped who I am and it’s something that I’m comfortable with. I’ve never had a one night stand, never gotten drunk at a party and slept with a guy, and I guess you could say I’m pretty conservative in that regard, so when the Hotwife idea came up, I had to figure out a way I could still feel good about holding on to some of my own feelings and notions while still making it work for D – thus the “romantic Hotwife”.
Some Hotwife couples prefer the “Bull” encounters, because they do tend to be less dangerous to the relationship – no intimacy is built in most cases, it’s just sex and everyone knows their part in that. While D is fully aware of all of my boyfriends, sees all of our conversations, and in many cases speaks with them, he understands that I can’t get things “working down there” without some aspect of romance, care or seduction. Neither way is right or wrong, they are just different and mostly depend upon the woman’s preference and what she is comfortable with.
It also depends on the husband, as well… D actually enjoys this arrangement because there IS a little more danger and jealousy in it. I’m not just reporting back to him about an hour of sex as soon as a guy walked in the door, I’m telling him about an actual date that was romantic and nice. Some husbands, though, prefer for their wives to not keep contact with the same man for too long – understandably – and in those cases, it’s really a negotiation between husband and wife about what the wife is able to “handle” and what the husband is able to “handle” and they usually meet somewhere in the middle.
When I find a lover, I typically see them for one to two months, sometimes more. Within that time, there can be meetings once or twice a week to only meeting once or twice a month – it all depends on our schedules and how things work out. With my current lover, we see each other, on average, ever couple of weeks. A date typically consists of dinner, maybe a trip to the local hot springs (did that last week), or just coming over to listen to music and have some good conversation before jumping into bed. He’s been really great about that and he enjoys that himself – he’s also not one to get as much out of things without some kind of emotional investment.
When I choose to cut things off is always different, but the thing that remains the same is that it’s pretty evident when it has to happen. Either the person is developing feelings, is becoming more demanding of my time, in one instance, D started to not like the guy and so I broke it off, etc. It’s never an easy thing to do, especially when you have come to know someone a little bit. I’ve never developed feelings for a lover beyond the “situation” or caring for them as a friend, but I have had lovers develop feelings for me, and it is a difficult situation. I would say that in most cases a couple of months seeing someone once a week or once every couple of weeks is probably a good number to stick with in terms of overall length of relationship, though some can last much longer if everyone understands the situation and is comfortable with it.
In all of the talking I have done with other Hotwives, I would say that slightly more than half of them prefer things the “romantic” way. That’s because women are typically turned on first in their brains and second in their bodies. A lot of women tend to feel more “used” or “degraded” when they just meet a stranger for a random hook-up and then move on to another stranger. I have had a TON of messages by women asking how I manage to do this without feeling “used” or how I get turned on by other men when really the person I’m most turned on by is my partner – the answer is more intimacy in a lover. Some women, though, enjoy a fully sexual situation where they find a guy who is well built and well hung and they can just meet up for that raw sexual contact. It all depends on the couple, and especially on the woman.
Hope that helped to clear some things up for you….
– S
Creating a #romantic hotwife tag in response to this great explanation!
Pretty new hotwifing podcast: Holly’s Hotwife Life.
This is an introductory episode, which touches lightly on:
What they’re like as a couple
What she’s like as a person
How the fantasy came up in conversation
False starts
The first experience (it gets pretty sexy right at this point!)
How things have been going since then
Highly recommended for people who are more curious about their own fantasies!
Check it out, and support her great endeavor to provide public information on this kink! Rate the podcast, and drop her a line with questions and comments. Note: we’re not affiliated with this podcast at all—we just think it’s great that she’s doing this public service! 😁
News: ‘Stag’ men love watching other guys have sex with their wives… but it’s not cuckolding
By Holly O’Mahony and Lollie Barr for the New York Post
Excerpts below:
It’s certainly not for everyone, but some men get off watching their wife or girlfriend having sex with other men. Meet Stag and Vixen couple Susie*, 36, and Shane*, 38, who go under the Twitter handle, @Ourlittlesecret. So-called because apart from indulging in extra circular bedroom activities, they’re otherwise a long-term straight married couple with kids and regular jobs, whose friends have no idea what they get up to.
It was Shane’s long-held fantasy for Susie to have sex with another man.
Susie explains: “We’d often roleplay it in a fantasy situation. However, I was too insecure about my body to entertain the thought of having sex with anyone else. Then we started the Twitter account and started posting naked pictures (Susie never shows her face, so there’s an anonymity). I enjoyed the exhibitionism and the compliments. I got talking to a guy who lived in our city and he asked me out for coffee. Shane was all for it.”
For some, the decision to open up the relationship in this way comes after they’ve been an exclusive couple for a long time. Susie says: “Sex with another man was appealing because Shane and I have been together since I was 18. I felt like a teenager who was dating again.”
The obvious question that had be asked is whether Susie ever felt coerced in any way. “No, I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t want to. I like being able to experience pleasure with other men. However, sex anyone other than Shane is purely sexual. Our relationship is my prime focus.”
The couple say they have more sex together now.
They cover a lot of ground. Read the whole article at this link!
In this essay, a husband shares his six-month struggle to process his wife’s request for an open marriage, and how two years down the road it’s been beneficial for their communication, love, and affection.
Here are some amazing excerpts from the essay:
For my wife, the choice between honoring our vows and fulfilling her desires was a false choice, another trap. She knew how deep our love was, and knew that her wanting a variety of sexual experiences as we traveled through life together would not diminish or disrupt that love. It took me about six months — many long, intense conversations, and an ocean of red wine — before I knew it, too.
When my wife told me she wanted to open our marriage and take other lovers, she wasn’t rejecting me, she was embracing herself.
That was two years ago, and today we’ve never been happier, more in tune, closer, tighter, stronger. Whatever power I surrendered, I don’t miss. I wouldn’t recommend it for everyone, but I tell everyone it works for us.
It feels very adult, especially because it depends on open, honest communication. We take great pride in all the talking we do. I meet a lot of people who say they’ll never get married because they don’t want to get divorced, and hearing it always makes me sad, because they are cutting themselves off from the possibility of the magic that happens when two people share their lives. People don’t divorce because they can’t stand sharing anymore; they divorce because they feel like they can’t share enough.
This has been the great challenge of my open marriage: to draw strength from vulnerability. Doing so requires supreme self-confidence. You must first really, truly love yourself; it is the foundation upon which all the other love is built.
From everywhere comes the message that what I’m doing is for weaklings, losers, failures, pussies; that if I had money and status, I could keep my wife “in line”; that her self-discovery comes at the expense of my self-esteem. My open marriage has made heavy demands on my ability to silence the voice of doubt in my head, that gnawing feeling of worthlessness. But I find I can meet those demands, and that I am able to build my self-confidence out of nothing more than the basic dignity we all possess.
I’m grateful to my wife for pushing us to take this leap.
It’s strange to write things like this down, but it’s something that I have been thinking about.
I’ve only kissed or tasted one man since I started dating my future husband, some 20 years ago. I haven’t been caressed or kissed by anyone since then. Even before I met my husband, I didn’t really have a lot of experience. I was naïve, and all I knew was that I was supposed to meet the right guy and marry him. Which I did, and I have never regretted that once in my life! I’d do it all over again.
I’m also not ashamed that I’ve been so faithful and loyal to my husband, since that’s all we knew about for most of our life. If I’d have cheated, it would have been a massive betrayal, and I would have regretted it. So I’m proud of how faithful I have been, and I love that I’ve never once given my husband a reason to doubt my loyalty.
But if I’m being honest, way down deep I have gotten curious about what another man would be like. Mainly things like kissing, hugging, holding close, but also much more explicit things too. I’m surprised at myself! But I feel free to imagine things a lot more lately.
My husband and I have been talking about some of his fantasies. I’ll admit, I was shocked at him at first, because I thought he’d be the last man to ever think about something like this. After I told him I didn’t like talking about this kind of thing (honestly, I was very uncomfortable), the truth is that it got in my head. It’s kind of like a song that’s too catchy, and so you have to whistle it or hum it all day. I just hadn’t known that there were other ideas out there.
I’m not at a point where I’m ready to start meeting guys to date, even though my husband says he’d be okay with that. I still have things to think about. But I definitely know I’m looking at men a whole lot differently these days.
What I found more surprising is that I’m looking at myself differently too. I haven’t lost anything, and I’m still the same loving wife and mom. What has happened is that I’ve got a whole different sense of how attractive I might be, or something like that. Hard to explain it exactly. My husband says he’s noticed “something different”, and we are having more (and I think better) sex than we have in years. Thanks, other guys! Lol.
This is all pretty new to me, and I’m still thinking it over. But I know that I definitely have some curiousity about what I might like to do. It’s not a threat to my husband, and it’s making a good thing even better.
I think I’m going to to try something I never tried, which is flirting. I never learned how, even when I was younger. I’m also paying more attention to what I find attractive in men. I’m honestly…just more horny lately. One day I came pretty close to downloading Tinder to see what it was like, but I chickened out. I think I want my husband to be there if I do that, and I’m still too chicken to bring it up. It’s hard enough to admit it anonymously, but it’s also liberating and sort of sexy.
I’m still the same loyal wifey, but I’m having some fun with my husband’s crazy idea. I’m also glad to see that we’re not alone. Is it just me, or does everyone else who’s 40 years old start doing things like this? I guess I just notice it more now that I’m looking into it.
Big questions I have about actually doing something like this are mostly about safety. I think I want to make sure I would only see a guy who has been tested. I’d want to be someplace safe and secret. I think I’d like to do it out of town, and have a real date. I like the idea of dinner and the whole works. These are some of the things I have questions about. But even the questions are sexy, which is something my husband pointed out.
Awesome—good luck, guys!!!
Have you seen this caption on people’s Facebook or Tumblr pages?
You know, usually on the page of your friend or relative who married a cheating douchebag, who then abandoned her when he was confronted? Yes, we can all agree that sucks. Nobody in their right mind would advocate for Mr. Cheato Jerkwad.
Yeah, this fills a need for them. It helps them imagine the love and security they never got from their partner. I’ll never ridicule them or argue on their timeline about it. They’ve already been through plenty.
What they’re trying to express with this caption is a deep-seated need we all have. They’re asking, “Will you be loyal to me? Or do I have to be afraid of losing you, too?”
We’re explicitly, totally against cheating. And we feel sorry for anyone who’s been betrayed.
Unfortunately, this caption also creates extremely unrealistic expectations. (Exactly as dumb and unrealistic as a lot of the ridiculous hotwifing captions you thumb through on here.)
If this is the measure of true love, you might as well hire an animator to paint you into a Disney movie, because this is a fantasy that doesn’t take into account biology, psychology, or the kind of development that occurs in the healthiest relationships.
Besides that, the whole thing is so vague. Who is “a psychology professor?” Is it a man or a woman? Are they American, Czech, Thai, or Hatian? Do they work at a big college, a community college, or a basement correspondence school? Did they say this in class, or while giving a toast at a wedding, or after watching a romantic comedy with friends?
It sounds more like somebody said something they really felt should be true, then looked for a way to give it some authority. “Oh, you know who people think are smart about these things? Psychology professors!” So they invented the fact that a psychology professor said this thing that they want to be true. It makes it feel more true.
But the statement itself is so absolute and one-sided. All people are absolutely monogamous demisexuals? Widows who still love their deceasing husband will never be able to get attracted to a living guy? Swingers who stay married for 60 years weren’t in love? You mean polyamorous people don’t exist? That’s pretty extreme.
Let’s get it straight: this isn’t a psychology fact at all. It’s…
a nice sentiment, like unicorns and Care Bears
a way for betrayed people to imagine what a better person would be like
guaranteed clickbait
widely believed, especially in conservative contexts (some churches teach things like this)
detrimental to people in real relationships
an extremist position
not something you’ll find agreeable to many real-world therapists and psychology professors
great for cartoons and Hallmark movies, but not for real life
So in conclusion, this meme applies in a way to cheaters and those they abandon. It’s completely irrelevant for most of us. And exploring our fantasies together in a loving, full-communication, functional marriage can go a long way to preventing people from even being tempted to cheat.
So ladies, keep checking out men’s butts, and be sure to tell your husband about it 😈. Guys, don’t start to develop needless anxiety because you read something like this caption.You’re both fine. Don’t let shit like this mess with your head. It doesn’t apply to us!
A Wife’s Guide for Bringing up Hotwifing
Emma writes that most people who raise the prospect of hotwifing are husbands. That’s probably true for now, for two reasons:
Wives are only just beginning to hear about it, so the exposure hasn ’t been there for wives to consider it for very long, and
Wives with the fantasy are more reluctant to bring it up for fear of triggering their husband’s jealousy, sounding slutty, or worse.
Regardless of why, the truth is that I hear about more and more wives who have this interest. They’re good wives who love their husbands, and they can’t imagine how to raise their fantasies with their husbands without hurting their feelings or angering them.
That’s where Emma’s article is so valuable. She explains why this topic can be so sensitive for husbands who haven’t previously considered it, and explains some ways for making sure he’s ready to listen. This is kind of a big bombshell to drop on men who have only ever heard of (a) monogamy or (b) cheating. He’s going to assume the worst if he can’t take a deep breath and hear about all the different options in between these two familiar words.
The basic needs he has are the same as yours: respect, confidence, boundaries, and a general sense of stability and security. If his needs for love and security are met, he’ll be more interested in listening.
You can also send him to sites like this one and others. Learning about compersion can be really important, and seeing just how aroused other husbands get by their wives “naughty behavior” can help them see different ways of looking at their wife’s sexuality. Ideally, he won’t just consent—hopefully he can get to where it turns him on like crazy. Like in all our dirty captions! 😈
As time goes on and more women get in touch with this fantasy, we’re going to need a lot more articles like this one!
This is one of the several reasons why so many husbands get turned on by this kink. He loves feeling possessive, and sharing only highlights that.
Husbands with this kink have a totally inaccurate reputation for not being possessive. For a lot of men, it’s a high-level possessiveness without jealousy. It’s almost like saying, “She’s mine, not yours—even if she lets you touch her, she’s coming right back to me.”
“I have something (actually some one) you’d love to experience. Will you get to touch her? Hmmm, that all depends on a lot of things…but I get to kiss her whenever. Because I’m a badass who’s married to this hottie.”
Hotwifing emphasizes:
The permanent, solid, immense value of the wife to the husband, that he’s incredibly infatuated and confident of his bond with her.
Her absolute desirability, that other men would want her like that, and that her desirability is a part of her, and that suppressing this desirability would be criminal.
The contingent, conditional, temporary value of other men outside the marriage—they have no innate relationship to her, only what she and her husband allow.
The wife’s conviction that her husband really finds her this desirable, and that she’s so confident about his commitment to her, and the realization that her relationship to any other man only emphasizes the permanent depth of their marriage commitment.
A crude, but effective, illustration I’ve heard elsewhere is that a man who values his wife like this can be compared to a guy who has a prized Lamborgini sports car.
This thing is a valuable, amazing possession. He’s going to be very possessive—don’t try to steal it! If you’re a decent and trustworthy person, sure, he’ll let you run your hand along the surface and sit in the seat. If you’re a really worthwhile person, he might let you go slowly down the driveway. If you’re really a special person who knows what they’re doing, he might sit in the passenger’s seat while you drive. But he’s going to be watching the whole time, and making sure you treat this prized possession better than they treat anything else.
And he has the satisfaction of knowing this car is his all day, every day. Letting you drive it and say “oooh, ahhh, amazing car” only reminds him that he’s the lucky owner.
Letting “her” go around the track once or twice with another driver only makes him more eager to get back in the driver’s seat of the car he loves.
Now, instead of a car a guy owns, replace it with a loving wife, a person who nobody actually owns and never really could. She chose him too, and loves him back. This is the woman he prizes above every physical object, whom he wants to grow old with. Nobody owns her, but he likes to feel like they willingly “own each other” in a way.
Just like that Lamborgini owner, he loves showing off his most amazing “prize.” Hearing someone praise her or get turned on by her would be scary if he didn’t truly trust that she loved him back. But he believes that they’re really meant for each other. Unlike a car, she loves him back—which really puts things over the edge for him. Like, a total wash of emotions!
Obviously, every metaphor has limits. This one? Be careful not to reduce a woman to a possession or an object. The lesson isn’t about her as some sort of possessed object. Please. The lesson is about the husband’s feelings. She can’t be possessed, but he still feels possessive. She can’t be owned, but he can get a satisfied feeling that resembles it enough to make it feel good.
It’s about all the trust and pride that goes with it.
This explains a little bit how so many husbands don’t feel jealous, but still feet super possessive of their relationships with their wife. People who jump right to jealousy without ever once trying to understand what jealousy means are missing something. And they’re not going to understand compersion, for sure!
Don’t mistake a lack of jealousy for the absence of care, love, and deep attachment. You can be very sharing and also very careful about your relationship.
Knowing that your wife turns on other guys can be incredibly arousing! But knowing she’s yours for life is priceless!
Hotwife Facts and Fantasies 