oursexyexploration:

I do a lot of chatting and conversing with both men and women who are trying to navigate the first steps of the Hotwife Lifestyle.  Over the passed two years, I’ve noticed a larger jump in the number of women who are contacting us asking for advice.  They are willing to “try” their man’s fantasy, but the way that “he” wants it to play out isn’t something they’re comfortable with, and yet they are afraid to voice their concerns or simply don’t know how.  I received this message from a lovely lady who prefers to remain anonymous:  

“My husband has been talking about the Hotwife Lifestyle for the last few years.  He did all of the initial research, it totally turns him on and when he came to me with the idea I was shocked, but willing to listen to him.  I decided that if it would make him happy, I would give it a try and I agreed.  He almost jumped out of his seat he was so excited.  Then he started to take over all the planning and telling me how it was going to happen, what was going to happen, etc.  Basically, he says he’s going to meet the guy with me, he’s going to be in the room when it starts, and he’s going to get video and pictures.  This doesn’t sound at all enjoyable to me and is actually scaring me shitless because I’m someone who needs some intimacy to get anything out of sex and this just sounds like he wants to make porn with me being the star in it.  I don’t get to choose the guy, I have to be directed and taped, is this normal?  Is this how being a Hotwife works?  I know it seems to be how it works in a lot of the videos and stuff on Tumblr, but I hoped that it wasn’t this way for real.  I tried to talk to him about maybe letting me do it on my own to get comfortable with things first and he said he’d consider it but that I HAD to get video and pictures during for him and he’d tell me the type of video and pictures I have to get.  How do you even ask for that stuff, especially the first time you meet someone for sex? If you don’t mind, can you leave my name out of your post because I’m super embarrassed about this and I know he follows a lot of Hotwife Tumblrs.”

My first reaction…this poor woman.  I can completely understand where she is coming from and I think there’s often a big disconnect between what this lifestyle means to men and women and how each derives pleasure from it.  The above question isn’t always how these things work, but it happens often enough to cause problems and confusion, and to turn what could be an exhilarating sexual addition to a relationship into something ugly and scary. It usually goes something like this…  Man has a fantasy and shares it with his wife.  She’s shocked, but curious and decides that she wants to make him happy and will give it a try.  Man gets SUPER excited and sets out to start “directing” his own version of the fantasy with her as the “leading lady”.  This works beautifully in the porn industry, but the only problem is that she’s not an “actress”, she’s his wife or partner.  

How do we as women, or would-be Hotwives, actually get our husbands or partners on board with the way that WE see things playing out?  I’m going to give some advice here, but I’m going to start with a disclaimer:  I understand these things aren’t always easy to do/say.  I understand that sometimes husbands or male partners can be a bit more dominant when it comes to sexual fantasies and when they get something in their heads they want it to play out in a certain way.  I understand it can be scary to speak up, but it’s something we as women HAVE to do if this lifestyle is going to work.  

First, whether the Hotwife Lifestyle was your partner’s idea or not, the acting out of the lifestyle MUST be a joint effort.  You and your partner are a team, and a team listens to each other and adjusts thoughts, feelings, and actions to make sure that in the end everything works.  Imagine being tied together in a three-legged race.  Each person knows they want to get to the finish line and that they are tied together, but they have different ideas on how to get there successfully, so when the buzzer goes off, they just start running…what’s going to happen?  They’re either going to fall down, or someone is going to end up being dragged along, scraped up and if they make it to the finish line, one person (or both) are going to be hurt.  Now imagine if those people had talked strategy and actually listened to each other’s perspectives on how best to run the race.  Imagine that person A had an idea and person B had an idea and they somehow put together the best parts of both of those ideas and then when the buzzer went off they shot off the mark as a team that worked together?  No one is being dragged, no one is falling down, and in the end, they cross the finish line smiling.  This is how the Hotwife Lifestyle SHOULD be.  

Ladies, remember that when our men have fantasies and look at things like porn or Tumblr to facilitate their desires before telling us about them, they aren’t seeing reality.  This reminds me of a little video documentary I saw where high school aged boys who hadn’t had sex before were being asked about how they learned about sex and what they thought it was like to have sex.  First, all but two of the boys interviewed said they learned about sex from internet porn.  These boys, when asked, said that women’s orgasms where better than men’s because they did a lot more screaming and moaning and the harder that they had sex the more orgasms the women had.  When asked, they all said that women had at least 2 or 3 orgasms every time they had sex.  This is what boys are learning from porn…can you imagine when they start having sex what a shock it’s going to be, or how many girls/young ladies are going to end up having to “fake it” because their partners weren’t taught what it really takes to get a woman off?  We can take a lesson from this when it comes to the Hotwife Lifestyle and realize that many of our husbands or partners have “learned” about the lifestyle through unrealistic means.  We have to help bring them back to reality a little bit.  

If you’re a woman who is into crazy, hot sex with strangers and your husband there directing and filming you, then more power to you!  That’s probably a MUCH easier road to travel than if you are a woman who requires a little more intimacy and romance to “get there”.  There’s nothing wrong with either type of woman, but I’m speaking to the more “romantic Hotwife” here, and how she can rein in her husband’s fantasy to a point that it can actually be comfortable or even enjoyable for her.  

So, it’s time to have a talk with hubby…  Before doing so, I would suggest you consider very seriously the things that you think would make you most comfortable and happy as a Hotwife and write them down.  If hubby has it in his head that he’s going to be sitting in the corner watching you your first time out and that’s just not something you think is going to work for you, then write it down.  If you want to choose your own partners, with hubby’s input of course, then write that down.  If you think you need a little romance or intimacy, you envision a “date” rather than a “sex meet up”, then write that down.  When you’re ready, come to hubby with your list and tell him that you’ve carefully considered his fantasy and read him the list of how you envision it playing out, then ask him to tell you how he envisions it playing out.  

Now it’s time for compromise.  There will be some things that you can compromise on and some things you simply can’t.  Personally, a “no compromise” thing for me would be D choosing a guy and then directing the encounter while videoing it…that just wouldn’t work for me.  So, I would prefer not to do it at all if that’s the only way that he wants it done.  Some things I can compromise on…getting him video and pictures – it’s NOT as easy for women to do as guys think it is, because it will likely turn a possible “intimate” encounter into something more like porn or acting.  With that said, there are ways to get video and still maintain some intimacy, like just setting up a static camera in the corner of the room, hitting play and forgetting about it.  Negotiate with your date ahead of time on this aspect of things and that way you can go in and start the camera before you head to the bedroom.  Once you get to the bedroom, the camera will be running, but you can mostly ignore it.  I’ve done this for D as a compromise to the video and pictures aspect of things.  It might not be the “in your face, first person perspective” video that men see on Tumblr, but it’s still better than nothing, right? And D has loved every video that I’ve gotten for him.  

So, now you each have your lists of what you envision, you’ve discussed them with each other and listened to each other’s perspective on things, and if you can come to some good compromises, then the lifestyle is a “go”.  If you can’t compromise, then it’s back to the drawing board until you can.  Don’t be afraid to draw lines in the sand when you feel you have to…if there is something you just are NOT comfortable doing, then don’t compromise on that.  Make sure your husband or partner knows you’re willing to work with him on his fantasy, but that it has to be right for YOU if you’re going to do it.  This is your body and your brain and your heart we’re talking about here, and as much as you want to focus on your husband, there are times when you have to listen to your own feelings.  

Here’s the kicker…there is always the possibility that after you’ve gotten a little more comfortable with being a Hotwife, certain lines in the sand that you’ve drawn may be able to be moved or erased completely.  Maybe at some point you WILL be comfortable with him watching you.  Maybe at some point you WILL be comfortable with him joining in.  Maybe at some point you WILL be comfortable with letting him pick a man for you and have a crazy night complete with video, but that time isn’t now.  Your husband needs to know this, and it will likely make him more agreeable to certain choices you feel are right for you if you say that there a possibility down the road that you may be willing to do more.  

In the end, remember that, as I said before, this has to be a team effort if it’s going to work out, especially long term.  It can’t be one person dragging the other across a line and feeling like they’ve won while the person being dragged is scraped up and hurt.  If there is EVER a time to find your voice, this is it!  If you do, the Hotwife Lifestyle can be an amazing addition to your lives.  Good luck ladies!  
– S