This is a great question, and I’m sure one that a lot of Hotwives can relate to (whether they want to admit it or not). I see this question as a good example of how the “fantasy” is sometimes greater than the “reality” when it comes to certain things. In “fantasy land”, what woman wouldn’t want to be seduced and have sex with an attractive man who has a killer body and is good in bed with zero guilt? It seems simple, right? Unfortunately, it’s not always that simple, because there is this little thing called “the brain” that gets in the way, especially for women.
Women have sexual fantasies…of course we do! We fantasize about sexy men with cut bodies and a penchant for romantic conversation. We fantasize about those “bad boy” rocker types who we imagine would just take us “backstage” and give us the sexual time of our lives. We fantasize about things we’ve seen, sexy situations, and even passed lovers. The thing about “fantasies” is that our brains choose only the good parts of things and leave out all of the niggling little realities, like anxiety, worry, fear, being uncomfortable, etc.
In our fantasies we aren’t thinking about things like “geez, this guy kisses weird”, “why does he make those noises”, “the sound of his voice when he says my name makes me feel weird”. What’s more, for many of us who are so completely into our husbands or partners, we tend to be unable to stop drawing comparisons throughout an encounter – both comparisons that favor our partners and ones that might not favor them (and then we feel guilty for it later).
All of this “thinking” that we do while we’re on a date is what I like to call an “orgasm killer”. If my brain is working too much and I’m not focused on the pleasure or the person that I’m with, it’s just not going to happen, no matter how sexy he is, how good that he is in bed, how well he uses his tongue or how nice his cock is. If a thought comes through my head like “wow, John knows just the right way to touch me, I wish D touched me that way”…instant guilt and the orgasm meter goes from moderate to zero. Conversely, if a thought comes through my head like “I miss the way that D smells, John doesn’t smell like D”…instant longing for “my man” and the orgasm meter goes to zero again.
Half the time these “thoughts” are so fast and powerful that we don’t even realize they’re coming until we’re buried, sort of like an avalanche. If there was a way to hit “pause” on the brain and just focus on the body, I’m sure things would work a whole lot better. Some women have found this pause button, and bless them for it! I…have not. Men, it seems, are much better able to do this than women, as well. D likes to say that he’s just able to separate “sex and emotion” and I’m not. One of the reasons why if I’m going to get any pleasure at all from an encounter, it has to be with a guy who I have some romantic chemistry with – someone who can override those thoughts in my head a little bit.
I’m going to be candid here… No, I don’t always have orgasms on dates. Sometimes I’m so far for having an orgasm it’s like the orgasm is in London and I’m standing on the beach in San Diego. I know it’s not going to happen…usually, I fake it in those situations, because who wants to make a guy who’s trying hard to please you feel bad? I guess I’m just a pleaser at heart. I have had orgasms before, and that’s been with the guys who take their time and really romance/seduce me before hand.
I can absolutely related to you feeling like you need to lie to your husband about having orgasms on your dates. D tells me he doesn’t want me to lie, but I know damn well that he gets a hell of a lot more out of things and is WAY more turned on if I DO have an orgasm on a date, so, what’s a girl to do? Have I lied to D about having orgasms with my dates? Yes (sorry, baby, but it’s true). It takes so much for me to get myself out, prepared and follow through with a date, and I’m doing it to turn D on and get him to that place where he gives me all the things that a partner who is absolutely ready to chew his leg off to be with you gives you that it’s a major let down for both of us if I’m just not able to get there. Not to mention the feeling that I’m somehow “broken”, because it seems like all these other Hotwives are able to have ten orgasms per date and I’m sometimes not able to have one. So, yeah…you’re not alone in feeling the need to bend the truth a little bit in this area.
Do I like the sex or wish I was with D? Well, honestly, every time I go out I would rather be with D, that’s just the truth. He’s the man I chose, the one I love, the one who I feel the best and most confident with, etc. I would choose having sex with him ten times over having sex with someone else. This is also where men and women are different – you may have noticed one of my earlier articles where most men admit that at some point if given the opportunity and consent they would like to have sex with someone else. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t feel this way. If I got to a point that I would rather have sex with someone else rather than D, I would probably think that was a sign to myself that maybe the relationship was in trouble.
Do I enjoy the sex on my dates? Sure. I enjoy the entire experience on some levels. Unless the guy is a total jerk it’s nice to get that extra attention and be with someone who is really turned on by you, trying to please you, barely lets you close the door before he has his arms around you and is kissing you, going above and beyond, etc. This is something that tends to get lost a little bit in a long term relationship and it’s there in something new and fresh, so that’s definitely enticing.
My advice is this: You have to try as best you can to quiet your brain (alcohol helps a little bit) and just be in the moment on a date. You have to kind of “put away” your husband and your relationship and just pretend that you’re a girl standing in front of a boy who is really hot and really wants to be with you. Forget about all the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” and just focus on what you’re doing. It’s easier said than done, but it can happen given the right preparation and mental control. Also, don’t feel bad about lying to your husband about your orgasms, but remember, if you come home from every date and tell him “Baby, I came SO HARD” he’s probably going to want you to have more and more dates…if you’re good with that, then by all means do it, but otherwise, use a mid-level approach. Tell him about the good parts of the date, the things that did turn you on, how sexy the guy was, how nice it was when he touched you, and then when it comes to the orgasm topic, just sort of gloss over it as best you can. 🙂 I don’t advocate lying, but in this circumstance, it’s sometimes hard not to.
– S
Baby Steps
The things she writes about are great, but two little things that you can keep in mind:
Some of these steps might be out of your comfort zone. If so, you can just think about what you could be okay with and do that instead.
You might not want to “go” anywhere with it. Maybe you’re going to keep it in the fantasy world. Join the club! There are myriads of couples just messing around with this stuff, with no serious plans to move beyond fantasy.
Enjoy what you enjoy, and use articles like this just to get your brain going!
Here’s a good post from a great blogger, Emma, who writes some great reflections on common misconceptions that men and women who are curious might have on the topic of hotwifing.
Myth 1: All Hotwives are nymphomaniacs
I guess the rationale behind this one is that if a woman needs more than her husband’s penis then she must be highly sexed. I’ll agree that a lot of fellow Hotwives do have a higher than average sex drive but that’s not always the reason they choose the lifestyle. I think only a small percentage of women became a Hotwife because their husband couldn’t cope with the demand. As I put it in my last blog post, Hotwives may be insatiable, but not necessarily just for sex. We have a hunger for the variety other men bring into our sex life.
Myth 2: The Hotwife’s husband must be a dud
Hotwives generally don’t get into the lifestyle because their husbands are awful in bed. If anything, it’s a man who is confident in his bedroom skills that can invite another man or two to share his precious wife. He knows the pleasure is in different lovers, not better lovers. He also knows that he only has one penis and there is immense delight in having more than one cock to appreciate at the same time. A Hotwife’s husband is therefore pretty darn awesome in bed if you ask me. He understands her needs.
Myth 3: A Woman needs Hotwife ‘Training’
What?? You’re either a Hotwife or you’re not right? I think the idea that a woman can be converted into a Hotwife is somewhat demeaning. I’m a shared wife out of my own volition. I don’t need to be coaxed into having sex with other men. I guess if the ‘training’ is meant to be an extrapolation of the dominant/submissive relationship, then by all means go for it. I personally don’t view what I do as putting myself in an inferior or subservient position to my husband, nor a superior one. We both equally enjoy me being a Hotwife.
Myth 4: A Hotwife must be in a bad marriage
Far from it. If a woman is in an unhappy marriage and agrees to sleep with other men, then I think it’s a last ditch effort to put some spark back into the union, or it’s already at death’s door. At any rate, it won’t last. Introducing other people into a couple’s sex life requires honesty, trust and the ability to communicate. If they don’t exist in a marriage then the couple has no business doing anything other than improving their primary relationship. It’s only when you have a solid base that swinging or Hotwifing can be enjoyed for the uncomplicated fun they are.
Myth 5: There must be something ‘wrong’ with a Hotwife
Maybe it sounds too good to be true for some men? Why would a happily married woman seek sex outside of the marriage? Is she a freak? Is she bored? Is she walking the road to self-destruction? The best thing to do is assume nothing about a Hotwife who invites you to fuck her. Take the offer at face value. There are no strings attached and if you decide to stop seeing her, then you don’t need to grow eyes on the back of your head for fear that she will axe you. Trust me, she’s moved on to the next able body. Hotwives are completely regular women who do regular things. In bed, she just wants a little extra on the side. No need to think beyond that.
ARE BULLS OR BOYFRIENDS BEING TRAUMATIZED BY HOTWIVES?
An interesting question and one I will do my best to answer thoughtfully…
When you enter into any situation, lifestyle or otherwise, there is the possibility for someone to get hurt. Take dating, for example. You meet a nice guy, go out on a few dates, sleep together, one person becomes attached while the other person doesn’t – is dating causing trauma? No, because there were no promises made in the dating situation, only a “lets hang out, get to know each other and see if this works”…if it doesn’t then we part ways.
This is the same in a Bull situation for a Hotwife, and actually much more up front in terms of expectations being laid out. In my situation, and most that I know of with other Hotwife relationships, the “third”, “Bull”, “lover, etc, knows from the very beginning what they are getting into. In fact, most people meet online, and most online profiles that are looking for a “Bull” clearly state exactly what is desired or expected – as do any of the profiles that I have had past or present. In fact, every profile I have ever had on any site clearly states I am part of a “couple” and D has full access to the profile (as he has full access to this Tumblr account) so he can read messages, respond to messages, etc. I never “go out looking”, I have plenty of people who respond to my profiles and I simply choose from there the ones I have chemistry with and D is comfortable with. D is fully able and welcome (and often does) speak with men prior to me meeting them and sometimes if he gets a bad vibe then we decide against that person. It’s a team effort. In a lot of Hotwife situations, the husband actually meets the Bull or Boyfriend either prior to the wife meeting him or with the wife for the first time.
All “Bulls” know the game. Most “Boyfriends” know the game. Contrary to what many people believe, there are a lot of men out there who either have lives too busy to have a relationship, who enjoy their single life, etc., who enjoy having sex occasionally (or more than occasionally), and these are typically the men who respond to profiles for “couples” or “Hotwives”. Experienced Bulls get their sexual pleasure from playing that “role”…this entices them and they enjoy it. In many situations, the “Bulls” are actually married as well and are in open relationships or swinger type relationships. It’s all out in the open from the beginning. I, personally, have a NO CHEATERS rule, and I am very good at sniffing out the men who are attempting to cheat on their wives by being a “Bull”. In one situation, I actually corresponded with the wife of a man I saw for a month or two so that I could be sure that she was okay with the situation – she was and she was also engaging in sex outside the marriage.
Is it traumatic to sleep with someone who knows from the get go that they are with a woman who is attached, NOT cheating behind her husband’s back, and is looking for a “no strings attached” arrangement and has actually spoken at length to both the woman and her partner about the situation, the lifestyle, the expectations, etc.? I don’t necessarily think that it is…and if any trauma occurs, I don’t feel that there is blame to be put on the couple. In my situation, and most that I have spoken to who engage in the lifestyle, there are weeks if not a month or more of negotiation, explaining of expectations, getting to know someone – both Hotwife and her husband, before any dates are made. These men know exactly what they are stepping into when they get into this situation.
Of course people can develop feelings, although it is a lot less common than you might think, this is one of the dangers of the Hotwife Lifestyle (both for the Hotwife, the Husband and the Bull), and something I have written at length about in many articles – ways to make this less likely, ways to keep this from happening, etc. There are safeguards in place to make sure that every step of the way the Bull or Boyfriend knows exactly what type of situation they are entering into and continuing with. Everyone is just there to “have fun”, these “thirds” are not looking for long term relationships or else they would not have responded to an ad for a “couple”.
I have known swingers (a lifestyle you seem to be much more okay with) who where one person has fallen for another part of a couple. I know monogamous people who have fallen for people outside of their marriage. These things happen, sadly, and while it’s sad it’s not a reason to suggest that a lifestyle is abusive or bad.
It seems as though we simply have different views on this subject matter and that there is no remedy for that. I answered this question because I felt that it was helpful for readers who are getting into the lifestyle or who are in the lifestyle and looking for the right “third”.
The fantasy of having a “Hotwife” is growing, in fact, research
shows it is growing at a higher rate than a good majority of the other
lifestyle alternatives, including the old staple of “swinging” and the modern “open
relationship”. Why is it that a fantasy
that revolves around only one part of a relationship – the woman – going out
and finding pleasure from another man more intriguing to an increasing number of men than going
out and “getting some” for himself?
Basic psychology tells us that men are highly competitive
creatures. They have a drive to compete
with other males of the species for the best mate – this isn’t so much
different than what happens in the animal kingdom. Most men have an innate drive to compete with
other men when it comes to the “best mate” or the “most attractive woman”. With this being said, one of the reservations
of most women who find out about their husband or partner’s Hotwife fantasy is
that he is somehow “weaker” than the rest because he wants to give up his
position as your only partner. Is this
really true, though? Could the truth lie
somewhere within today’s man’s loss of natural competition in everyday life,
and a desire to maintain a level of competition after marriage or “monogamy”? Is this weakness, or rather the ultimate
confidence?
Cuckholding aside, because this aspect of the fantasy requires
a bit more in terms of a “woman led” relationship, and a bit more from the man
in terms of a desire for mental sadomasochism, a good majority of men enjoy the
idea that they have been able to “capture” the best mate and even when she’s
out having amazing physical and emotional experiences with men who may have qualities
that actually supersede their own – a better body, a larger cock, youth, more
prowess in bed – their woman actually WANTS to come back to them at the end of
the night. While most Hotwife-Husbands do
get some level of turn-on from the jealousy and the possibility that their Hotwife
may actually be enjoying their dates more than they enjoy being “at home”, the
overwhelming desire is the competition and the “win” in terms of having a wife
who chooses them again and again even after being allowed to go out and have
other men.
As Hotwives, we may be the focus of the fantasy, but there
is that deeper and more psychological desire of a man who, even after
committing to one woman, is able to compete with other males sexually. This is why the desire for “reclaiming” a
Hotwife after a date is so strong – it’s actually been scientifically proven
that men who are able to reclaim a partner after she has been with someone else
have an increase in testosterone levels, which means stronger desire, more
powerful erections, longer lasting erections, and an overall stronger sex
drive. So, what does this mean for us as
Hotwives?
He Enjoys the
Jealousy, Go with It
As women we’ve learned that inducing some jealousy can
actually be a good thing when it comes to dating – before we’ve found our “person”. We use our female prowess to keep the men who
we are seeing guessing…why? Because they
seem more interested in us when it seems as though we may not be 100%
there. So, if this works in the dating
world, why wouldn’t it work once we’re married?
In contrast, women typically don’t respond as well, or in the same way
to jealousy – we tend to worry, question, and sometimes shut down if we feel that
he might be “just not that into us”. Naturally,
because of our own feelings on the matter, we tend to avoid making our men
jealous once we’ve committed to them, because we, ourselves don’t want to feel
as though we’re in constant competition with other, more attractive, sexier,
younger, etc., women. Why would we do
something to the man that we love that we, ourselves, would hate?
For men, though, and especially those with Hotwife
fantasies, jealousy is a big component and tool for us to keep our men hot and
bothered. Sometimes just the mere
mention of being flirted with by that cute guy at our favorite restaurant, or
our interest in the sexy personal trainer at the gym is enough to send our men
into a sexual frenzy. It doesn’t take a
lot to feed the fantasy. It’s not ALL
about dates and recounting how well we got worked over in the bedroom (and how
much we loved it), though that is the ultimate turn on for our men, it’s also about
the little things – the mention of our interest in someone else, the sexy
messages that we send to potential lovers or Bulls, the “tease” of how much we
loved what our last Bull did for us and how much we’re looking forward to doing
it again. Remember, this ignites the “competition”
element of things, which is natural for men.
The More You Enjoy
it, the More He Enjoys it
You may be thinking, “But I’m doing it for him, I’m not
doing it for myself” (a common theme by A LOT of Hotwives), but in reality, our
men WANT us to enjoy our encounters.
They want to hear about what this “other guy” did for or to is that sent
us over the edge, and yes, they want to hear what we liked better about the “other
guy”. I know it seems crazy, because we
don’t want to imagine our men, even if we did allow them to be with other women,
thinking that their “others” were better, sexier, hotter or had something that
we don’t. That’s because we don’t have
that “competition drive” like our men do.
Let’s face it, despite what our men tell us – “It’s all
about your pleasure” or “I don’t get anything out of it unless you’re enjoying
it, because I love you so much” – this isn’t some ultimate “unselfish” thing our
men are doing for us. These things come
out of their mouths, but what they are really saying is “I want to know that
you came three times while he was fucking you, and you STILL want to come home
to me”. It’s their kink, and we have to
understand it.
So, if you’ve actually taken the step into the world of
Hotwifing, you’re going to have to learn how to properly tease your man into
believing that, just maybe, your Bull was better than him in some ways. Whenever you think “But I’m only doing it for
him”, follow that us with “I’m doing it for him and he WANTS to know that I absolutely
enjoyed it”. Find some aspect of your
encounter that was mind-blowing, and recount, in great detail exactly what it
was that sent you over the edge. This
may require a little bit of embellishment, and that’s OKAY…trust me…embellishment
is your friend in this situation. Tell your
man about your Bull’s amazing cock, how good if felt, how good he tasted, how
fantastic he was at oral sex, etc. These
are the things that will ramp up that competition streak in your man and make
him want to reclaim you with increased vigor and desire.
The More You Want
Someone Else, The More Your Man Wants You
Again, you’re playing on the competition and the teasing
aspect of things here… The more that you
act as if you WANT to be a Hotwife, the more that your husband or partner is
going to WANT you. His desire for you is
going to skyrocket, his sexual desire for you is going to make it so that he’s
ready to chew his own leg off to get you back in bed. I have experienced this firsthand many times…if
I am completely honest about an “encounter” and admit to “D” that my Bull was
lacking in some way, or I didn’t quite “get there”, he isn’t nearly as turned
on as when I tell him about how amazing things were. I don’t like or believe in lying, but I do
advocate for being selective and stretching the truth…maybe your lover wasn’t
the best at giving oral sex, but maybe he was an amazing kisser, so a good
answer would be “he was amazing with his mouth” and leave the rest up for interpretation.
We’re women. We are
strong and capable and we are smart. And
the truth is, this is a GAME we are playing for and with our husbands/partners,
so we need to get our heads into the game.
Furthermore, this is an intellectual game, and we need to use our intellects
to get to where we want to be. Where do
we want to be? We want to have a husband/partner
who is absolutely drooling over us, believes we are the ultimate sexual
goddess, and in is jealous enough to realize that in order to “compete” they
will need to step up their own game in order to “keep” us satisfied – be that
with amazing sex, extra romance, other rewards, or all of the above.
The Hotwife / Cuckold fantasy is one of the fastest growing
fantasies out there.
More and more men are finding the thought of their wives and
girlfriends sleeping with another man arousing for a large variety of reasons.
This post is not about why men want this or why women should
do this. This post is about the respect your wife or girlfriend deserves,
whether she decides to go along with your fantasy or not.
I see post after post from men asking how they can convince
their significant other to have sex with other men, but you also need to know
how to handle it if she doesn’t want to have sex with other men.
My wife knows about my fantasies and agrees that the idea is
hot, but she has not agreed to act on the fantasy in real life. I love my wife
and would never force her to do anything she is not comfortable with. So far my
wife teases me about having a boyfriend and lovers, as well as some light MFM role
play in the bedroom. While I hope that it goes father one day, I am okay if she
stops here.
You can’t let this consume you or get in the way of your relationship.
If you love and respect each other, then you have to also respect each other’s boundaries.
Don’t get mad or upset id she says she only wants to be with you! What a great
honor to have a woman who loves you so much that she is willing to forsake all
others.
The bottom line is she is your wife or girlfriend, not a
piece of meat for you to whore out.
Please love each other and share your journey together. No
one should ever be forced to do something they might come to regret. They will
resent you for it in the long run. That resentment will be a cancer in your
relationship.
Good Morning Lifestylers…and wannabe lifestylers. Welcome back to another day of showing off some real hotwives doing their thing…..and people asking questions about this awesome lifestyle. Today I’m gonna touch on being Let Down.
For many of us…this can mean multiple things and it’s no different in this lifestyle either. For example…let’s say we ladies start searching for Bulls on a site online. We seem to hit it off really well with one. Stag approves and gives the green light. And you start the “I’ll be fucking you” dance with the new Bull online. You may have even met him at some point but your dialogue is practically all in messaging or online chats.
You like him so much that you are ready to set up the playdate. And the moment that you mention the subject of meeting to play….POOF…he disappears! You’re left wondering What the fuck just happened.
Yep. This happens all too frequently. It’s a major let down and I have a couple of possible explanations for it. 1. The man you are chatting with..isn’t really a part of the lifestyle and he just talked a good game but in reality…he is scared to death to take it to the next level and actually play.
I’ve had this happen a number of times and it irritates the shit out of me. 2. Some of these men are literally cheating on their wives at home. This subject may not be a big deal to some Hotwives but I have a huge problem with this. And if the Bulls havent figured this part about me yet……I Do Not Play With Married Men! Unless the wife is involved and playing too. Hotwifing isn’t about cheating. On the contrary…it is about being brutally honest with each other to the point that nothing is impossible to discuss and experience with each other. Cheating men who want to just get free pussy behind their wives backs….are deceptive and assholes.
Some of these assholes succeed in their game and some are just seeking an outlet. Many of the ones seeking an outlet bail at the last minute for fear of guilt. And they kept you in the dark about their true motive and their marital situation. This isn’t fair to themselves, their wife and especially not the Hotwife.
So…being let down is unfortunately part of the game. You will experience Bulls who really aren’t Bulls at all. Many of them say that they are…but have no idea how this works. They are fascinated with the idea but treat it like they would any single lady that they prey on. That doesn’t work on me. I have safeguards and you all should too. This is why your Stag should be fully involved in the vetting process and weed out the dumbasses. But even then…you will be let down by some of these guys. It will happen!
I can also tell you Bulls that you too…will be let down by some of the Hotwives. You have to remember that Hotwives have a slew of men to choose from. You may not hit her every button and she may just let you go. Dont take that personally. It’s too easy to be offended by that. But you shouldn’t! She has a specific thing she is looking for and you may not fit all of her criteria. Its typical. Get used to that…wish her good luck and move along to the next Hotwife.
I have had to Let down a few Bulls before and I’m sure I’ll be doing it again. Some things just have to be perfect for me or it just isn’t worth it to me. We can still be friends but I may not be keen on you continuously reaching out in order to play. At that point…I just ignore you.
Long story short….you all will be let down in this lifestyle occasionally but dont let it discourage your search. Because once you find the ones you like…its all worth it.
This will be a weekly posting just for Hotwives, Stags, Bulls, and Swingers. Every Tuesday I will focus on your questions, comments, and statements of the Hotwife lifestyle. Feel free to direct all questions today through the submit feature of my Blog! Thank you and Happy Hotwifing! 💋 ~LillybGoddess
Follow my other blog @hotwifelifestyle101 for all archived questions and episodes. Also all things Hotwives!
Make sure to talk about boundaries. Wife, give your man a good idea how far you can go. Husband, don’t be surprised when she does it!
Hotwife Facts and Fantasies 