One love? We all have the capacity for unlimited love. We all love different people, places, and things. And because we love one thing doesn’t mean we love the other any less. We share our love uniquely with others. One isn’t better than the other and we should see it that way. I can love my boyfriend hard and strong but it is not the way I love my husband. My love for him is also strong and it is undying. I can never love anyone the way I love my husband and neither he or I would want that. The song says, “One Love” in ways, at least for me, I don’t agree with. At least for me, there are many loves, many opportunities to express my love. I don’t see the benefits for caging the heart and limiting oneself to only one love. But that’s just me.
Ask your husband to imagine that this is you, and then ask what he pictures you doing (and more importantly, who you’re doing it with). His answer might surprise you!
If he says he pictures you blowing another guy besides him, don’t be indignant or jump to bad conclusions!
Ask him some questions about what’s going on in his mind. You’ll be reassured that he loves you, and that this fantasy of his is perfectly natural. It means he idolizes you in a sexual way, and wants more of you in a primal way.
It’s up to you and him to decide what your couple fantasies are. Not your favorite daytime TV host or preacher man. The funny thing is that nearly nobody in the media or Hollywood acknowledges these very common urges. They’d rather stick to complaining about the 50% divorce rate! It’s up to you and him to talk about yourselves in a real way.
Oh yeah, one more thing. Don’t be surprised if your husband gets really affectionate and open with his feelings. Why? Because you’re showing that you care about what turns him on instead of what the stereotypes say he should think. He’ll be so reassured by your love and interest that he’s going to want to get really close to you.
Are you ready to feel extra-close to your man in a way you haven’t for a long time? If you’re not, then just ignore this post. But if you want to really reach inside him and coax him out…trust us, just let him be honest with you about his fantasies about you doing other guys!
Doesn’t make sense? Well, it’s primal sex. It’s not supposed to make sense. It’s just supposed to be fun, hot, and contribute to your life somehow!
ARE BULLS OR BOYFRIENDS BEING TRAUMATIZED BY HOTWIVES?
An interesting question and one I will do my best to answer thoughtfully…
When you enter into any situation, lifestyle or otherwise, there is the possibility for someone to get hurt. Take dating, for example. You meet a nice guy, go out on a few dates, sleep together, one person becomes attached while the other person doesn’t – is dating causing trauma? No, because there were no promises made in the dating situation, only a “lets hang out, get to know each other and see if this works”…if it doesn’t then we part ways.
This is the same in a Bull situation for a Hotwife, and actually much more up front in terms of expectations being laid out. In my situation, and most that I know of with other Hotwife relationships, the “third”, “Bull”, “lover, etc, knows from the very beginning what they are getting into. In fact, most people meet online, and most online profiles that are looking for a “Bull” clearly state exactly what is desired or expected – as do any of the profiles that I have had past or present. In fact, every profile I have ever had on any site clearly states I am part of a “couple” and D has full access to the profile (as he has full access to this Tumblr account) so he can read messages, respond to messages, etc. I never “go out looking”, I have plenty of people who respond to my profiles and I simply choose from there the ones I have chemistry with and D is comfortable with. D is fully able and welcome (and often does) speak with men prior to me meeting them and sometimes if he gets a bad vibe then we decide against that person. It’s a team effort. In a lot of Hotwife situations, the husband actually meets the Bull or Boyfriend either prior to the wife meeting him or with the wife for the first time.
All “Bulls” know the game. Most “Boyfriends” know the game. Contrary to what many people believe, there are a lot of men out there who either have lives too busy to have a relationship, who enjoy their single life, etc., who enjoy having sex occasionally (or more than occasionally), and these are typically the men who respond to profiles for “couples” or “Hotwives”. Experienced Bulls get their sexual pleasure from playing that “role”…this entices them and they enjoy it. In many situations, the “Bulls” are actually married as well and are in open relationships or swinger type relationships. It’s all out in the open from the beginning. I, personally, have a NO CHEATERS rule, and I am very good at sniffing out the men who are attempting to cheat on their wives by being a “Bull”. In one situation, I actually corresponded with the wife of a man I saw for a month or two so that I could be sure that she was okay with the situation – she was and she was also engaging in sex outside the marriage.
Is it traumatic to sleep with someone who knows from the get go that they are with a woman who is attached, NOT cheating behind her husband’s back, and is looking for a “no strings attached” arrangement and has actually spoken at length to both the woman and her partner about the situation, the lifestyle, the expectations, etc.? I don’t necessarily think that it is…and if any trauma occurs, I don’t feel that there is blame to be put on the couple. In my situation, and most that I have spoken to who engage in the lifestyle, there are weeks if not a month or more of negotiation, explaining of expectations, getting to know someone – both Hotwife and her husband, before any dates are made. These men know exactly what they are stepping into when they get into this situation.
Of course people can develop feelings, although it is a lot less common than you might think, this is one of the dangers of the Hotwife Lifestyle (both for the Hotwife, the Husband and the Bull), and something I have written at length about in many articles – ways to make this less likely, ways to keep this from happening, etc. There are safeguards in place to make sure that every step of the way the Bull or Boyfriend knows exactly what type of situation they are entering into and continuing with. Everyone is just there to “have fun”, these “thirds” are not looking for long term relationships or else they would not have responded to an ad for a “couple”.
I have known swingers (a lifestyle you seem to be much more okay with) who where one person has fallen for another part of a couple. I know monogamous people who have fallen for people outside of their marriage. These things happen, sadly, and while it’s sad it’s not a reason to suggest that a lifestyle is abusive or bad.
It seems as though we simply have different views on this subject matter and that there is no remedy for that. I answered this question because I felt that it was helpful for readers who are getting into the lifestyle or who are in the lifestyle and looking for the right “third”.
In chatting with men and
fielding questions about the Hotwife Lifestyle, there are a lot of common
themes. A good majority of our followers
contact us to find out how to either bring up the idea to their wives or
partners, or how to get over certain rebuttals that their wives or partners
have made in order to not participate in the lifestyle. One of the biggest and most common themes is
the idea of “cheating” or “adultery”, either from a moral or religious
perspective. Man says he wants to share
his wife because it’s a huge turn on and fantasy, wife says “but that will make
me a cheater and cheating is wrong”.
Most of the time, that stops men in their tracks. They don’t know how explain their way out of that
issue.
“But if I’m the only one
sleeping with other people, I’ll be the cheater,” she’ll say. “And I don’t want you to sleep with other
people so you’ll be the ‘good’ one and I’ll be the one who’s forever done something
wrong.” (a common thing for a woman to think)
I do come from a
semi-religious background, and my family is pretty conservative. The idea of cheating was, well, very, very
bad. Then I got married…to a man who
ended up cheating on me numerous times. I
barely made it out of that marriage alive in many ways, at least emotionally,
and then D brings up the fact that he WANTS me to go out and do what, to me at
the time, was cheating. Well, this went
against all of my moral and minor religious beliefs. It was shocking that he had been cheated on
in his past, I had been cheated on, we both felt the immense pain of that, we
found each other and all was right with the world, and now, suddenly he wants
me to do the very thing that I left my ex husband for. It threw me for a loop mentally.
I’m by no means a
religious scholar, not a psychologist, but I am well read and I am fantastic at
research, so I started to look into the issue.
How did all of these couples, many of whom are actually “church going
people” or people with high moral standards that preclude the ideas of cheating
and adultery get into lifestyles like swinging, hotwifing, etc? There had to be some kind of answer, so I
started looking.
Adultery has many different
definitions, some deeply rooted in religious scripture and some that have
evolved over time. In “the old days” “Adultery”
was pretty cut and dry as “illicit sexual conduct of a married person or with a
married person” (at least that’s what the Greek classic writers had to
say). Over the years, the terms has
undergone some changes, and you can do your own research on it, but the most
common definition that I found was “sexual conduct outside of a marriage without
the knowledge of one’s spouse”. This is
where we bring in “cheating”, which is, by common definition, “an act of
dishonesty”. So, if we put these two
things together and truly look at them, we can surmise that a “Cheater” is
someone who goes behind their partner’s back for sexual or emotional gratification.
You do have to use a
little thought on this one, because definitions are never cut and dry, but
essentially a Hotwife cannot be a “cheater” because she is not doing something
dishonest behind her spouse’s back, rather she has expressed consent and urging
from her spouse to be with other men. Her
spouse or partner knows she is going on dates and consents, even urges, this to
happen. In a good majority of cases, the
Hotwife is actually “giving in” to something that was originally brought up by
her husband or partner, and whether she grows to like it or not, does not
change the fact that it was initiated by her husband and is done for her
husband. This is where we get into
honest and dishonest acts, and partners who are consenting to certain behaviors
and partners who do not consent to certain behaviors.
A Cheater would be
someone in a monogamous relationship who invited the gardener in for some hanky
panky while her husband was away at work, or someone who went to a motel with
that hot gym rat when she was supposed to be at Yoga class and kept it a secret. These things involve deception and there is
no “gain” to the spouse; they are selfish acts of infidelity. A Hotwife, on the other hand, has a spouse
who desires his wife or partner to flirt with that hot gym rat and get him to
take her home for some great sex so that he can get all of the details later in
order to become more sexually turned on or make the relationship “hotter”
and/or “better”.
The morality about
whether this is “right or wrong” is definitely a very personal thing. Some people simply cannot get passed the idea
that anything sexual outside of a marriage is wrong, or that any woman who
sleeps with another man, even if her husband or partner desires it, is taking
advantage of the man or committing an act that goes against a moral code. That’s absolutely fine, because this
lifestyle isn’t for everyone. But, it’s
important that people keep an open mind to the idea that everyone makes their
own definitions of what is right and wrong in a marriage or relationship, and
if both parties agree, then it’s their own “moral code”.
I will say that there
are some cases where coercion is involved and people, men and women, “give in”
to their spouse’s desires because they feel they have no other choice. This is unhealthy and is not condoned by anyone
who I know in the alternative sexual lifestyle community. Both parties have to be on board and at least
feel as though they are getting something of benefit out of the deal. D explained to me about a couple in his swinging
days where the husband would basically bring his wife to parties and “pimp her
out” and everyone knew that she was not enjoying herself – they eventually
split up. This situation would be wrong,
of course. As would a situation where a
woman decided to become a Hotwife because she felt as though if she didn’t she
would lose her man to something else – this *almost* happened to me when I was
married to my ex, back when I gave a damn whether I lost him or not. So, while this lifestyle isn’t for everyone,
it is wonderful for many couples and relationships. There are as many success stories as there
are failures, possibly more, and that’s about the same odds as any monogamous
relationship in this day and age.
So, when having that
talk about your fantasies with your wife or partner, remember to refer back to
the origin of the idea of Cheating and what it really means – it’s all about
consent and happiness for both parties.
The fantasy of having a “Hotwife” is growing, in fact, research
shows it is growing at a higher rate than a good majority of the other
lifestyle alternatives, including the old staple of “swinging” and the modern “open
relationship”. Why is it that a fantasy
that revolves around only one part of a relationship – the woman – going out
and finding pleasure from another man more intriguing to an increasing number of men than going
out and “getting some” for himself?
Basic psychology tells us that men are highly competitive
creatures. They have a drive to compete
with other males of the species for the best mate – this isn’t so much
different than what happens in the animal kingdom. Most men have an innate drive to compete with
other men when it comes to the “best mate” or the “most attractive woman”. With this being said, one of the reservations
of most women who find out about their husband or partner’s Hotwife fantasy is
that he is somehow “weaker” than the rest because he wants to give up his
position as your only partner. Is this
really true, though? Could the truth lie
somewhere within today’s man’s loss of natural competition in everyday life,
and a desire to maintain a level of competition after marriage or “monogamy”? Is this weakness, or rather the ultimate
confidence?
Cuckholding aside, because this aspect of the fantasy requires
a bit more in terms of a “woman led” relationship, and a bit more from the man
in terms of a desire for mental sadomasochism, a good majority of men enjoy the
idea that they have been able to “capture” the best mate and even when she’s
out having amazing physical and emotional experiences with men who may have qualities
that actually supersede their own – a better body, a larger cock, youth, more
prowess in bed – their woman actually WANTS to come back to them at the end of
the night. While most Hotwife-Husbands do
get some level of turn-on from the jealousy and the possibility that their Hotwife
may actually be enjoying their dates more than they enjoy being “at home”, the
overwhelming desire is the competition and the “win” in terms of having a wife
who chooses them again and again even after being allowed to go out and have
other men.
As Hotwives, we may be the focus of the fantasy, but there
is that deeper and more psychological desire of a man who, even after
committing to one woman, is able to compete with other males sexually. This is why the desire for “reclaiming” a
Hotwife after a date is so strong – it’s actually been scientifically proven
that men who are able to reclaim a partner after she has been with someone else
have an increase in testosterone levels, which means stronger desire, more
powerful erections, longer lasting erections, and an overall stronger sex
drive. So, what does this mean for us as
Hotwives?
He Enjoys the
Jealousy, Go with It
As women we’ve learned that inducing some jealousy can
actually be a good thing when it comes to dating – before we’ve found our “person”. We use our female prowess to keep the men who
we are seeing guessing…why? Because they
seem more interested in us when it seems as though we may not be 100%
there. So, if this works in the dating
world, why wouldn’t it work once we’re married?
In contrast, women typically don’t respond as well, or in the same way
to jealousy – we tend to worry, question, and sometimes shut down if we feel that
he might be “just not that into us”. Naturally,
because of our own feelings on the matter, we tend to avoid making our men
jealous once we’ve committed to them, because we, ourselves don’t want to feel
as though we’re in constant competition with other, more attractive, sexier,
younger, etc., women. Why would we do
something to the man that we love that we, ourselves, would hate?
For men, though, and especially those with Hotwife
fantasies, jealousy is a big component and tool for us to keep our men hot and
bothered. Sometimes just the mere
mention of being flirted with by that cute guy at our favorite restaurant, or
our interest in the sexy personal trainer at the gym is enough to send our men
into a sexual frenzy. It doesn’t take a
lot to feed the fantasy. It’s not ALL
about dates and recounting how well we got worked over in the bedroom (and how
much we loved it), though that is the ultimate turn on for our men, it’s also about
the little things – the mention of our interest in someone else, the sexy
messages that we send to potential lovers or Bulls, the “tease” of how much we
loved what our last Bull did for us and how much we’re looking forward to doing
it again. Remember, this ignites the “competition”
element of things, which is natural for men.
The More You Enjoy
it, the More He Enjoys it
You may be thinking, “But I’m doing it for him, I’m not
doing it for myself” (a common theme by A LOT of Hotwives), but in reality, our
men WANT us to enjoy our encounters.
They want to hear about what this “other guy” did for or to is that sent
us over the edge, and yes, they want to hear what we liked better about the “other
guy”. I know it seems crazy, because we
don’t want to imagine our men, even if we did allow them to be with other women,
thinking that their “others” were better, sexier, hotter or had something that
we don’t. That’s because we don’t have
that “competition drive” like our men do.
Let’s face it, despite what our men tell us – “It’s all
about your pleasure” or “I don’t get anything out of it unless you’re enjoying
it, because I love you so much” – this isn’t some ultimate “unselfish” thing our
men are doing for us. These things come
out of their mouths, but what they are really saying is “I want to know that
you came three times while he was fucking you, and you STILL want to come home
to me”. It’s their kink, and we have to
understand it.
So, if you’ve actually taken the step into the world of
Hotwifing, you’re going to have to learn how to properly tease your man into
believing that, just maybe, your Bull was better than him in some ways. Whenever you think “But I’m only doing it for
him”, follow that us with “I’m doing it for him and he WANTS to know that I absolutely
enjoyed it”. Find some aspect of your
encounter that was mind-blowing, and recount, in great detail exactly what it
was that sent you over the edge. This
may require a little bit of embellishment, and that’s OKAY…trust me…embellishment
is your friend in this situation. Tell your
man about your Bull’s amazing cock, how good if felt, how good he tasted, how
fantastic he was at oral sex, etc. These
are the things that will ramp up that competition streak in your man and make
him want to reclaim you with increased vigor and desire.
The More You Want
Someone Else, The More Your Man Wants You
Again, you’re playing on the competition and the teasing
aspect of things here… The more that you
act as if you WANT to be a Hotwife, the more that your husband or partner is
going to WANT you. His desire for you is
going to skyrocket, his sexual desire for you is going to make it so that he’s
ready to chew his own leg off to get you back in bed. I have experienced this firsthand many times…if
I am completely honest about an “encounter” and admit to “D” that my Bull was
lacking in some way, or I didn’t quite “get there”, he isn’t nearly as turned
on as when I tell him about how amazing things were. I don’t like or believe in lying, but I do
advocate for being selective and stretching the truth…maybe your lover wasn’t
the best at giving oral sex, but maybe he was an amazing kisser, so a good
answer would be “he was amazing with his mouth” and leave the rest up for interpretation.
We’re women. We are
strong and capable and we are smart. And
the truth is, this is a GAME we are playing for and with our husbands/partners,
so we need to get our heads into the game.
Furthermore, this is an intellectual game, and we need to use our intellects
to get to where we want to be. Where do
we want to be? We want to have a husband/partner
who is absolutely drooling over us, believes we are the ultimate sexual
goddess, and in is jealous enough to realize that in order to “compete” they
will need to step up their own game in order to “keep” us satisfied – be that
with amazing sex, extra romance, other rewards, or all of the above.
Hotwife Facts and Fantasies 