We’re sharing an excellent overview article by Brenna at Front Porch Swingers. Here, she details how friendships, professional relationships, and sexual satisfaction (of course) have been positively impacted by opening up her marriage.
Her big takeaways from her own experiences fall under three big headers;
Lifestyle Ladies Tend to Treat Other Females Differently—Women in free and open lifestyle relationships are very often kinder, more complimentary and supportive of other women.
Lifestyle LadiesTell Others What They Want—Women who play around with others gain confidence in the bedroom, which leads to confidence in the workplace and everywhere else!
Lifestyle LadiesCan Speak Honestly with Others About Sex—Women who are free to openly share ideas with their female friends have a leg up on gaining satisfaction and confidence.
Between the main headers you’ll find some great thoughts and experiences that might make you smile. And it’s a short read—it’s worth your time!
This might sound like a ridiculous question to some people, but the truth is, many (or most) of us have been socially conditioned (brainwashed?) to fear our sexual potential. We’re always on the lookout for tips and hints for the woman or man who needs to learn some aspects of responsible sexual liberation.
In this 3-part video series, Tatiana Dellepiane offers insights into “S.L.U.T. Training.” No, this isn’t the stuff you see on captions and hardcore porn, but it is about getting your confidence and energy in line with the life you want to live. Maybe it’s not for everyone, but it’s worth checking out if you think it might even be a little intereting!
Some days I wake up and I think things like, “Ya know, we’ve
made tremendous relative progress as
a society in terms of overcoming ignorance-based hate, prejudice, and discrimination.”
But then other days I wake up and I think things like, “How
is it possible that we’ve made it to the 21st century and yet still,
there are just so many people whohold
ignorant views that exude nothing but blind hatred towards that which they
either don’t understand or just simply don’t like?”
Today, I woke up thinking the latter.
I therefore wanted to take some time to send a message to those
who still apparently have prejudicial/condescending/mocking/hateful/hostile/intolerant
attitudes towards people who live some kind of alternative or non-mongamous sexual relationship
arrangement such as swinging, hotwifing, cuckolding, cuckqueaning, polyamory, etc…
If your current view of the world is one that automatically associates
having “alternative” sexual desires and living in “alternative” sexual
relationships with abnormality, weakness, insecurity, shame, sin, being mentally unstable/unfit…your worldview
says more about you than it does
those towards whom you are prejudiced.
If you attempt to justify your own prejudicial and hostilely
disapproving attitudes towards “alternative” sexual desires and living “alternative”
sexual relationships by resorting to explaining said desires and relationships in
ways which make you think you’re better or healthier or more right than those
who aren’t monogamous or vanilla…you are wearing blinders and your views are biased.
If you aren’t yet aware of how “alternative” sexual desires
and living “alternative” sexual relationships can indeed be indicative of the strength and health of a person and/or relationship (as opposed to the weakness
of a person and/or relationship), you are sorely mistaken and ignorant.
And finally, if you harbor or hold any kind of disapproving,
hostile, or hateful attitudes towards those who have “alternative” sexual
desires and who live “alternative” sexual relationships…it is the 21st
century and you need to Grow. The. Hell. Up. and start focusing more on
understanding those who are different than you instead of hating on them.
Reblog and pass it on.
Have you seen this caption on people’s Facebook or Tumblr pages?
You know, usually on the page of your friend or relative who married a cheating douchebag, who then abandoned her when he was confronted? Yes, we can all agree that sucks. Nobody in their right mind would advocate for Mr. Cheato Jerkwad.
Yeah, this fills a need for them. It helps them imagine the love and security they never got from their partner. I’ll never ridicule them or argue on their timeline about it. They’ve already been through plenty.
What they’re trying to express with this caption is a deep-seated need we all have. They’re asking, “Will you be loyal to me? Or do I have to be afraid of losing you, too?”
We’re explicitly, totally against cheating. And we feel sorry for anyone who’s been betrayed.
Unfortunately, this caption also creates extremely unrealistic expectations. (Exactly as dumb and unrealistic as a lot of the ridiculous hotwifing captions you thumb through on here.)
If this is the measure of true love, you might as well hire an animator to paint you into a Disney movie, because this is a fantasy that doesn’t take into account biology, psychology, or the kind of development that occurs in the healthiest relationships.
Besides that, the whole thing is so vague. Who is “a psychology professor?” Is it a man or a woman? Are they American, Czech, Thai, or Hatian? Do they work at a big college, a community college, or a basement correspondence school? Did they say this in class, or while giving a toast at a wedding, or after watching a romantic comedy with friends?
It sounds more like somebody said something they really felt should be true, then looked for a way to give it some authority. “Oh, you know who people think are smart about these things? Psychology professors!” So they invented the fact that a psychology professor said this thing that they want to be true. It makes it feel more true.
But the statement itself is so absolute and one-sided. All people are absolutely monogamous demisexuals? Widows who still love their deceasing husband will never be able to get attracted to a living guy? Swingers who stay married for 60 years weren’t in love? You mean polyamorous people don’t exist? That’s pretty extreme.
Let’s get it straight: this isn’t a psychology fact at all. It’s…
a nice sentiment, like unicorns and Care Bears
a way for betrayed people to imagine what a better person would be like
guaranteed clickbait
widely believed, especially in conservative contexts (some churches teach things like this)
detrimental to people in real relationships
an extremist position
not something you’ll find agreeable to many real-world therapists and psychology professors
great for cartoons and Hallmark movies, but not for real life
So in conclusion, this meme applies in a way to cheaters and those they abandon. It’s completely irrelevant for most of us. And exploring our fantasies together in a loving, full-communication, functional marriage can go a long way to preventing people from even being tempted to cheat.
So ladies, keep checking out men’s butts, and be sure to tell your husband about it 😈. Guys, don’t start to develop needless anxiety because you read something like this caption.You’re both fine. Don’t let shit like this mess with your head. It doesn’t apply to us!
I do a lot of chatting and conversing with both men and women who are trying to navigate the first steps of the Hotwife Lifestyle. Over the passed two years, I’ve noticed a larger jump in the number of women who are contacting us asking for advice. They are willing to “try” their man’s fantasy, but the way that “he” wants it to play out isn’t something they’re comfortable with, and yet they are afraid to voice their concerns or simply don’t know how. I received this message from a lovely lady who prefers to remain anonymous:
“My husband has been talking about the Hotwife Lifestyle for the last few years. He did all of the initial research, it totally turns him on and when he came to me with the idea I was shocked, but willing to listen to him. I decided that if it would make him happy, I would give it a try and I agreed. He almost jumped out of his seat he was so excited. Then he started to take over all the planning and telling me how it was going to happen, what was going to happen, etc. Basically, he says he’s going to meet the guy with me, he’s going to be in the room when it starts, and he’s going to get video and pictures. This doesn’t sound at all enjoyable to me and is actually scaring me shitless because I’m someone who needs some intimacy to get anything out of sex and this just sounds like he wants to make porn with me being the star in it. I don’t get to choose the guy, I have to be directed and taped, is this normal? Is this how being a Hotwife works? I know it seems to be how it works in a lot of the videos and stuff on Tumblr, but I hoped that it wasn’t this way for real. I tried to talk to him about maybe letting me do it on my own to get comfortable with things first and he said he’d consider it but that I HAD to get video and pictures during for him and he’d tell me the type of video and pictures I have to get. How do you even ask for that stuff, especially the first time you meet someone for sex? If you don’t mind, can you leave my name out of your post because I’m super embarrassed about this and I know he follows a lot of Hotwife Tumblrs.”
My first reaction…this poor woman. I can completely understand where she is coming from and I think there’s often a big disconnect between what this lifestyle means to men and women and how each derives pleasure from it. The above question isn’t always how these things work, but it happens often enough to cause problems and confusion, and to turn what could be an exhilarating sexual addition to a relationship into something ugly and scary. It usually goes something like this… Man has a fantasy and shares it with his wife. She’s shocked, but curious and decides that she wants to make him happy and will give it a try. Man gets SUPER excited and sets out to start “directing” his own version of the fantasy with her as the “leading lady”. This works beautifully in the porn industry, but the only problem is that she’s not an “actress”, she’s his wife or partner.
How do we as women, or would-be Hotwives, actually get our husbands or partners on board with the way that WE see things playing out? I’m going to give some advice here, but I’m going to start with a disclaimer: I understand these things aren’t always easy to do/say. I understand that sometimes husbands or male partners can be a bit more dominant when it comes to sexual fantasies and when they get something in their heads they want it to play out in a certain way. I understand it can be scary to speak up, but it’s something we as women HAVE to do if this lifestyle is going to work.
First, whether the Hotwife Lifestyle was your partner’s idea or not, the acting out of the lifestyle MUST be a joint effort. You and your partner are a team, and a team listens to each other and adjusts thoughts, feelings, and actions to make sure that in the end everything works. Imagine being tied together in a three-legged race. Each person knows they want to get to the finish line and that they are tied together, but they have different ideas on how to get there successfully, so when the buzzer goes off, they just start running…what’s going to happen? They’re either going to fall down, or someone is going to end up being dragged along, scraped up and if they make it to the finish line, one person (or both) are going to be hurt. Now imagine if those people had talked strategy and actually listened to each other’s perspectives on how best to run the race. Imagine that person A had an idea and person B had an idea and they somehow put together the best parts of both of those ideas and then when the buzzer went off they shot off the mark as a team that worked together? No one is being dragged, no one is falling down, and in the end, they cross the finish line smiling. This is how the Hotwife Lifestyle SHOULD be.
Ladies, remember that when our men have fantasies and look at things like porn or Tumblr to facilitate their desires before telling us about them, they aren’t seeing reality. This reminds me of a little video documentary I saw where high school aged boys who hadn’t had sex before were being asked about how they learned about sex and what they thought it was like to have sex. First, all but two of the boys interviewed said they learned about sex from internet porn. These boys, when asked, said that women’s orgasms where better than men’s because they did a lot more screaming and moaning and the harder that they had sex the more orgasms the women had. When asked, they all said that women had at least 2 or 3 orgasms every time they had sex. This is what boys are learning from porn…can you imagine when they start having sex what a shock it’s going to be, or how many girls/young ladies are going to end up having to “fake it” because their partners weren’t taught what it really takes to get a woman off? We can take a lesson from this when it comes to the Hotwife Lifestyle and realize that many of our husbands or partners have “learned” about the lifestyle through unrealistic means. We have to help bring them back to reality a little bit.
If you’re a woman who is into crazy, hot sex with strangers and your husband there directing and filming you, then more power to you! That’s probably a MUCH easier road to travel than if you are a woman who requires a little more intimacy and romance to “get there”. There’s nothing wrong with either type of woman, but I’m speaking to the more “romantic Hotwife” here, and how she can rein in her husband’s fantasy to a point that it can actually be comfortable or even enjoyable for her.
So, it’s time to have a talk with hubby… Before doing so, I would suggest you consider very seriously the things that you think would make you most comfortable and happy as a Hotwife and write them down. If hubby has it in his head that he’s going to be sitting in the corner watching you your first time out and that’s just not something you think is going to work for you, then write it down. If you want to choose your own partners, with hubby’s input of course, then write that down. If you think you need a little romance or intimacy, you envision a “date” rather than a “sex meet up”, then write that down. When you’re ready, come to hubby with your list and tell him that you’ve carefully considered his fantasy and read him the list of how you envision it playing out, then ask him to tell you how he envisions it playing out.
Now it’s time for compromise. There will be some things that you can compromise on and some things you simply can’t. Personally, a “no compromise” thing for me would be D choosing a guy and then directing the encounter while videoing it…that just wouldn’t work for me. So, I would prefer not to do it at all if that’s the only way that he wants it done. Some things I can compromise on…getting him video and pictures – it’s NOT as easy for women to do as guys think it is, because it will likely turn a possible “intimate” encounter into something more like porn or acting. With that said, there are ways to get video and still maintain some intimacy, like just setting up a static camera in the corner of the room, hitting play and forgetting about it. Negotiate with your date ahead of time on this aspect of things and that way you can go in and start the camera before you head to the bedroom. Once you get to the bedroom, the camera will be running, but you can mostly ignore it. I’ve done this for D as a compromise to the video and pictures aspect of things. It might not be the “in your face, first person perspective” video that men see on Tumblr, but it’s still better than nothing, right? And D has loved every video that I’ve gotten for him.
So, now you each have your lists of what you envision, you’ve discussed them with each other and listened to each other’s perspective on things, and if you can come to some good compromises, then the lifestyle is a “go”. If you can’t compromise, then it’s back to the drawing board until you can. Don’t be afraid to draw lines in the sand when you feel you have to…if there is something you just are NOT comfortable doing, then don’t compromise on that. Make sure your husband or partner knows you’re willing to work with him on his fantasy, but that it has to be right for YOU if you’re going to do it. This is your body and your brain and your heart we’re talking about here, and as much as you want to focus on your husband, there are times when you have to listen to your own feelings.
Here’s the kicker…there is always the possibility that after you’ve gotten a little more comfortable with being a Hotwife, certain lines in the sand that you’ve drawn may be able to be moved or erased completely. Maybe at some point you WILL be comfortable with him watching you. Maybe at some point you WILL be comfortable with him joining in. Maybe at some point you WILL be comfortable with letting him pick a man for you and have a crazy night complete with video, but that time isn’t now. Your husband needs to know this, and it will likely make him more agreeable to certain choices you feel are right for you if you say that there a possibility down the road that you may be willing to do more.
In the end, remember that, as I said before, this has to be a team effort if it’s going to work out, especially long term. It can’t be one person dragging the other across a line and feeling like they’ve won while the person being dragged is scraped up and hurt. If there is EVER a time to find your voice, this is it! If you do, the Hotwife Lifestyle can be an amazing addition to your lives. Good luck ladies! – S
I have a feeling a lot of you are going to want to share this one. If someone shares this with you, that’s because it means something to them, so please do the courtesy of reading the whole thing!
First off, I want to acknowledge that wives often have various and complex reasons for reacting negatively to husbands who bring up hotwifing. That’s a valid topic for another time. This also isn’t for households with an abusive spouse who wants to force his perversions or sick desires in whatever way they enter his mind–those men are the scum of the earth. No, this is for you loving couples, where you try your best to do things right, and keep trying even when you don’t succeed the first time.
Today, I want to talk to the wife who hears her husband share his kink with her, and doesn’t stop to dig further. She doesn’t ask, “How difficult was it for you to tell me this? How much have you thought about this? How much does this mean to you?” I’m talking to the wife who jumps to conclusions and insecurities, or shuts him down without validating his opinion. Can I talk to you for a minute?
Dear wife, I imagine you love your husband a lot, and he probably loves you a lot too. In fact, he’s opening up to you because he loves you. He wants you to be a part of his life in every way, no matter how unusual society may say it is. And society may be the reason you shut him down. Have you been told all your life that it’s wrong to have sex with another man after you get married, and that it’s cheating on your husband if you do? Have you been told that this will kill your loving relationship? Chances are, this is where you’re coming from. These feelings make it seem impossible to imagine what your husband is really thinking.
In fact, I bet these values are more deeply ingrained in you than you imagine, especially if you haven’t sat and done introspection on why you think the way you think. So when your husband comes around and tells you he’s interested in this, it breaks all kinds of norms. You think, “Cheating!” And you think, “Wrong!” And you get disturbed, because he’s asking you to do that one thing you’ve always been told a wife should never do. This is where your imagination and insecurity gets fired up–if he wants you to do the worst thing of all, then, “My God, what else is he going to suggest?” You might not think it so much as just feel it deeply within. It feels wrong–so wrong.
On behalf of your husband, let me ask you to just stop for a moment and hear his side of the equation so you can communicate on equal ground. First, he probably has some idea of how weird this is to you, and it was even hard for him to admit it to himself at first. He’s battling with his own inherited values, which in this case run counter to his sexual desires and needs; he also fears your reaction. He doesn’t want to hurt you or scare you.
Second, his definition of cheating isn’t what you think it is. You both agree that cheating is a betrayal, a theft of love and intimacy from the one who rightfully owns it. Where he’s different from you is that–for whatever reason–he feels connected to you sexually when he imagines you being promiscuous, full of desire, and feeling flirtatious lust. Your promiscuity isn’t cheating, since he connects to you in that fantasy or act. It doesn’t mean he wants to be promiscuous himself, because if it would be a betrayal of you and your desires, then he sees it as betrayal too; he isn’t interested in betraying you. He isn’t interested in you betraying him either–he is interested in connecting with you by means of observation, fantasy, and wanton lust unchained.
I hope that’s clear in your mind, because it’s crucial to understanding him. He’s not asking you to cheat when he talks to you about sexual engagement (or fantasy) with other guys.
This brings us to the provocative title of this post. “Cheating,” sexually speaking, is betraying your spouse for others. It’s disregarding their needs and desires, and giving that part of yourself to others. Here’s the point: if social pressure or fear of others (parents, priests, friends) are the reasons you’re not willing to hear your husband out when he tells the thing that is most intimate to his sexual nature, he’s not the main person in your sex life.
You’ve invited a whole society into bed with you, and you’re neglecting him for everyone else that’s intruding into your sex life. He feels cheated, because you won’t even talk, read, or think about what’s on his mind.
Is that cheating? I’ll leave it to you and him be the judge of that.
However, I hope you’ll take the time to see how you might actually have things backwards when it comes to the idea of being faithful to the one you married. Not the idea of a husband you got from society and invented over time in your mind–the actual flesh-and-blood man you pledged to be with.
I’ll be saying more along these lines in the future, but I wanted to get this out TODAY so you could start thinking about it (and wives, please don’t be offended if your husband forwarded this to you–remember, more than anything sexual, he longs to be loved, trusted, and understood; please give him that at the very least).
Everyone already knows what jealousy is, some of us more intimately than others, but compersion is “a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual’s current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest.” (taken from Wikipedia)
Other than the “that doesn’t work” knee-jerk reaction to polyamory or open relationships, the other excuse that gets automatically thrown out is “I could never do that. I’m far too jealous.”
Discussion over.
Jealousy is most definitely a strong deterrent to even entertaining thoughts of an open relationship. Believe me, if you had told me 10 years ago that I would be in a polyamorous marriage with my husband, I would’ve told you that you were certifiably insane. After all, I’m a triple Scorpio: highly possessive and intensely jealous by nature. Throw in some serious self-esteem issues and an crippling fear of abandonment and I was the last person anyone (including me) thought would end up in an open relationship. But here I am! Happily polyamorous and talking about it publicly, no less.
Do I still get jealous? You better fucking believe it.
Is it as crippling as it used to be? Not usually.
The root of jealousy is fear. Fear of abandonment. Fear that your loved one will find someone better, smarter, sexier, more awesome, more whatever. The problem with those fears is that they are all inside the jealous person. No amount of reassurance from your beloved on its own will quell those fears. You must take responsibility for your own fears and express them to your SO without making them solely responsible for those fears. Your partner in life, spouse or otherwise significant other, does have a responsibility for your heart as you do theirs, but ultimately that responsibility lies within yourself. They can support and reassure and earn your trust, but they can’t quell those fears on their own. It’s a team effort.
The death of jealousy begins in honesty and trust.
Once that trust is in place. Once you are able to say anything to your partner and they to you. Once you talk openly, honestly, and frequently, that jealousy begins to die. The love deepens past that you could’ve ever imagined, loving your partner so completely if for no other reason that they love you so completely for who you are.
It’s not an easy place to get to. It’s not luck. It’s not luxury. It’s months and years of work, sometimes tears, and intense vulnerability. It’s believing in yourself and in your partner. It’s believing in you as a couple. It’s knowing without a shadow of a doubt that the two of you will get through anything because you are a team. You’ve done the work. You’ve established a firm foundation of trust and honesty, and nothing will break that apart, certainly not sex with someone new. Sex is wonderful, but sex is sometimes just sex. Although sometimes it is sex and love, which can feel a bit more threatening, but it’s really not because once you get to that point with your primary partner, you also deeply realize that love is not finite.
Love breeds love.
Desire breeds desire.
And you will find yourself loving your partner even more, even when you thought that wouldn’t be possible, because they love you for who you really are, not who they think you are…not who they want you to be, but for YOU. And you love them the exact same way. From this place of deep love and trust, a sexual encounter or even a satellite relationship takes on a whole new meaning. It is more love for your beloved! It is allowing them to feel desired and be pleased by another person…because they deserve as much love and desire and fulfillment that they can handle.
Because you love them that deeply.
And that’s compersion.
You are happy that they are happy. You are thrilled that they had a new experience, felt the rush of desire in a first kiss all over again, enjoyed being touched only the way a new lover can touch…etc. Then they can come home and tell you about it, or not, and love you even more for allowing them both freedom and security. And you get the same from them. It’s really rather beautiful.
Compersion trumps jealousy every time because love always trumps fear, if you can find the courage to let it.
Hotwife Facts and Fantasies 