Self Magazine recently published an overview of factors that weigh into whether a couple might benefit from an open relationship (and three factors that would make it a bad idea).
It’s a very level-headed discussion. Hopefully it’s a good indication of how society is opening up to common sense in a very important area. So many problems can be avoided if we’re honest with ourselves about who we are as individuals!
Thank you for your kind words about our blog. I do try my best to present both sides of things as I have seen them personally throughout my own journey as a Hotwife. I think anyone going into something this serious should know all that is good and all that is not so good – the potentials for excitement and erotic connection as well as the potentials for issues and problems.
To answer the first part of your question, D and I have a pretty traditional “Hotwife Relationship”. He is not a Cuckold, our relationship is not “female led”, this is more his fantasy than it is my own, etc. The way I choose to participate in the Hotwife lifestyle, or rather to make it work for me is what you touched upon with the idea of the “romantic Hotwife”, a term that I came up with for myself, but have found that many Hotwives also share an affinity for.
Traditionally, I would say that the majority of Hotwife relationships employ what is known as a “Bull”, an experienced male who understands the situation and lifestyle, knows his role and is there to give the woman the best “sex” that he can give to her and then bow out of the door gracefully until he is called upon again…or not. That’s typically where it stops. Women who prefer this type of situation will typically meet a bull once or twice, will meet them specifically for sex without something like dinner and conversation, and they are there for the physical almost 100%.
Where the “Romantic Hotwife” differs is that she typically requires that “romance” or “chemistry” with her lover – something that relates them on a level beyond sex. For instance, I can’t get turned on enough to even have sex unless I feel as though the person who I am sleeping with cares about me on some level beyond the physical. That means someone who is willing to take the time to have some good conversation, learn a little bit about me, doesn’t lead with the sexual (like, no introduction messages with dick pics and “I want to fuck you so hard”) – the opposite of that just doesn’t turn me on AT ALL. So, in my case, I need a guy who is willing to put in the time to be kind to me, show me that he’s interested in more than just using me as a sex toy, is willing and wants to romance and seduce me a little bit, etc. This also leads to more “long term” lovers instead of a lot of shorter term hook-ups. Once I feel comfortable with one guy, I would rather stick to that than go looking for something else.
A little background on me – before I got married the first time I had only had 4 boyfriends in my life. Even with D, before becoming a Hotwife, I had only slept with I believe 4 men. I was always the girl who was taught to “wait” until she knew that a guy cared about her before having sex, and I guess that just shaped who I am and it’s something that I’m comfortable with. I’ve never had a one night stand, never gotten drunk at a party and slept with a guy, and I guess you could say I’m pretty conservative in that regard, so when the Hotwife idea came up, I had to figure out a way I could still feel good about holding on to some of my own feelings and notions while still making it work for D – thus the “romantic Hotwife”.
Some Hotwife couples prefer the “Bull” encounters, because they do tend to be less dangerous to the relationship – no intimacy is built in most cases, it’s just sex and everyone knows their part in that. While D is fully aware of all of my boyfriends, sees all of our conversations, and in many cases speaks with them, he understands that I can’t get things “working down there” without some aspect of romance, care or seduction. Neither way is right or wrong, they are just different and mostly depend upon the woman’s preference and what she is comfortable with.
It also depends on the husband, as well… D actually enjoys this arrangement because there IS a little more danger and jealousy in it. I’m not just reporting back to him about an hour of sex as soon as a guy walked in the door, I’m telling him about an actual date that was romantic and nice. Some husbands, though, prefer for their wives to not keep contact with the same man for too long – understandably – and in those cases, it’s really a negotiation between husband and wife about what the wife is able to “handle” and what the husband is able to “handle” and they usually meet somewhere in the middle.
When I find a lover, I typically see them for one to two months, sometimes more. Within that time, there can be meetings once or twice a week to only meeting once or twice a month – it all depends on our schedules and how things work out. With my current lover, we see each other, on average, ever couple of weeks. A date typically consists of dinner, maybe a trip to the local hot springs (did that last week), or just coming over to listen to music and have some good conversation before jumping into bed. He’s been really great about that and he enjoys that himself – he’s also not one to get as much out of things without some kind of emotional investment.
When I choose to cut things off is always different, but the thing that remains the same is that it’s pretty evident when it has to happen. Either the person is developing feelings, is becoming more demanding of my time, in one instance, D started to not like the guy and so I broke it off, etc. It’s never an easy thing to do, especially when you have come to know someone a little bit. I’ve never developed feelings for a lover beyond the “situation” or caring for them as a friend, but I have had lovers develop feelings for me, and it is a difficult situation. I would say that in most cases a couple of months seeing someone once a week or once every couple of weeks is probably a good number to stick with in terms of overall length of relationship, though some can last much longer if everyone understands the situation and is comfortable with it.
In all of the talking I have done with other Hotwives, I would say that slightly more than half of them prefer things the “romantic” way. That’s because women are typically turned on first in their brains and second in their bodies. A lot of women tend to feel more “used” or “degraded” when they just meet a stranger for a random hook-up and then move on to another stranger. I have had a TON of messages by women asking how I manage to do this without feeling “used” or how I get turned on by other men when really the person I’m most turned on by is my partner – the answer is more intimacy in a lover. Some women, though, enjoy a fully sexual situation where they find a guy who is well built and well hung and they can just meet up for that raw sexual contact. It all depends on the couple, and especially on the woman.
Hope that helped to clear some things up for you….
– S
Creating a #romantic hotwife tag in response to this great explanation!
Everyone already knows what jealousy is, some of us more intimately than others, but compersion is “a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual’s current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest.” (taken from Wikipedia)
Other than the “that doesn’t work” knee-jerk reaction to polyamory or open relationships, the other excuse that gets automatically thrown out is “I could never do that. I’m far too jealous.”
Discussion over.
Jealousy is most definitely a strong deterrent to even entertaining thoughts of an open relationship. Believe me, if you had told me 10 years ago that I would be in a polyamorous marriage with my husband, I would’ve told you that you were certifiably insane. After all, I’m a triple Scorpio: highly possessive and intensely jealous by nature. Throw in some serious self-esteem issues and an crippling fear of abandonment and I was the last person anyone (including me) thought would end up in an open relationship. But here I am! Happily polyamorous and talking about it publicly, no less.
Do I still get jealous? You better fucking believe it.
Is it as crippling as it used to be? Not usually.
The root of jealousy is fear. Fear of abandonment. Fear that your loved one will find someone better, smarter, sexier, more awesome, more whatever. The problem with those fears is that they are all inside the jealous person. No amount of reassurance from your beloved on its own will quell those fears. You must take responsibility for your own fears and express them to your SO without making them solely responsible for those fears. Your partner in life, spouse or otherwise significant other, does have a responsibility for your heart as you do theirs, but ultimately that responsibility lies within yourself. They can support and reassure and earn your trust, but they can’t quell those fears on their own. It’s a team effort.
The death of jealousy begins in honesty and trust.
Once that trust is in place. Once you are able to say anything to your partner and they to you. Once you talk openly, honestly, and frequently, that jealousy begins to die. The love deepens past that you could’ve ever imagined, loving your partner so completely if for no other reason that they love you so completely for who you are.
It’s not an easy place to get to. It’s not luck. It’s not luxury. It’s months and years of work, sometimes tears, and intense vulnerability. It’s believing in yourself and in your partner. It’s believing in you as a couple. It’s knowing without a shadow of a doubt that the two of you will get through anything because you are a team. You’ve done the work. You’ve established a firm foundation of trust and honesty, and nothing will break that apart, certainly not sex with someone new. Sex is wonderful, but sex is sometimes just sex. Although sometimes it is sex and love, which can feel a bit more threatening, but it’s really not because once you get to that point with your primary partner, you also deeply realize that love is not finite.
Love breeds love.
Desire breeds desire.
And you will find yourself loving your partner even more, even when you thought that wouldn’t be possible, because they love you for who you really are, not who they think you are…not who they want you to be, but for YOU. And you love them the exact same way. From this place of deep love and trust, a sexual encounter or even a satellite relationship takes on a whole new meaning. It is more love for your beloved! It is allowing them to feel desired and be pleased by another person…because they deserve as much love and desire and fulfillment that they can handle.
Because you love them that deeply.
And that’s compersion.
You are happy that they are happy. You are thrilled that they had a new experience, felt the rush of desire in a first kiss all over again, enjoyed being touched only the way a new lover can touch…etc. Then they can come home and tell you about it, or not, and love you even more for allowing them both freedom and security. And you get the same from them. It’s really rather beautiful.
Compersion trumps jealousy every time because love always trumps fear, if you can find the courage to let it.
WHAT IS A STAG
The term Stag differs from the term cuckold. According to Sage Vivant, author of the book ‘Your Erotic Personality’, Stag are typically heterosexual men who get off on the idea of their wives or girlfriends being with other men but do not really fit the historical term cuckold. Many such men dislike the term cuckold because society has denigrated its meaning, making it a shameful thing. This has not only been misunderstood but also rather disrespected throughout history. They were seen as weak men that in a bizarre tradition from Europe were seen to wear antlers as symbols of this supposed weakness. Thankfully in modern times we are a little more enlightened and in recent years the meaning of the word has morphed into something more empowering for both genders. The growth of the term ‘HOTWIFE’ in reference to the partners of such men is now well established in sexual subcultures. Some men are cuckolds proper in that they seek humiliation and debasement and possible homosexual encounters, and there is nothing wrong with that, to each his own fetish, however, by far more men identify with the term ‘Stag’ . They share with cuckolds the desire to see their partners take on extra lovers while they remain monogamous but that is where the similarities end. For the stag this is always by consent and any humiliation aspect is just a playful erotic teasing game with his wife rather than any real desire to be humiliated. He will never be humiliated or intimidated by his partner’s lovers. He is a strong type that simply derives huge erotic pleasure from seeing his wife or girlfriend being so alluring that nobody could resist her and considers it only natural and very arousing that she’ll need and deserve sexual satisfaction from others as well as him. He holds a genuine love and respect for his wife or girlfriend with whom he shares this erotic and fun lifestyle. For this reason the proper term for the partner of most hotwives is a STAG rather than cuckold. This behavior ranges from merely sharing the fantasy and acting out role play scenarios to full on Hotwifing. It is just one part of a relationship and many couples only dabble occasionally. Some couples discover ‘Hotwifing’ early in their relationships while others find it much later but either way it is a hugely growing phenomenon. The reasons for ‘Hotwifing’ have always been around and lie deep in our evolutionary history as a species but factors such as female empowerment, better contraceptive/safer sex technologies, ease of online communication and information combined with other factors have brought it out of the shadows to the edge of the mainstream. Welcome to Stag and Hotwife Games, here we attempt to use images and captions to catch the eroticism and fun of couples that have delved into this world to reclaim the cuckold horns for the proud ‘STAG’
Classic
So apparently I am a Stag, learned something new 😉
Hotwife Facts and Fantasies 